eastern_riffs
UG Psychologist
Join date: Jul 2004
875 IQ
#1
Hello There !

Please check out this fully produced track of mine called "Sexy Lonely Girl". I have written the lyrics, music and sang the song. I would really love your reviews of this piece of work and I am dying for some critique. One of my main curiosity is to how the singing is as I am really new to it. Please provide your critical criticiszmm !! Cheers all !~


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kGdGHMioqOs&feature=youtu.be


PS: If there is any of your work you would like me to check out pls let me know, msg me, or I will check out your profile posts to find it. Cheers !


AeJay
I don't mean what I write in my posts.So don't argue back on it,and don't check me..Because,though I don't mean them,they are the only way I can increase my post count.
Last edited by eastern_riffs at Jul 7, 2013,
ironmanben
Registered User
Join date: May 2009
2,513 IQ
#2
-Bass could be a little louder, a little more pronounced in the mix.
-I thought the guitar solo was pretty good, you might even want to make that a little louder. Also, maybe some light distortion would bring the solo out.
-The flange sounds awesome in some parts, but in parts like the one around 1:36, experiment with holding back the flange a little bit.
-The riff is just plain groovy.
-Drums could be a little louder in the mix too. It sounds like you're using a drum machine or a program of sorts, forgive me if I'm wrong on that though. I think some parts need more cymbals to emphasize them, definitely work on a way to get more cymbals and maybe some hi-hat in. Listen to the songs you like, and focus on the drums, and when the drummer hits the cymbals.
-Work on the vocals. Clarity of the words and staying on key in particular. For the most part you're decently on key. Keep recording yourself singing, listen back, work on rough spots.
-Wish you'd posted the lyrics, but from what I can hear they might need a little work. You have a good sense of words that rhyme, so that's good. But describing this girl, I'd stay away from words like "sexy" (I always feel like that has a bad/weird connotation on the internet) and try to stay away from cliches/often used lyrical themes. If you want to post the lyrics I could give you some more direct advice.

Overall, certainly not a bad first effort.
eastern_riffs
UG Psychologist
Join date: Jul 2004
875 IQ
#3
Thanks for the feedback ironmanben. I will certainly keep these in mind and improve my work.

Here are the lyrics :

She was a sexy girl

she had it all for her

she had her all the gold

but she was so alone

she didnt trust no one

she couldnt hurt no one

she just wanted to love

be one with the sun


Could she be loved

she's gotta to trust

she tried so hard

but she's been hurt

could she be loved

she's turned to dust

she needs to trust

she needs to love


She's moved through many places

she's seen so many faces

she's tried to let it go

she's tried to build a home

she's been on dusty roads

she's still so alone

she's lived just off hope

she's walked up steep long slopes

after all the only thing she knows

is she's stronger than most


Could she be loved

she needs to trust

she's tried so hard

but she's been hurt

could she be loved

she's turned to dust

she needs to trust

she needs to love


Thanks for the feedback ! As always, crit for crit !
I don't mean what I write in my posts.So don't argue back on it,and don't check me..Because,though I don't mean them,they are the only way I can increase my post count.
ironmanben
Registered User
Join date: May 2009
2,513 IQ
#4
Thanks for posting the lyrics, let's see...
-The "many places/so many faces" part is an example of a very often used idea in rock music. It immediately brings to mind Bon Jovi's "Dead or Alive".
-I think the "turning to dust" metaphor is interesting, maybe you could develop that a little more. That's one of the parts that jumps out at me.
-It sounds like the person described in the song is kind of isolated. You could always elaborate on the consequences of her isolation.
-You want to use a lot of imagery that "jumps out" at the listener when you write lyrics, things that paint a sort of mental picture.
This is a song by one of my favorite bands, the Toadies. I want to use it as an example:

"My feet are stuck to the ground, my love has bound me here
I am a statue now, I gave you my last tear
Someday you'll wake up and you'll think of me and you'll know
I am a man, a man of stone"

It's using a theme not unlike your "turning to dust" theme. Rather than just stopping at being a "man of stone", he's using different phrases - "my feet are stuck to the ground", how he's "bound", to illustrate how powerless he feels.

-I'd also expand on how she's "lived off hope", describe that a little more. Use descriptive words, keep experimenting for things that sound good together.

-Last, "sexy" seems a little at odds with the song's theme. Her being "sexy" creates a more sexual image for her overall, and since the song isn't really a sexually focused song, maybe you'd want to refer to her attractiveness in a different way.

Hope I helped, good luck and keep writing.