#1
You look different tonight
Like we've never met before
There's something inside us
I feel it on your fingertips

Come upstairs she says
I'm a little too out of it
The lips and teeth recede
The lips and teeth recede

Come on out of the black
Let's slip into your bed
Escape the music now
And create our own sounds

Daylight cracks the blinds
I squeeze my eyelids shut
The sun attacks my face
The sun attacks my face

Drunken drawls and 2 chains
Oh,
I might remember
Hope I don't forget
#2
I really liked the underlying rhythm that this has. I also really enjoyed the lines "Escape the music now / And create our own sounds". Keep it up, man!
Skip the username, call me Billy
#3
thanks man! I'll take a look at yours. I'm also wondering if anyone can come up with a better title than this lol.
#4
I think it definitely gets better after the first stanza with the third being the strongest in my opinion. The way I interpret the piece is that you're both expected to go sleep together even though there is no fire driving it. I see that in that she seems "different" and the "I'm a little too out of it" line. And that you are trying to make the best of the situation.

It's either that OR the exact opposite of that. OR I'm completely wrong =p! Either way, I liked it enough to think about the meaning. I like that it is an active piece, as that makes it easier to put ones self into the situation. I also like that you avoided overusing cliche metaphors that this subject matter can lead to.

Over all, great piece. If I HAD to pick one thing though, I would say to work on the first stanza some more. It feels like the first stanza is covers less ground than the other stanzas, which causes a bit of a slow start. Keep doing good work dude!
#5
I agree about the first stanza... I might refine it a bit.


This is about a girl I've known since freshman year of college (we're seniors now).

Actually, it's more-so about a certain night than herself. We both blacked out at a party at her house and ended up in her bed. It was strange but pretty cool at the same time.

I've also written songs for girls in the past but they usually don't like them, so I decided to write this about the situation instead of the individual.

Cliches suck! haha thank you for your kind words.
#6
overall i really like this.

there's a solid flow throughout and you've got some nice subtle rhyming. its concise as well, which i like, and lends extra impact when describing an otherwise complicated situation.

the only thing i didn't like was the last line, i felt like it was less well thought out than the rest of it and could have been used to really bring the situation into perspective, or something similar
#7
This sounds like something Kesha would sing... Only a little more refined and intellectual. No offence of course.