Eccer
Registered User
Join date: Sep 2006
993 IQ
#1

1 shot
Through the mists
For the marching band
To a triumphant
Start
Time stops, and the roar
From the crowd stills
Once again, never again

Given a year
I muster
All my strength
For this night
I see within
A sanctuary which
I shall lose myself
Upon
Those patterns
Engraved inside

I forwarded
Until dawn
And the scene
Flashed in the
Brisk morning air
Whilst
Glittering gunpowder
Gently fell atop
My bowler hat
Giving it, a
Bitter sweet smell.

Fresh
Was the sound
Of trumpets guiding us
Navigating the
Distant horizon

Glimpsed the rain
I closed my eyes
For a seconds
Slept, without
A moment’s remorse

Here, I saw
The fire walk
On waves, counting
#1, 2 and 3
I saw
The touch that
We so seek
Fire, caress me

Awake…
I found myself
In the middle of everything
"A mud pond?"

Stampeding, suddenly
Raising my rifle against
The glaring of the storm
Destroying whatever was left
Of my very legs
All for this
One chance to
Set the fire ablaze!

Time resumed
And the bubble burst
Kalinka was sung
And the crowd roared
Once again, never again
Last edited by Eccer at Sep 2, 2013,
Saparasa
Registered User
Join date: Oct 2012
76 IQ
#2
After reading through many times i think i can finally comment on this, weird how many people have looked at it but not said anything. I really like the rhythm and flow of the piece, it feels unconventional but it works quite well. Is there a name for this kind of poetry, where sentences spread into loads of lines, I'm such a newb The imagery you use is really nice too, it creates the scene of the war really effectively. Is it meant be the brief pause before the action begins and going through the soldiers thoughts, then the battle starts? I'm not really sure of any improvements to give, that might just be me being inexperienced or it's really good. Anyway, a very nice read
Eccer
Registered User
Join date: Sep 2006
993 IQ
#3
Thanks alot, I was insecure a long time, since nobody replied. It can always be improved, and I have edited it quite some times since I posted it. But now I am satisfied, and I will leave it like it is.

Yes, its quite simple in the way its told. So yeah, its the thought process of any war or hinder one must overcome by some point, kinda cliche but I had to write it. The first and the last stanza is a depiction of my service in the army ^^

I don't know the name, I quess its just freeform poetry? I hate writing by structures, although its great for learning how to set up things, I guess its all about how comfortable you are when writing, and the feel you get by it
Last edited by Eccer at Jan 12, 2013,
smartalecG94
Just my Bronze showing
Join date: Feb 2011
183 IQ
#4
I had something good I was gonna say when I first stuck this...but it was late and I forgot now I was curious as to why, in the midst of all this wartime eloquence, there was a bowler hat, but I assume it's just a metaphor for your helmet? I thought it was a good piece, I thought it had a very fluid flow about it and yeah nice job!
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If I was a rich man in 17th century Britain, I'd totally adopt Alec and make him my heir.

People say I tan easily, but that's just my Bronze showing through.
smartalecG94
Just my Bronze showing
Join date: Feb 2011
183 IQ
#6
Except, one thing: you're only 22. How long did you serve? And what branch?
Quote by captainsnazz
That's some nice hair you've got there.


I'm watching you.


Quote by BottleOfSmoke
If I was a rich man in 17th century Britain, I'd totally adopt Alec and make him my heir.

People say I tan easily, but that's just my Bronze showing through.
smartalecG94
Just my Bronze showing
Join date: Feb 2011
183 IQ
#8
Oh damn didnt even notice you were in norway lol. That's badass bro
Quote by captainsnazz
That's some nice hair you've got there.


I'm watching you.


Quote by BottleOfSmoke
If I was a rich man in 17th century Britain, I'd totally adopt Alec and make him my heir.

People say I tan easily, but that's just my Bronze showing through.
seventh_angel
So-Called New-Age(d) Poet
Join date: Aug 2007
3,144 IQ
#9
There's something about your writings that makes them sound like they're not written about the present. It's more like storytelling than anything else, which kind of makes them sound a bit unpersonal. However, it always sounds like your having so much fun writing them, and I must say this was really fun to read.
ZanasCross
C(k)=Epsilon(ijk)A(i)B(j)
Join date: Jul 2007
9,587 IQ
#11
I hope to come back and actually dig into breaking this down a bit... but know this was greatly enjoyed. I feel like there is a lot of subtle changes that could be made to improve this, but right now I would do a disservice to you with a half-ass break down if I tried it.

Hopefully, I'll be back this evening. If not, this is a solid piece. Keep writing; there's some raw talent here.