Bleed Away
th.
Join date: Feb 2006
2,763 IQ
#1
I don't know how to write anymore.

You are mistaken, mistress
paradise is not what we are approaching;
hedonism, dead on arrival.

I picked up the pieces and cried myself to sleep
in a bed with nothing else within it;
my suffering started with worship.

I once caught a glimpse of happiness,
I must have been 5,
the sun was out and the crowd parted alongside
to some picturesque interior
for no reason in particular;
life was simpler, back then.
culex-knight
mon titre d'utilisateur
Join date: Jun 2004
400 IQ
#2
Hmmmm, everything but the last line is pretty much gold. The last line... I'm not sure if that's what this needed.
マリ「しあわっせはーあるいってこないだーからあるいってゆっくんだねーん 
いっちにっちいっぽみーかでさんぽ
 さーんぽすすんでにっほさっがるー 
じーんせいはっわんつー!ぱんち・・・


"Success is as dangerous as failure. Hope is as hollow as fear." - from Tao Te Ching

jaybearch
Registered User
Join date: Jan 2013
133 IQ
#3
Agreed with culex, it almost reads to me like you're going to continue the poem after that line, I'm not quite sure what it adds. I also don't like the 'dead on arrival' part, it didn't seem to work with me. I really liked the overall feel you created, though, especially with the contrast between the first two and the third stanzas. I dunno, I feel like those minor things were the only real issues.