Green_Ghoul
Registered User
Join date: Aug 2010
3,307 IQ
#1
Hi everyone, I wrote this one recently and forgot about it...I'm not sure if it's complete or if I'll finish it...I just found it in my notebook and figured that I would share in case anyone wants to give insight. Thanks!


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Love on the base of creation,
Even though you've gone away. (I don't particularly care for this line)
A feeling without the sensation
Looking back on the very next day

Increasing the chance of temptation
A feeling kept deep inside
Remember these days are forgotten
All that I know is your knife

The longer it falls as a rain drop
is the slower it falls out of me
Alone these days will awaken
And take you away from my dream

A heart so unkempt that it's freezing
This isn't the trouble I'm in
Who's stopping you from believing
That your path is free from sin
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I'm having girl troubles. Some of the lines read awkwardly to me, maybe it's because I forgot the melody that I had in mind...I just figured that I'd share it because it's one of the few "complete" poems/lyrics that I have..
doubtfulsalmon
______________
Join date: Jan 2011
627 IQ
#2
i think the thing that's holding you back here is how you're writing to the line breaks, it makes the piece feel disjointed as each line is a stand alone phrase. you should explore writing in longer, more conversational sentences as it leads to a more natural flow and you should find it easier to expand on ideas.

something to note is that, in my opinion, line breaks should be used to complement a piece by adding emphasis etc and are not always necessary, especially in song lyrics.

overall, i think this is a good start and shows some promise, you just need to (as with anything) practice and experiment. hope this helps.
StreetBass252
Registered User
Join date: Dec 2011
269 IQ
#3
Dude, i like this. I am a fan of Metaphors, so your Poem really impresses me You should keep up your work!