Nardis
Registered User
Join date: Oct 2012
88 IQ
#1
In the wind a red leaf hangs
Then flutters to the ground.
It crumbles underneath my feet
With a muffled crackling sound.
It echoes through the pale moonlight
In which the evening bathes
And taking pause to look around
I dream of my escape.

The seconds arduously fade
To minutes, to hours, to agonizing days
And far below the autumn moon
For peace, I lay in wait.
She says, with a mournful sigh
“Your patience is misplaced.”
But still I stand upon my pride
'Til twilight turns the night to day.
Ganoosh
big gay celadon crocodile
Join date: May 2009
2,692 IQ
#2
This is good. You are good. Keep posting here. How old are you? I'm not creepy.

Peace.
Today I feel electric grey
I hope tomorrow, neon black
arthur_s
Registered User
Join date: Oct 2012
10 IQ
#4
I liked your songwriting skills. It's simple but says very much. Also, would like to hear it singing by you with the guitar accompaniment
Flevi
Registered User
Join date: Oct 2012
166 IQ
#6
This reminds me of a Robert frost poem, if you haven't already read some of his stuff you might want to check it out
designerpajamas
Dopamine or Bust
Join date: Aug 2012
21 IQ
#7
Quote by Nardis
In the wind a red leaf hangs
Then flutters to the ground.
It crumbles underneath my feet
With a muffled crackling sound.
It echoes through the pale moonlight
In which the evening bathes
And taking pause to look around
I dream of my escape.

The seconds arduously fade
To minutes, to hours, to agonizing days To minutes, hours, agonizing days
And far below the autumn moon
For peace, I lay in wait.
She says, with a mournful sigh She tells me, with a mournful sigh
“Your patience is misplaced.”
But still I stand upon my pride
'Til twilight turns the night to day.


I like this a lot. That's why I bothered to make those small changes. It makes the flow better, at least, in my head, the way I'm reading it.

I want the second stanza to make more of a point. The last two lines don't bring it home for me. I love the idea of waiting for peace, the moon "saying" don't bother, peace won't come, but... you've brought up agonizing days... and the last two lines make it really short-scale again, you know what I mean? Like...it limited it to just this one day, you "stand upon your pride" (this doesn't really make sense to me) until the morning... but what does that have to do with waiting a long, long time for peace? I would prefer an ending that... I dunno... it's your piece so I guess I'm telling you, hey, come up with a more awesome ending. Something that makes more of a point than that. Something that brings it full circle, brings it back to patiently waiting for what never comes... Think!!

Like... something about how there's nothing you can do BUT wait... or go back to the leaf thing... there's lots of metaphors in falling leaves, ever-turning seasons...lots of poetic ways to talk about it... I have faith in you!
Last edited by designerpajamas at Oct 29, 2012,
Nardis
Registered User
Join date: Oct 2012
88 IQ
#8
I definitely like the substitution of "She says" with "She tells me", thank you for your input.
Last edited by Nardis at Nov 2, 2012,
cubs
x
Join date: Jun 2006
3,949 IQ
#9
congratulations, this was picked for 'writing of the week'
Nardis
Registered User
Join date: Oct 2012
88 IQ
#10
thank you my friend, i appreciate it.