doubtfulsalmon
______________
Join date: Jan 2011
628 IQ
#1
i bend my arms foetal against the cold,
old and crippled,
i am earthquakes
and osteoporosis.

i am rickety mountains
trembling under gravid,
granite peaks

i grow in shadow

though my bones are soft,
even young legs are made of dirt:

shiver while you still can.
crazysam23_Atax
Feuergesicht
Join date: Oct 2009
5,710 IQ
#2
I would suggest you replace "foetal" with "fetal", because most people don't know the word "foetal". (I had to look it up, lol.) At least, if you're American, I would do that. I really liked the use of opposites in the 5th line, "rickety" (shaky) and "mountains" (solid).

Crit mine please?
doubtfulsalmon
______________
Join date: Jan 2011
628 IQ
#3
I just used that spelling without thinking, as i'm english lol, I always forget you guys spell things differently. Having now looked it up, fetal seems to be the scientifically accepted spelling and maybe looks a little bit better on the page.

I may change it later, I just have to decide whether aesthetics, scientific correctness and general intelligibility are more important that being proud and english

Thanks for looking in.
Dæmönika
Mortal Technique
Join date: Mar 2006
4,189 IQ
#7
"though my bones are soft,
even young legs are made of dirt:"

Now forgive me if I'm wrong, but the way you've written this would suggest that the lines are supposed to contradict each other, but the words you actually use make them compliment each other. Dirt is generally soft, but the use of both "though" and "even" suggest that the second line is supposed to draw attention to that line in some way contradicting the first. Changing soft for hard solves the linguistic problem (in my eyes, others may disagree) that you seem to have created.

I might try and simplify the problem I have with this if you or anyone else can't make heads nor tails of it. Having said that, it may just be my interpretation and mine alone that's the problem. We'll see.