doubtfulsalmon
______________
Join date: Jan 2011
627 IQ
#1
i've been asking the crows to peck at my cheeks,
pull all the worms from the soil beneath,
but as they scuttle around on reptilian feet
their claws catch
in my pores.
fat stores
freeze into hard, abrasive dry ice sheets.

a vulture likes to hold my lips in her beak,
her saliva burns like rotting meat;
as she peels back
the onion skin cracks
char in blistering heat.
she understands
the scars like
dark rings in my eyes.
stands so her wings mask her size
and her feather tips tickle my nostrils
which fill
with mucus
then blood,
which dries.

it's still forty days until she flies away from here.
when the last bird leaves i'll whisper:
thank you Sylvia.
Eccer
Registered User
Join date: Sep 2006
993 IQ
#2
Hm, I enjoyed this quite a lot The way you portray things is cool as well. Giving me a good first impression, then I start to peel what lies beneath. You managed to somehow avoid that cliché way of ranting about the certain differences between women being nothing better than crows. And the vulture caring more for your meat /you lol.
To give some...critic (sorry for sucking at it) I would like to point out these particular lines:
"fat stores
freeze into hard, abrasive dry ice sheets"
I really get what you mean here, but to me... it seems you struggled to find that certain flow between those two lines. But, what do I know?

Overall, if I have totally misinterpreted this. Let me know
Last edited by Eccer at Jan 20, 2013,
doubtfulsalmon
______________
Join date: Jan 2011
627 IQ
#3
thanks for giving this a look.

you're interpretation of this is pretty much what i was going for, but i intended it to be more about things that i feel are necessary, but are often difficult/uncomfortable like (dealing with women , writing etc) and a lot of it is also referring to side effects of some medication i'm on, but that's quite specific and personal so maybe i should have tried to make that more clear.

i'm not sure about those lines either, sometimes i think it works and others i don't, so its useful to have your opinion as well. i'll probably rework them if i get round to it.

thanks again , i'll try and give something of yours an in depth look later.
Last edited by doubtfulsalmon at Jan 21, 2013,