jjfeu662
Celestia
Join date: Jun 2012
1,996 IQ
#1
I guess you'd call it sludge, but I am not sure. It's like doom metal, but with a heavy hardcore/thrash influence.

War is a way to settle
Scores between opposing sides
Poor people are nothing special
Pawns, a worthy sacrifice

Pain is needed to keep the
Reign, it is a worthy cause
*still can't think of a line here*
Slain, their deaths are not a loss

*there's going to be 2 more verses here like the above, but I can't think of them right now*

Diplomatic solutions
All turned to dust
Violence and brutality
They are a must
Death toll is ever rising
No need to cry
No love for little people
They're mean't to die

That's as far as I got. Am I on the right track?
Tomorrow will take us away
Far from home
No one will ever know our names
But the bards' songs will remain
Tomorrow will take it away
The fear of today
It will be gone
Due to our magic songs

ALL HAIL CELESTIA
Last edited by jjfeu662 at Jun 26, 2013,
jjfeu662
Celestia
Join date: Jun 2012
1,996 IQ
#3
It also has lyrics, and that's kinda the area where I'm looking for help for.
Tomorrow will take us away
Far from home
No one will ever know our names
But the bards' songs will remain
Tomorrow will take it away
The fear of today
It will be gone
Due to our magic songs

ALL HAIL CELESTIA
Cavalcade
razor sharp
Join date: Jul 2011
1,942 IQ
#4
Well, like I said in another thread around here, metal lyrics don't need to be great. You're probably all set, but since this is a forum for lyrics, I'll do what I can. The whole thing (so far) is obviously built around the WAR!/GORE!/WHORE!/whatever rhyme. It's ham-fisted, it's honestly pretty dumb, but it's what the song requires. Beyond that, there's no substance to it. The words that don't rhyme with "S'MORE!!!" are just there to glue together the ones that do. Like a s'more. Only instead of chocolate and marshmallows, it's paste.
E: UG censors "wh0re"? Really?
jjfeu662
Celestia
Join date: Jun 2012
1,996 IQ
#5
Probably should have said more in the OP.

It's about countries choosing such a violent way to settle differences and what little consideration they give to little people. Kinda like War Pigs but more brutal.

And every verse has a different rhyme word. Next will probably rhyme with PAIN or something like that. Admittedly it is a little meat-headed, but isn't all hardcore?
Tomorrow will take us away
Far from home
No one will ever know our names
But the bards' songs will remain
Tomorrow will take it away
The fear of today
It will be gone
Due to our magic songs

ALL HAIL CELESTIA
Cavalcade
razor sharp
Join date: Jul 2011
1,942 IQ
#6
Quote by jjfeu662
It's about countries choosing such a violent way to settle differences and what little consideration they give to little people. Kinda like War Pigs but more brutal.

Really. You don't say. Well, in that case, I think this might be a bit too subtle for most people. Maybe you could add a chorus that goes like "War! Huh! What is it good for? Absolutely nothing!". Or something like that. Just an idea I had.
Quote by jjfeu662
And every verse has a different rhyme word. Next will probably rhyme with PAIN or something like that. Admittedly it is a little meat-headed, but isn't all hardcore?

See my previous post.
doubtfulsalmon
______________
Join date: Jan 2011
627 IQ
#7
Quote by jjfeu662
Admittedly it is a little meat-headed, but isn't all hardcore?


No.

Actually, I can think of very little that is.

With regard to the lyrics, there's not really much here to go by and its clearly a rough draft, but you need to heavily expand on your current ideas with more of the show don't tell kinda thing. Consider dropping those rhyming words in capitals, they're obviously restricting what you can write, try and arrive on a rhyming scheme as you go along if you want to use one, almost stumble upon it.
jjfeu662
Celestia
Join date: Jun 2012
1,996 IQ
#8
Edited the song to make it less stupid-sounding.
Tomorrow will take us away
Far from home
No one will ever know our names
But the bards' songs will remain
Tomorrow will take it away
The fear of today
It will be gone
Due to our magic songs

ALL HAIL CELESTIA
Cavalcade
razor sharp
Join date: Jul 2011
1,942 IQ
#9
If you're going to ask for feedback, it would help if you actually considered it, or at least read it.

And the *music cues*:
Quote by jjfeu662

*some wah wah black-sabbathy interlude*

*thrashy riff here*

*pick slide leading into doom riff*
*solo played on top of that*

*guitars fade out*
*drum solo*
*maybe dive bombs on top of that?*

*breakdown*

*repeat beginning verse pattern here, not sure what to say*

*wah wah sabbathy outro*

have to go. If the lyrics need the music behind them to make sense, or even sound the least bit good, that's a bad sign.
jjfeu662
Celestia
Join date: Jun 2012
1,996 IQ
#10
Quote by Cavalcade
If you're going to ask for feedback, it would help if you actually considered it, or at least read it.

And the *music cues*:

have to go. If the lyrics need the music behind them to make sense, or even sound the least bit good, that's a bad sign.


I read it, then reread it to see if I missed anything, but I don't see the part where you actually said anything, other than pointing out the obvious pattern in the chug riff.

It was my understanding that lyrics were meant to go with the music, hence the "music cues". Lyrics without music is poetry. Is this the poetry forum? If so, I must be missing something.
Tomorrow will take us away
Far from home
No one will ever know our names
But the bards' songs will remain
Tomorrow will take it away
The fear of today
It will be gone
Due to our magic songs

ALL HAIL CELESTIA
Cavalcade
razor sharp
Join date: Jul 2011
1,942 IQ
#11
Then you might want to re-read it a third time. I gave plenty of valid, critical feedback. Some of it was thickly sarcastic, but there was a point to all of it.
Quote by jjfeu662

It was my understanding that lyrics were meant to go with the music, hence the "music cues". Lyrics without music is poetry. Is this the poetry forum? If so, I must be missing something.

In a way, yes, it is.
I'm not sure if you've read any of the other threads here, but this is a forum for words. There are many talented writers on here, and they're all secure enough in their skill with words, that they let the words speak for themselves. They don't need a crude mock-up of music to back them up.

Let's recap:
*Music cues
*Too ham-fisted
*No meaning that isn't instantly obvious
*Lack of substance in the parts between the WAR/POOR/BORED/SINGAPOREs
I'd say that's plenty of valid criticism.
jjfeu662
Celestia
Join date: Jun 2012
1,996 IQ
#12
If that's the case, then this song would look out of place in a poetry forum.

By the way, it's not built around that rhyme, it is built around the chugging part. Maybe if I rewrote it like:

War is a way to settle
Scores between opposing sides
Gore is inevitable
Poor people were meant to die


Maybe that makes more sense? If the actual lyrics suck, then how can I make them better while retaining the theme and the pattern?

I was also thinking of including the lines "Pawns in the chess game of life" and something to do with "worthy sacrifice", but I want to avoid keeping using the or-sounding rhyme.
Tomorrow will take us away
Far from home
No one will ever know our names
But the bards' songs will remain
Tomorrow will take it away
The fear of today
It will be gone
Due to our magic songs

ALL HAIL CELESTIA
Last edited by jjfeu662 at Jun 25, 2013,
jjfeu662
Celestia
Join date: Jun 2012
1,996 IQ
#14
Re-edited it. Am I getting warmer?
Tomorrow will take us away
Far from home
No one will ever know our names
But the bards' songs will remain
Tomorrow will take it away
The fear of today
It will be gone
Due to our magic songs

ALL HAIL CELESTIA
crazysam23_Atax
Feuergesicht
Join date: Oct 2009
5,710 IQ
#15
Quote by jjfeu662
Re-edited it. Am I getting warmer?

I happen to think so. Keep working on it though.