ZanasCross
C(k)=Epsilon(ijk)A(i)B(j)
Join date: Jul 2007
9,587 IQ
#1
The butterfly bursts from it's coccoon,
rippling probababilistic envelopes through time.
And she was there,
a raven in her hair and the ocean in her smile.
And he was there,
eyes upon her breasts, drinking down her laughter.
Let not determinism jade the evening,
you were to be born; but she never knew.

And one choice collapses the other.
Many-worlds? Nay, only one for you to
stoke the regret of your mother and father.
And what might happen if fingers never touched,
if courage came not in a glass?
If the butterfly dies in it's coccoon,
did the caterpillar ever matter?
No. It did not.
One choice collapses the other,
and the quantum world waves on:
foam into probability, probability into matter,
matter into choices, choices into regret.
The butterfly could never have existed
without ruining the youth of it's mother.
Last edited by ZanasCross at Apr 5, 2013,
JustRooster
Internet Bully
Join date: Jan 2005
7,166 IQ
#2
It's a shame this doesn't have more comments.

Quote by EyeNon15
Thats too bad, I was under the impression I was arguing something profound

21wickwing
wick2107
Join date: Feb 2009
1,487 IQ
#3
Quote by JustRooster
It's a shame this doesn't have more comments.


This.


I cannot really give constructive criticism on this piece. I just loved it. There were so many powerful images in this, I had to read this about 5 times before moving on with my life! Good job!

(and how dare you say a caterpillar did not matter! According to the butterfly (caterpillar?) effect, the world would be completely different without it.)
ReubenAndrews
&#30
Join date: Apr 2012
25 IQ
#4
I'm seconding the shame it doesn't have many comments thing, this was wonderful and not just nice words either it was poignant and though-provoking on a not too taxing level. Some of the imagery was perfect, "drinking down her laughter" & "if courage came not in a glass" in particular. The action of drinking is very fluid and this helps her laughter and the mood seem light-hearted and easy-going. I like the questions it poses, rhetorical obviously but just little things that make you think for a second.

The rhythm and flow of it is great and while both stanza's have differences I feel as though they both work cohesively and compliment each other well. The only one thing that I feel breaks the cohesion slightly is your use of "Nay", I'm not sure why but this choice of vocabulary just sounds foreign in comparison to the rest and sticks out when reading through.

Overall though, super-impressed and pleased to have had such a nice critique from someone as skilled as yourself.
24WildRovers
The Wild Hippy Rover
Join date: May 2008
3,159 IQ
#5
Quote by ReubenAndrews
I'm seconding the shame it doesn't have many comments thing, this was wonderful and not just nice words either it was poignant and though-provoking on a not too taxing level. Some of the imagery was perfect, "drinking down her laughter" & "if courage came not in a glass" in particular. The action of drinking is very fluid and this helps her laughter and the mood seem light-hearted and easy-going. I like the questions it poses, rhetorical obviously but just little things that make you think for a second.

The rhythm and flow of it is great and while both stanza's have differences I feel as though they both work cohesively and compliment each other well. The only one thing that I feel breaks the cohesion slightly is your use of "Nay", I'm not sure why but this choice of vocabulary just sounds foreign in comparison to the rest and sticks out when reading through.

Overall though, super-impressed and pleased to have had such a nice critique from someone as skilled as yourself.

Nothing I can say has not already been said. This piece is fractually fascinating. Very good work
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ninja monkey
That's The Ticket!
Join date: Mar 2007
852 IQ
#7
Very nice Zach. However, I believe this is technically a grammar error.

Quote by ZanasCross

Let not determinism jade the evening,
you were to be born; but she never knew.


Where as something like

Let not determinism jade the evening;
you were to be born, but she never knew.


would be more correct. The jade the evening line is it's own idea and the birth and knowledge line could be tacked on like in my example by usage of the semicolon causing that idea to be more of a follow up/answer to the determinism.

Alternative you could add punctuation after evening to close that thought and for the born; but you could drop the "but" to correct that and keep the semicolon.

Both of these subtly change the idea and emphasis of the two lines though. Your call bud.

Take care.
Promises meant a lot back then.
Dæmönika
Mortal Technique
Join date: Mar 2006
4,189 IQ
#8
Everything I wanted to say has already been said, so I shall save this crit I owe you for your next piece. A great read.
qabilan
Banned
Join date: Apr 2013
10 IQ
#9
Some of the imagery was perfect, "drinking down her laughter" & "if courage came not in a glass" in particular. The action green paper lantern of drinking is very fluid and this helps her laughter and the mood seem light-hearted and easy-going. I
liseely
Banned
Join date: Apr 2013
10 IQ
#10
Welcome to have more fun game waiting for you [forbidden link]
[forbidden link]
culex-knight
mon titre d'utilisateur
Join date: Jun 2004
400 IQ
#11
Solid showing, good sir. I enjoyed it.
マリ「しあわっせはーあるいってこないだーからあるいってゆっくんだねーん 
いっちにっちいっぽみーかでさんぽ
 さーんぽすすんでにっほさっがるー 
じーんせいはっわんつー!ぱんち・・・


"Success is as dangerous as failure. Hope is as hollow as fear." - from Tao Te Ching

#1 synth
Weeow!
Join date: Mar 2006
7,350 IQ
#12
theres something about the first line that really irks me.

i also don't know if you need the "No. It did not." in the second stanza. I would just cut it and replace it with a stanza break.

this piece is best when you just let it flow.

samoo
Full-time snail racer
Join date: May 2006
179 IQ
#13
I enjoyed this, Zach. I can tell it's a piece I'll be coming back to and reading over and seeing if I get the same things from it.

I agree with synth about cutting that line. I feel the "No" is implied with the question anyway, and as a reader I'd like to ponder the answer myself.
ZanasCross
C(k)=Epsilon(ijk)A(i)B(j)
Join date: Jul 2007
9,587 IQ
#14
Thanks everyone.

I'm surprised a bit you guys don't like the "No" line. I really love the way it inserts a staccato. I read it with a very "authoritarian voice" in the way of "No. *pause for a solid second* It does not," and enjoy that rhythm.

I'll certainly consider it though. Also, I think you're right, Ted. I may go back and clean this up later.

Cheers all. Get me links if you want me to get back to you on something.
culex-knight
mon titre d'utilisateur
Join date: Jun 2004
400 IQ
#15
I liked it.
マリ「しあわっせはーあるいってこないだーからあるいってゆっくんだねーん 
いっちにっちいっぽみーかでさんぽ
 さーんぽすすんでにっほさっがるー 
じーんせいはっわんつー!ぱんち・・・


"Success is as dangerous as failure. Hope is as hollow as fear." - from Tao Te Ching