Eccer
Registered User
Join date: Sep 2006
993 IQ
#1
(and another poem, how we all miss nature eh?)

Erosion brought
Memories in a whisk
Stills
That radiance I

"Listen" it said

"Hear thou wake of forest songs
O woodpeckers beckoning
In the early morn
Like little distress signals
Before the coming age
Make haven
For all life within
Roots
Brace self with
Trees
Rustling grace
Seek
Nature in all's splendor
Find warmth's embrace
Where you and me belong
In between
Intrinsic source"


Ocean time stirs
Into grey of

Thoughts
I used to love

What I see now
Is only a
mire
Past ruptures vast fields
Where new complexes shall rise
To eradicate
By day
By night
By dawn

In the forests I walked upon
Last edited by Eccer at Nov 5, 2013,
Mr.Pink101
Ribbed for her pleasure
Join date: Feb 2008
1,508 IQ
#2
I read the green text in the voice of the Great Deku Tree from Ocarina of Time
This is quite a well written piece, I'm liking the subtle "concrete jungle" reference too.
A bit depressing though, can't you write about kittens? XD
Music is an art form that celebrates potential. So long as you're looking for it, you'll always find it.
doubtfulsalmon
______________
Join date: Jan 2011
628 IQ
#4
your presentation really makes this, and overall flows gently and effortlessly.
for some reason the line intrinsic source" sticks out to me, i think it feels a bit rushed in comparison to the rest of that stanza, but that might just be me.

this feels very nostalgic to me, makes me think of when excitement with someone fades to boredom.

this was a good read
Eccer
Registered User
Join date: Sep 2006
993 IQ
#5
Yeah, it feels rushed because I was supposed to have something else afterwards. But I just couldn't come up with anything that would flow and give more meaning to what was already being told. So I kinda left it alone there.

So, thanks for noticing that I'll have to see whether I will do something about it or not.
the bartender
UG's biology teacher
Join date: Nov 2009
429 IQ
#6
Nice piece. Personally I feel like the ending would feel better if it ended with "by day, by night, by dawn, in the forest I walked upon", or at least something that has 'dawn' as the last one, because I like how it would rhyme. I guess that's a matter of personal preference though. I love it as it is though!
You who build these altars now

To sacrifice these children
You must not do it anymore