Page 231 of 231
dPrimmy
Resident Noob
Join date: Mar 2016
28 IQ
#9201
....where can I find me a data-centric, driven, career-minded, fiscally responsible, obsessed with the idea of being able to pay the person who wipes her ass in her twilight years, tinkering individual who doesn't want me to live in her own filth?

Haha - I've tried the other fruits...and while sweet - were non-sustainable.
Real knowledge is to know the extent of one's ignorance - Confucius
Last edited by dPrimmy at Jul 5, 2016,
JustRooster
Internet Bully
Join date: Jan 2005
7,164 IQ
#9202
Never, ever, disparage dem titties.

Quote by EyeNon15
Thats too bad, I was under the impression I was arguing something profound

i_lovemetallica
You stupid f****g bastard
Join date: Jul 2007
230 IQ
#9203
Quote by dPrimmy
So- how do you want this to play out?

I wanted to date her, but after speaking with some of my friends, I'm not convinced that making all this effort is worth it. So she's gone to the back burner.
"And he turns into a cat and exploded"
Krieger91
I Sold The World
Join date: Sep 2009
4,001 IQ
#9204
So, the girl that I've liked for a while and have grown quite tied to has admitted to me that she likes someone. A coworker.

My fault, I asked. But I did it for a reason... At least I know now.

Still, kind of sucks. Quite a but, actually.

Something nice will happen sooner or later.

Not really sure how to answer her.
Never imagine yourself not to be otherwise than what it might appear to others that what you were or might have been was not otherwise than what you had been would have appeared to them to be otherwise
Last edited by Krieger91 at Jul 6, 2016,
JustRooster
Internet Bully
Join date: Jan 2005
7,164 IQ
#9205
Quote by Krieger91
So, the girl that I've liked for a while and have grown quite tied to has admitted to me that she likes someone. A coworker.

My fault, I asked. But I did it for a reason... At least I know now.

Still, kind of sucks. Quite a but, actually.

Something nice will happen sooner or later.

Not really sure how to answer her.


Did she ask you a question?

Quote by EyeNon15
Thats too bad, I was under the impression I was arguing something profound

Krieger91
I Sold The World
Join date: Sep 2009
4,001 IQ
#9206
JustRoosterwell no, but just leaving the message read and unanswered...

She did change the subject, complaining about the heat..
Never imagine yourself not to be otherwise than what it might appear to others that what you were or might have been was not otherwise than what you had been would have appeared to them to be otherwise
Last edited by Krieger91 at Jul 6, 2016,
lt mittens
milfhunter
Join date: Nov 2008
466 IQ
#9207
Thanks for the helpful posts guys. I never had a relationship for so long. So i see this as a learning experience. i stayed with her because of hope (or naivety come to think of it). I was hoping for change once she got her degree. But the change never came. Feeling myself becoming more and more frustrated, I really think it was the best decision i could make.

Quote by dPrimmy

Develop your own closure and peace. The truth in the matter is you no longer felt respected, welcome, and wanted. You chose to end this because you felt a disproportionate effort on her part. Let that be the simplest and only answer you need. Her feelings, while they once were a consideration, stopped being a consideration the moment you terminated the relationship.


This is true. As simple as it sounds and is, it will be hard but eventually things will get better.
"If I tell you I'm good, you would probably think I'm boasting. If I tell you I'm no good, you know I'm lying."
dPrimmy
Resident Noob
Join date: Mar 2016
28 IQ
#9208
Quote by Krieger91
JustRoosterwell no, but just leaving the message read and unanswered...

She did change the subject, complaining about the heat..



I hate to point back to that Casually Explained video from a page or two ago - but that's the truth here. This can be 1 of 2 things:

1) She's genuinely interested in Chad at work and wants you to relay that message
2) She's measuring your reaction to see if you are interested.

Women be sneaky.
Real knowledge is to know the extent of one's ignorance - Confucius
JustRooster
Internet Bully
Join date: Jan 2005
7,164 IQ
#9209
In any case, the best thing to do is make your feelings completely clear.

Quote by EyeNon15
Thats too bad, I was under the impression I was arguing something profound

Last edited by JustRooster at Jul 6, 2016,
Ssargentslayer
Registered Abuser
Join date: Sep 2007
780 IQ
#9210
lt mittens

Dude I just got out of a 2 and a half year relationship for the same reasons. I gave her so many chances, waited for her to change, supported her and all I ever got her shit. I'm starting to feel relieved despite the constant texts I get from her saying how much she misses me. I know it'll all just restart if I go back. Congrats on getting out. Take this as a learning experience, new and better things will come.
Krieger91
I Sold The World
Join date: Sep 2009
4,001 IQ
#9211
Quote by JustRooster
In any case, the best thing to do is make your feelings completely clear.
Waiting to see her on Saturday, it's pretty much impossible by message.
Never imagine yourself not to be otherwise than what it might appear to others that what you were or might have been was not otherwise than what you had been would have appeared to them to be otherwise
dPrimmy
Resident Noob
Join date: Mar 2016
28 IQ
#9212
Quote by Ssargentslayer
lt mittens I'm starting to feel relieved despite the constant texts I get from her saying how much she misses me.


I've likely overused this, but...consider the squirrel.


I've seen a lot of squirrels in the street.

While driving, you see the little buggers begin to dart half way across the road to unfamiliar turf. Once they realize "oh, shit...that is a car headed in my direction", they freeze and panic. You see their little squirrely brain trying to decide if they should take the shorter path and venture forth to the unknown or the longer path back in which they came to the side of the road they're most familiar with.

I've seen a lot of dead squirrels on the street.

*********
It might benefit you both if you addressed this. Ask for a month or two of without contact - stating that you don't see jumping back into familiar waters with her to be what you need right now. It's mighty hard to get over someone if they won't let the wound heal.
Real knowledge is to know the extent of one's ignorance - Confucius
Last edited by dPrimmy at Jul 8, 2016,
Ssargentslayer
Registered Abuser
Join date: Sep 2007
780 IQ
#9213
dPrimmy
I 100% agree. I pretty much had to get her pissed off at me because she was delusional and thought she could get me back. I only got 1 text from her today. Didn't respond.

That being said, I feel like a terrible person for it.. But I needed out.
Krieger91
I Sold The World
Join date: Sep 2009
4,001 IQ
#9214
So yeah, everything is out in the open.

I don't really agree with telling a girl something like that, but in this case, it was necessary..she sort of understood it, so it was stupid to just hide it.

Anyway, as I knew, it is not at all reciprocated.

This situation has been really fucking shitty for the past few months..And I'm still feeling sad as hell. But, the fact that I know there is someone is kind of a relief. Honestly.


What happened was, I've been friends with this girl for a while now.

In November, I broke up with my girlfriend of a year and a half..The relationship was intense, she was madly in love, the break up was even more intense, and I had spent the last months of the relationship wishing I was single.

Anyway, after we broke I was finally (aaaah) single, and she spent 3 or 4 months in an obsession over me, driving me up the wall. Proper psycho stuff.


A couple of months after I broke up, this girl moved back in to town as she graduated, and we started spending a lot of time together.

During this time together..I started growing more and more attached. And I fucking hated myself for it (this started happening in March, roughly)

And a load of confusion arised. Why? Because I didn't want to make a move, though I liked her, because I had recently broken up and it didn't seem like a smart move.

I, stupidly, didn't want to tell her, or make her understand it, because I though that it would just complicate things.

So, what I did was, I kept it inside, tried to fight it, never told anybody, for months, got more and more angry at myself for feeling it and not being able to control it, obviously we kept in touch, seeing each other, etc. I started developing a load of complexes about myself, looks, personality, lack of life experiences, I started feeling as if I wasn't on par with her or anybody in the world, etc.

All the while, trying to fight this..it's literally been a poison I've had inside for ages.

So, as you can imagine, now that I've found out that for her there is someone...I'm kind of relieved, deep inside. It's there, it just has to come out. Relieved, because it gives me an excuse to just back out and not think about it...I mean, if I never had an intention of making a move, why did I even care? Don't know.

But yeah, we met up at a party, were kind of drunk, and had a long chat about it, I told her, explained my feeling and now it's out there.

I wanted to make sure it wasn't reciprocated, and she said it wasn't. I asked her if it ever was and she paused and said no (I swear to god I saw her pause, but it was either my drunken mind making it up or something)

Now, I'm sad as fuck. Because, obviously, I really really like her. She asked what she should do, and I asked her to just stop getting in contact with me for a while. No texts, no coffee, no FB, no nothing. She said she hates to because she's really attached to me (imagine a really really closed girl who never tells anyone anything and has opened up to me in the past about some things regarding her family history), but that she'll do it.

Not hearing from her for a while, I should recover slowly. Her not existing should help.

Sorry about the rant but I'm pretty sad about this and needed to vent. I've kept all of this inside for the past god knows how many months, thinking that, seeming that I'm undecided on making a move, that I should be able to control my feelings for her. Nope.

Never imagine yourself not to be otherwise than what it might appear to others that what you were or might have been was not otherwise than what you had been would have appeared to them to be otherwise
gorkyporky
I like pie.
Join date: May 2007
3,732 IQ
#9215
Long story short: gf wanted to go in vacation. I didnt wanna go to vacation, i got work, and i dont feel comfortable taking her parents caravan and vacationing in it. She said she will go alone. Told her i dont want her to go alone, especially after the shit we went trough last year on vacation. She asked if i dont trust her. I say i dont. She gets mad. We kinda make up. She still wants to go. I just drop it, but made it clear that im not happy with it. She left this morning. What do?
Joža je kul. On ma sirove z dodatki pa hambije.
i_lovemetallica
You stupid f****g bastard
Join date: Jul 2007
230 IQ
#9216
Why don't you want to go on vacation? I feel like that might be a key thing to understand.

Also, if you don't trust her, that's a massive cornerstone of a relationship where you have admitted you don't trust her.......I'm not sure what advice you're after, but this isn't off to a promising start
"And he turns into a cat and exploded"
gorkyporky
I like pie.
Join date: May 2007
3,732 IQ
#9217
Well first of all, i dont enjoy longing around all day on the seaside. Considering we are already planing a 1 week festival vacation, a 2 week long vacation in august and another week long vacation in september, i dont really feel the need or desire to go right now.

Second, i started a new job less than a year ago, and just last week, my boss left for his vacation (a lot of vacationing going on right now), and this is the first time i am running the entire shop on my own. I would have to shut the whole thing down if i wanted to leave this week, but she really wanted to go this week because she finished her exams for this semester on friday.

Third, its an autocamp where her parents park their caravan trailer for the summer. Its also a nude camp. I am not comfortable in nude camps, because i am not comfortable being completely naked in front of strangers for extended perioids of time. I would also have to pay her parents around 100€ for the use of the trailer, and i dont really want to do that, since there are cheaper options around, and paying my girlfriends parents seems like something i would live to avoid if possible.

She is a good girflriend, she is nice to me, she is smart, funny, and seems to love me to bits. But last year on vacation she went to a party, and i arrived a few hours later and found her huddled together with a random guy in a secluded spot. Thats the reason why i dont trust her, because apparently something about the beach and sea just fucks with her head or whatever, and she goes all weird. Or something. I never really managed to make sense of the situation.

Im not really sure what kind of advice im after. I just know that she left even after i explained to her why i cant and dont even wanna go, and why i dont want her to go alone. And now that i know she is there, i feel uneasy and frustrated, and im probably gonna wonder what she was doing for a loooong time after she comes back. Maybe i just wanted to vent a bit, idk.
Joža je kul. On ma sirove z dodatki pa hambije.
Last edited by gorkyporky at Jul 11, 2016,
JustRooster
Internet Bully
Join date: Jan 2005
7,164 IQ
#9218
Quote by Krieger91
So yeah, everything is out in the open.

I don't really agree with telling a girl something like that, but in this case, it was necessary..she sort of understood it, so it was stupid to just hide it.

Anyway, as I knew, it is not at all reciprocated.

This situation has been really fucking shitty for the past few months..And I'm still feeling sad as hell. But, the fact that I know there is someone is kind of a relief. Honestly.


What happened was, I've been friends with this girl for a while now.

In November, I broke up with my girlfriend of a year and a half..The relationship was intense, she was madly in love, the break up was even more intense, and I had spent the last months of the relationship wishing I was single.

Anyway, after we broke I was finally (aaaah) single, and she spent 3 or 4 months in an obsession over me, driving me up the wall. Proper psycho stuff.


A couple of months after I broke up, this girl moved back in to town as she graduated, and we started spending a lot of time together.

During this time together..I started growing more and more attached. And I fucking hated myself for it (this started happening in March, roughly)

And a load of confusion arised. Why? Because I didn't want to make a move, though I liked her, because I had recently broken up and it didn't seem like a smart move.

I, stupidly, didn't want to tell her, or make her understand it, because I though that it would just complicate things.

So, what I did was, I kept it inside, tried to fight it, never told anybody, for months, got more and more angry at myself for feeling it and not being able to control it, obviously we kept in touch, seeing each other, etc. I started developing a load of complexes about myself, looks, personality, lack of life experiences, I started feeling as if I wasn't on par with her or anybody in the world, etc.

All the while, trying to fight this..it's literally been a poison I've had inside for ages.

So, as you can imagine, now that I've found out that for her there is someone...I'm kind of relieved, deep inside. It's there, it just has to come out. Relieved, because it gives me an excuse to just back out and not think about it...I mean, if I never had an intention of making a move, why did I even care? Don't know.

But yeah, we met up at a party, were kind of drunk, and had a long chat about it, I told her, explained my feeling and now it's out there.

I wanted to make sure it wasn't reciprocated, and she said it wasn't. I asked her if it ever was and she paused and said no (I swear to god I saw her pause, but it was either my drunken mind making it up or something)

Now, I'm sad as fuck. Because, obviously, I really really like her. She asked what she should do, and I asked her to just stop getting in contact with me for a while. No texts, no coffee, no FB, no nothing. She said she hates to because she's really attached to me (imagine a really really closed girl who never tells anyone anything and has opened up to me in the past about some things regarding her family history), but that she'll do it.

Not hearing from her for a while, I should recover slowly. Her not existing should help.

Sorry about the rant but I'm pretty sad about this and needed to vent. I've kept all of this inside for the past god knows how many months, thinking that, seeming that I'm undecided on making a move, that I should be able to control my feelings for her. Nope.



You probably will get a good friend out of this, I think. She obviously wants to hang with you still, she does see you as a good friend, and it's very understanding of her to accept that you'll need some space to figure things out for yourself. I think it's a good move get away from the situation (i.e. her) for a while, helps clear the air so you can come back to it as a buddy and not a prospect. I'm glad you got some relief in knowing, there's a good closure that comes from it.

The only advice I guess I could give in this situation isn't about how you handled it, because you did everything right (even if you were drunk, people still remember that stuff. I don't lightly take booze as an excuse). I would say that you shouldn't be afraid to get into another relationship if you think it's for a person that is really worth it. Normal convention would say that if you break up you *NEED* to be single for a while, but convention is what leads us to things like the 48-hour rule and only one party paying for dates.

I dated a girl for a year, broke up because she didn't want to move cities and I wasn't going to do distance. Met another girl three months later. Married her.

Quote by EyeNon15
Thats too bad, I was under the impression I was arguing something profound

dPrimmy
Resident Noob
Join date: Mar 2016
28 IQ
#9219
Quote by Krieger91
Krieger91
So yeah, everything is out in the open.

I don't really agree with telling a girl something like that, but in this case, it was necessary..she sort of understood it, so it was stupid to just hide it.

Anyway, as I knew, it is not at all reciprocated.

This situation has been really fucking shitty for the past few months..And I'm still feeling sad as hell. But, the fact that I know there is someone is kind of a relief. Honestly.


What happened was, I've been friends with this girl for a while now.

In November, I broke up with my girlfriend of a year and a half..The relationship was intense, she was madly in love, the break up was even more intense, and I had spent the last months of the relationship wishing I was single.

Anyway, after we broke I was finally (aaaah) single, and she spent 3 or 4 months in an obsession over me, driving me up the wall. Proper psycho stuff.


A couple of months after I broke up, this girl moved back in to town as she graduated, and we started spending a lot of time together.

During this time together..I started growing more and more attached. And I fucking hated myself for it (this started happening in March, roughly)

And a load of confusion arised. Why? Because I didn't want to make a move, though I liked her, because I had recently broken up and it didn't seem like a smart move.

I, stupidly, didn't want to tell her, or make her understand it, because I though that it would just complicate things.

So, what I did was, I kept it inside, tried to fight it, never told anybody, for months, got more and more angry at myself for feeling it and not being able to control it, obviously we kept in touch, seeing each other, etc. I started developing a load of complexes about myself, looks, personality, lack of life experiences, I started feeling as if I wasn't on par with her or anybody in the world, etc.

All the while, trying to fight this..it's literally been a poison I've had inside for ages.

So, as you can imagine, now that I've found out that for her there is someone...I'm kind of relieved, deep inside. It's there, it just has to come out. Relieved, because it gives me an excuse to just back out and not think about it...I mean, if I never had an intention of making a move, why did I even care? Don't know.

But yeah, we met up at a party, were kind of drunk, and had a long chat about it, I told her, explained my feeling and now it's out there.

I wanted to make sure it wasn't reciprocated, and she said it wasn't. I asked her if it ever was and she paused and said no (I swear to god I saw her pause, but it was either my drunken mind making it up or something)

Now, I'm sad as fuck. Because, obviously, I really really like her. She asked what she should do, and I asked her to just stop getting in contact with me for a while. No texts, no coffee, no FB, no nothing. She said she hates to because she's really attached to me (imagine a really really closed girl who never tells anyone anything and has opened up to me in the past about some things regarding her family history), but that she'll do it.

Not hearing from her for a while, I should recover slowly. Her not existing should help.

Sorry about the rant but I'm pretty sad about this and needed to vent. I've kept all of this inside for the past god knows how many months, thinking that, seeming that I'm undecided on making a move, that I should be able to control my feelings for her. Nope.



Careful with the way you're implementing this - What you're doing is the start of what "Pickup Artists" call a push-pull. She had your undivided attention and enjoyed your attention. She provided something undesirable (her response) and suddenly she lost your attention. You'll either need to be very deliberate with the implementation of this space and only come back after she's lost her fondness of you - or - know what you're doing and know what you want out of this.

While you're at it - consider what she offers you as a person. Does she provide you with anything external to the fantasy you drummed up? Do you share common traits, goals, or interests? It's a bit uncomfortable to consider - but if a person doesn't provide you with anything other than a fantasy...is it worth retaining the relationship? I'm not suggesting you burn the bridge - but just be realistic when deciding how much of yourself you are willing to commit to this friendship.

Quote by gorkyporky
gorkyporky
Well first of all, i dont enjoy longing around all day on the seaside. Considering we are already planing a 1 week festival vacation, a 2 week long vacation in august and another week long vacation in september, i dont really feel the need or desire to go right now.

Second, i started a new job less than a year ago, and just last week, my boss left for his vacation (a lot of vacationing going on right now), and this is the first time i am running the entire shop on my own. I would have to shut the whole thing down if i wanted to leave this week, but she really wanted to go this week because she finished her exams for this semester on friday.

Third, its an autocamp where her parents park their caravan trailer for the summer. Its also a nude camp. I am not comfortable in nude camps, because i am not comfortable being completely naked in front of strangers for extended perioids of time. I would also have to pay her parents around 100€ for the use of the trailer, and i dont really want to do that, since there are cheaper options around, and paying my girlfriends parents seems like something i would live to avoid if possible.

She is a good girflriend, she is nice to me, she is smart, funny, and seems to love me to bits. But last year on vacation she went to a party, and i arrived a few hours later and found her huddled together with a random guy in a secluded spot. Thats the reason why i dont trust her, because apparently something about the beach and sea just fucks with her head or whatever, and she goes all weird. Or something. I never really managed to make sense of the situation.

Im not really sure what kind of advice im after. I just know that she left even after i explained to her why i cant and dont even wanna go, and why i dont want her to go alone. And now that i know she is there, i feel uneasy and frustrated, and im probably gonna wonder what she was doing for a loooong time after she comes back. Maybe i just wanted to vent a bit, idk.


Removing you from this: Girl1 wants to spend a week on holiday. Wishes Guy1 to accompany her. Guy1 has legit reasons and future holiday plans on the horizon - no desire to attend. Girl1 has history of canoodling in dark confined corners comfortably. Guy1 has trust issues with Girl1 due to this happening. Girl1 goes on trip anyways despite Guy1's objections. Guy1 will stew over this for a period of time exceeding the duration of the holiday.

To me - Guy1 and Girl1 have different ideals and ideas of how to "life". Guy1 has issues trusting Girl1. Dissimilar mental attitude & trust issues largely negate most of what is sacred within relationships, no? Think about what you have - a girlfriend, or a friend with benefits? It's really easy to lose sight of whether or not you're in a relationship when titles are involved....you can paint stripes on a horse, but that doesn't make it a zebra.
Real knowledge is to know the extent of one's ignorance - Confucius
Krieger91
I Sold The World
Join date: Sep 2009
4,001 IQ
#9220
dPrimmyAre you sure about the push pull thing? As in, I'm not doing it on puropse or anything (unless I misunderstood), like I said, I never once gave her my undivided attention, never made her understand, and never made a move...I may have been a bit of an asshole about it, not sure.

That's where my big problem rose...though I liked here, I was never sure I wanted to make any move to be in any relationship with her, having just got out of one, and didn't want to have just a one night stand.

And yet, I could never control my feeling for her..that's what caused me to be so angry with myself. I was undecisive about doing anything, and yet couldn't control my feelings. She only found out the other night that I liked her. One thing lead to another last week and she started suspecting it, so as to avoid her being confused (which she was starting to) I decided to get it out in to the open.

I don't understand what fondness of me you mean...She considers herself a friend, has been kind enough to give me my space, though she says she's sorry she has to, which I simply need just to give myself time to accept, start getting over and moving on (Which obviously won't happen if we're still texting daily, meeting up etc)

But yes, I did like her as a friend before this started happening. We've been to concerts together, been to the cinema together..have similar tastes in that regard, good chemistry. Different goals, but most of my friends and I have different goals.


Anyway, thanks a lot for reading and answering, guys! Same goes to you, JustRooster.
Never imagine yourself not to be otherwise than what it might appear to others that what you were or might have been was not otherwise than what you had been would have appeared to them to be otherwise
Last edited by Krieger91 at Jul 11, 2016,
dPrimmy
Resident Noob
Join date: Mar 2016
28 IQ
#9221
Quote by Krieger91
dPrimmyAre you sure about the push pull thing? As in, I'm not doing it on puropse or anything (unless I misunderstood), like I said, I never once gave her my undivided attention, never made her understand, and never made a move...I may have been a bit of an asshole about it, not sure.


The origination of "pick-up arts" was identifying & documenting the behaviors and traits that are common and useful while pursuing a relationship situation. The actual use of the tactics or techniques is actually nothing new. Pickup arts wielded by someone who hasn't become part of that culture/community/etc goes by a different name: Charm.

In this situation - You identified a desire to date this girl. You've provided her with attention and the knowledge of your interest in dating. If she enjoys the attention, and you remove that attention from her, she'll seek the attention from you to satisfy her need. What you're craving from the situation (relationship, sex, wedding date, etc) becomes the price of the attention and you engage in a back & forth negotiation process the good 'ol Pavlovian way. Does this seem a bit far fetched? Of course. But remember that one friend you were attracted to and never moved on? Wasn't it amusing how they wouldn't stop texting/calling when they were single - and the moment they're in a relationship - you could substitute their name with a tumbleweed emoji and never see it pop up on your phone...until they become single again?

BUT - this all hinges on her desire for your attention, and where you settle in your negotiations.

Goals - Life & Lifestyle:


Just my $0.02 from watching the past 14 years of my life unfold. At high school graduation, most anyone there with an emotion was bawling their eyes out due to the idea that they'd never see the majority of my 1k person graduating class again. The reality was that life, goals, and ambitions separate people as well - and most of them wouldn't receive another thought over the next 60 years. I've held many friends between my first year of education and my present grouping. When I look back at the ones that are still here - we share a common bond, affection, understanding, set of goals, hobbies, and appreciations for things. As Aeolian pointed out in a prior post in this thread - most people in relationships are more similar than different. Just something to consider.

https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1603220&page=230&per-page=40#9200
Real knowledge is to know the extent of one's ignorance - Confucius
Last edited by dPrimmy at Jul 11, 2016,
Krieger91
I Sold The World
Join date: Sep 2009
4,001 IQ
#9222
Quote by dPrimmy
The origination of "pick-up arts" was identifying & documenting the behaviors and traits that are common and useful while pursuing a relationship situation. The actual use of the tactics or techniques is actually nothing new. Pickup arts wielded by someone who hasn't become part of that culture/community/etc goes by a different name: Charm.

In this situation - You identified a desire to date this girl. You've provided her with attention and the knowledge of your interest in dating. If she enjoys the attention, and you remove that attention from her, she'll seek the attention from you to satisfy her need. What you're craving from the situation (relationship, sex, wedding date, etc) becomes the price of the attention and you engage in a back & forth negotiation process the good 'ol Pavlovian way. Does this seem a bit far fetched? Of course. But remember that one friend you were attracted to and never moved on? Wasn't it amusing how they wouldn't stop texting/calling when they were single - and the moment they're in a relationship - you could substitute their name with a tumbleweed emoji and never see it pop up on your phone...until they become single again?

BUT - this all hinges on her desire for your attention, and where you settle in your negotiations.


Hmm..Well, if it's just nothing more thn a case of a craving for attention, I sort of hope that she's a nice enough person to not let that stop me from moving on. Maybe tha'ts just naive, though.

Of course, if it's genuinely something else (Was attracted to me, starts realising it now that I'm missing), it might be a bit different. But that's obviously not the case..she seemed pretty attracted enough to "Chad" for that to not be a possibilty.

The only thing I know for sure is that she seems to be piling up a lot of blame upon herself pointlessly.
Never imagine yourself not to be otherwise than what it might appear to others that what you were or might have been was not otherwise than what you had been would have appeared to them to be otherwise
dPrimmy
Resident Noob
Join date: Mar 2016
28 IQ
#9223
Quote by Krieger91
Hmm..Well, if it's just nothing more thn a case of a craving for attention, I sort of hope that she's a nice enough person to not let that stop me from moving on. Maybe tha'ts just naive, though.

Of course, if it's genuinely something else (Was attracted to me, starts realising it now that I'm missing), it might be a bit different. But that's obviously not the case..she seemed pretty attracted enough to "Chad" for that to not be a possibilty.

The only thing I know for sure is that she seems to be piling up a lot of blame upon herself pointlessly.


If her infatuation with Chad is the case - then you have little to worry about.


As far as your last statement - if you ever get mind control figured out, share the method! I know how to control my mind. I know how to control others' perception of me by manipulating my presentation (the exact opposite of the way most do it...they'll TELL you how to perceive them...and you'll do what you want). But I haven't figured out how to control someone's mind....
Real knowledge is to know the extent of one's ignorance - Confucius
Fat Lard
.
Join date: Jun 2006
802 IQ
#9224
>tfw no INTJ, ENTP, INTP, or INFJ gf
Reasoning focalized
Receptors activated
Last edited by Fat Lard at Jul 11, 2016,
Nero Galon
Alright, Alright, Alright
Join date: May 2012
2,466 IQ
#9225
Alright so this could be a cringe post by the time I'm finished but I think I need to vent this.

I'm finding it difficult to know what my chances are with people I find attractive are. This is because I have no way of knowing from previous relationship experiences where I stack in terms of attractiveness.

I suppose this was kinda sparked when my 6 year old niece told me that I look like "a person that steals children". Yeah... Ouch.

I get told a few times every so often that I'm weird/unique/different/a freak etc, but I always thought that's because of my personality and that maybe my appearance wasn't sending the same signals.

I hate the concept of asking people to rate people, and it's not what I'm gonna do as I don't like to post pics of myself online, I know I did once here and that was a mistake I won't make again.

Was considering internet dating sites at some point because why the hell not, I'm thinking it would potentially give me some answers but I hear that a lot of the time some guys don't ever get a single match?
Dance in the moonlight my old friend twilight


Quote by metal4eva_22
What's this about ****ing corpses? My UG senses were tingling.
Sinfinity000
Registered User
Join date: Apr 2011
367 IQ
#9226
Ok y'all, question that's probably got an easy answer but I'm not one for knowing the right way to go in situations I'm in the middle of. And I'm a compulsive overthinker, so if the answer is just "shut up and do it!" feel free to say.

So, I've been friends with the girl I like for right around three years now. We used to be really close, but fell out of contact because of an overbearing insecurity complex from my now-ex. Now that I'm single again, I can talk to her without having to worry about getting screamed at, and I've caught feelings pretty hard. We've seen each other and chatted a few times at shows and whatnot, but I've stuck to the mentality it would be helpful for us to hang out one-on-one in a platonic context before I ask her out so that I can put out a mental feeler as to how compatible we still are, and so that she can get comfortable around me again.

Problem is, our schedules are both ridiculous. She's in a band that plays two to three shows a weekend, and I usually work two to four weekdays. I know she wants to spend time with me, whether platonic or otherwise, and obviously that feeling is reciprocated from my end, but finding time to spend together is a major pain in the ass.

So, to cut a lot of bullshit, I'm starting to think we've been friends long enough and talked enough in the time since we've started talking again that I'm starting to feel like I might as well just cut the crap and ask her out. I can't tell if I'm being rational or just impatient. Thoughts?
Tanglewoodguit
Davostated
Join date: Feb 2006
2,556 IQ
#9227
I'm struggling a bit at the moment.

Been with my girlfriend for 19 months and I'm struggling with the idea of this being THE relationship. I'm 24 so not young either. I feel like everything is pissing me off lately. She has just finished uni for the summer and she has 2.5 months off. I can't get my head around her not wanting a job because it's what I did every summer after uni. I'm worried she'll just want to see me all the time and it'll drive me crazy, whereas if she gets a job, she'll keep herself busy.

My best mate's girlfriend is working abroad for 2 months and I know it's bad but I'm jealous of him for getting that space. I love her, but I'm struggling

I don't feel like I'm challenged. Our conversations are hollow.
AVFC Championship 2nd place 2017

Quote by TheChaz
Ok I'll pass it on to them that EndTheRapture51 is done watching.
dPrimmy
Resident Noob
Join date: Mar 2016
28 IQ
#9228
Quote by Tanglewoodguit
I'm struggling a bit at the moment.

Been with my girlfriend for 19 months and I'm struggling with the idea of this being THE relationship. I'm 24 so not young either. I feel like everything is pissing me off lately. She has just finished uni for the summer and she has 2.5 months off. I can't get my head around her not wanting a job because it's what I did every summer after uni. I'm worried she'll just want to see me all the time and it'll drive me crazy, whereas if she gets a job, she'll keep herself busy.

My best mate's girlfriend is working abroad for 2 months and I know it's bad but I'm jealous of him for getting that space. I love her, but I'm struggling

I don't feel like I'm challenged. Our conversations are hollow.


I should say first, I completely understand the need for space. I don't enjoy being around a partner or mate 24/7 myself. I do like quite a bit of alone time, and I do enjoy not having others around to interrupt my time. So I completely get it.

The part that concerns me a bit is you're envious of you mate's situation where he's not able to see his lady for 1/6th of a year - likely only communicating for short periods using phone/video calls. The idea that she's not challenging and pushing you - and the idea that you're ill content with conversations you two have seem to be manefestations of resentment or even something more simple - she's just not what you're looking for.

As I commonly do - I ask you to evaluate exactly what she gives you. I fear you're in a relationship based mostly on familiarity & comfort - and had you not been engaged in this agreement for 18 months - after 2 weeks you may be sniffing around for greener pastures. Based only on what you've provided and my own interp. of your story - I'm sad to say, but I think the relationship is over and you've got yourself a "benefits"...you just haven't realized it yet.

Sinfinity000

I would seem that this relationship will require sacrifice. I have attempted to make something work with a ladyfriend who worked the 15:00-Midnight shift while I was working a standard 09:00-17:00 We didn't have enough communication and our hours were out of sync. She would want to go out and party from late evening until early morning (when she was most awake) and I was already winding down for the night around 21:00 because I was used to being up before noon.

If she's worth it to you - and you're BOTH willing to undertake some sacrifices to make this work - I'd say go for it. The worst you can walk away from this with is a learning experience. But if you're both not willing to make time for one another or change jobs or ....something.... to make this feasible, you're setting yourself up for failure.
Real knowledge is to know the extent of one's ignorance - Confucius
Last edited by dPrimmy at Jul 12, 2016,
richie7410
Hi
Join date: Feb 2009
133 IQ
#9229
Hey, was just wondering if someone could help provide an outside perspective on something?

So I've been with my girlfriend for 7 months now, 4 months officially. Everything has been so great I've found it hard to believe, she really did seem like she was too good to be true.

Anyway, recently things have been coming to light that she has previously covered up and lied to me about. Without going into detail, it's mostly been about her past and how she played on that she's a saint, but really it's a lot different to that. After talking about these things, she's explained that it's because she didn't want to give me a wrong impression because she really liked me and wanted me to stick around.

Now I'm a firm believer that the past is the past and it shouldn't really affect what's happening now, so it's not that which I'm worried about. But this weekend, she was in pain during sex and she believed that it could be something like a yeast infection or thrush. When I joked that it best not be an STD, I asked if she had been tested between the last person she slept with and me. It turned out she'd slept with someone a week after we first had sex, and one before we met, since she last got checked. So there is potential that she could have caught something from either. Whilst there have been no symptoms, there are some that show none, and could have been present for the past 7 months. She's gone to be tested today.

Whilst I'm definitely overthinking and seeing the worst of the situation, there still two points I can't get past. First, she could have brought a STD into the relationship, the first I would have ever had, and a health risk, albeit a minor one to me being a male. If the test is negative, then it still angers me that she was either naive or stupid enough to take that risk in the first place, nevermind to me, but to her health especially.

Obviously there's not much I can do till the results are returned, but I guess I just needed to get this down and get some opinions on the subject.

Thanks guys!

L.F.C
Quote by tubatom868686
One time I sneezed and pooped in my pants at someones house. It fell down my pantleg onto the floor. I blamed it on the dog. They believed me
dPrimmy
Resident Noob
Join date: Mar 2016
28 IQ
#9230
Quote by richie7410


Hey, was just wondering if someone could help provide an outside perspective on something?

So I've been with my girlfriend for 7 months now, 4 months officially. Everything has been so great I've found it hard to believe, she really did seem like she was too good to be true.

Anyway, recently things have been coming to light that she has previously covered up and lied to me about. Without going into detail, it's mostly been about her past and how she played on that she's a saint, but really it's a lot different to that. After talking about these things, she's explained that it's because she didn't want to give me a wrong impression because she really liked me and wanted me to stick around.

Now I'm a firm believer that the past is the past and it shouldn't really affect what's happening now, so it's not that which I'm worried about. But this weekend, she was in pain during sex and she believed that it could be something like a yeast infection or thrush. When I joked that it best not be an STD, I asked if she had been tested between the last person she slept with and me. It turned out she'd slept with someone a week after we first had sex, and one before we met, since she last got checked. So there is potential that she could have caught something from either. Whilst there have been no symptoms, there are some that show none, and could have been present for the past 7 months. She's gone to be tested today.

Whilst I'm definitely overthinking and seeing the worst of the situation, there still two points I can't get past. First, she could have brought a STD into the relationship, the first I would have ever had, and a health risk, albeit a minor one to me being a male. If the test is negative, then it still angers me that she was either naive or stupid enough to take that risk in the first place, nevermind to me, but to her health especially.

Obviously there's not much I can do till the results are returned, but I guess I just needed to get this down and get some opinions on the subject.

Thanks guys!




I've tried to start here 2-3 times and I keep coming back to the same question - so instead of giving you some long-winded explain up front - How much of an issue do you want to make this?

Her behaviors and (relative to your assessment) loose attitude towards sex would have been a component of the package she presented that you found attractive. I understand that she hid a bit of herself from you - that's a seemingly normal thing to do as you likely have behaviors or neuroses you don't run up to every new person you meet and disclose. My compulsive personality and neurotic behaviors are usually some of the last things I share with Ms. dPrimmy applicants.

If the past is truly the past, anything predating your monogamy agreement is null and void. Far as testing goes - I understand the concern, as it's one I share with you - but at this point, your only course of action is to get tested. If something comes up, get treated. People make a much larger deal of this than it actually plays out to be.


If you want to continue the relationship with this girl and don't suspect promiscuity in your relationship ( it's odd that this only JUST came up), then this can't be anything more than inconvenient. If you're looking for a way out, this is it. Decision is yours to make.
Real knowledge is to know the extent of one's ignorance - Confucius
richie7410
Hi
Join date: Feb 2009
133 IQ
#9231
There are many things which were a part of the package which I found attractive, admittedly that being one, but it's very far from a deal breaker and I probably shouldn't have made it as prominent a point in my original post as I did.

The issue I have is the disregard for her own health, and in turn mine. As you said, whatever happened happened before our monogamy pact is void, and I'm perfectly fine with that, but if something from that which can affect her health as well as mine is brought into our relationship, then that's causes me to doubt her as someone for the long run. It's unfortunate that the case is a sexual health issue. The same would apply if it were a different health problem.

I guess from my upbringing I may see it as more of an issue than others, but that's why I'm putting it open in here, to see whether my thoughts are warranted, or out of touch and I need to look at it in a different light.

L.F.C
Quote by tubatom868686
One time I sneezed and pooped in my pants at someones house. It fell down my pantleg onto the floor. I blamed it on the dog. They believed me
Last edited by richie7410 at Jul 13, 2016,
dPrimmy
Resident Noob
Join date: Mar 2016
28 IQ
#9232
Short answer to ya -

I figure a good deal of this to be age-related. Back in my teens, I cared a great deal about the person's history and past and who and what and how many times.
In my 20's, I cared less about the history, more about the quantity and the whole testing idea
Now in my 30's - it's more a situation of "you're clean currently, no?"

If she was tooling around months prior to you two bumpin' uglies, I'd be fairly concerned. Since it was only a week or so prior - there's a good chance that what she'd be looking for wouldn't show up on the test.

This isn't to belittle the severity and the seriousness of transmission of STD/STI's - but if you're properly using protection, a good number of them also become non-issues. So long as you weren't going complete raw-dog on her, and you paid attention in health class - there's a pretty good chance you have nothing to worry about - but...if you're the least bit concerned - go and get yourself tested. Never hurts to 'actually' know.
Real knowledge is to know the extent of one's ignorance - Confucius
EndTheRapture51
pretentious wank
Join date: Oct 2008
8,567 IQ
#9233
Okay there's this guy I am sort of mates with. Have him on Facebook and Twitter, used to live in the same town, chat once every couple of months but not often. He broke up with his girlfriend about 7 months ago and they're over now and not speaking or anything.

She's started speaking to me recently and turns out we have quite a good rapport. She's smart and funny and pretty and all the usual things guys like in girls basically just a nice person to get along with.

If I was to meet up with her or keep speaking to her would it be considered a betrayal of some kind of guy code? I was never particularly close to this dude and don't see him as a close friend or anything so I'm just wondering if this is out of order or not.

longing rusted furnace daybreak seventeen benign nine homecoming one freight car
dPrimmy
Resident Noob
Join date: Mar 2016
28 IQ
#9234
The "Bro" answer - Of course this guy is going to take issue to you. He and said girl had a thing, and now that they don't - he doesn't want to see her, let alone one of his mates and her, happy. You'd be an asshole to even fancy the idea that someone's failed relationship could be your own success story.


....If you' interact with him as seldom as you say, and you'd like to see what it's like to turn her inside-out - go for it. The guy doesn't seem like a resource, he doesn't look to offer you much of anything from a personal or professional standpoint. The only thing you'd be doing by abiding by some middle school "guy code" is removing the opportunity to connect with someone.


In the schoolboy years? Sure. Follow the code, learn how frivolous it is. But once you surpass that point in your life, do what you want. Presently speaking, I only have one friend whose ex I wouldn't date....and even that situation is a bit grey.

If you have any issues - ask the dude if it'd be a problem. At least then, you'd know if you're going to retain his friendship, and he's not walking into a surprise.
Real knowledge is to know the extent of one's ignorance - Confucius
Krieger91
I Sold The World
Join date: Sep 2009
4,001 IQ
#9235
"I know you asked me to not write to you, and I won't anymore, but I miss you.

Saying hello like we did today as if we were strangers doesn't make me feel good.

But in reality, this is a just a complaint of mine now.

Don't answer me, I just needed to tell you"


This is a message I received from her today, a few hours after I bumped in to her while I was at a bar having coffee with some friends of mine.

I guess she was more attached than I thought.

Though I don't really know what the "This is just a complaint" part was necessary for. What else could it be?

She said to not answer, but I might...maybe just to say that I need time to accept, and that things should get back to normal...well what was normal for her.

Though, "I miss you" after exactly a week is quite weird, albeit sweet.

May I just throw out there that it's making it seem as if we broke up :p

The first part of the message is similar to the first messages my ex would send me when we broke up.
Never imagine yourself not to be otherwise than what it might appear to others that what you were or might have been was not otherwise than what you had been would have appeared to them to be otherwise
Last edited by Krieger91 at Jul 17, 2016,