#1 synth
Weeow!
Join date: Mar 2006
7,350 IQ
#1
when a river
floods your spine
moves your toes forward absent
mindedly, lips pursed quietly
taking note of pigeons perched on panties
pinned to clotheslines
you are in your old neighborhood now
walking down to the water’s edge
the sand cuts like the glass it will form
long after you die
there is a red moon cutting silhouettes
in your prayer position
knees in the riverbank
waiting

i was carried away at the mall once
i was fourteen
my mother was in Macy’s
the man said he would buy me orange julius
i followed him like a syringe
into a waiting vein
there were some mall cops that scared him off
i have a basket in my throat
chock full of what ifs
and silence
is in this room with us

taste it on your tongue like sea salt
blown in on the wind
the secret residue that coats our skin
like pen-pal letters
we wrote to ourselves
when we were in recovery
we made matching paper bracelets
to covenant the shackles
that hang like irons on our wrists

and people ask us why our posture bends

when we speak our truth,
sometimes,
weight is lifted,
sometimes,
weight stays heavy

there is a birthmark on your cheek
that holds the burning of chicago
there is a tattoo on your lower back
that contains the flooding of the nile
there is a candle in my hands

there is a candle
Last edited by #1 synth at Oct 5, 2013,
jiminizzle
Lost Pilot
Join date: May 2006
2,775 IQ
#2
jeez dylan this was really good. i just read it the first time (gonna give it a second go) with the standard version of this song playing. i figured you of all people wouldn't mind.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=W0cOmxYEjKU
it was really a perfect 2 minutes. you have no idea. and from a few hundred miles/a good few hours away you have made my day.

i kind of wanted you to get rid of the 'is' in
and silence
is in this room with us

it feels a bit messy and like you don't really lose anything. you could do "and now silence" but that changes the meaning a bit more.

to covenant the shackles
that hang like irons on our wrists

shackles/irons feels redundant. you could do something more interesting with it here.

i thought the burning of chicago felt a little clunky and wished it were just
that holds a burning chicago
or something like that but that feels like it's edging towards personal preference/style


those minor things said, i love it. really clicked. and though i don't have this one or any like it, there are so many weird mall memories with my mom (especially macy's) from growing up that i was right there in the scene when it happened. this one hit me pretty hard.
if you want to look at the one currently (perhaps lazily/cutely (given the ending)) called 'second person' i'd love to hear what you think
Anatomy Anatomy
Whale Blue Review

Park that car
Drop that phone
Sleep on the floor
Dream about me
skagitup
really god speller
Join date: Jun 2006
1,725 IQ
#3
final line gave me shivers. you're so good
Jammydude44
Bad Santa
Join date: May 2006
8,469 IQ
#5
I think the third stanza is a little lazy and even repetitive/derivative of a lot of other things you've written over the past year or so. The first image and the final few lines of it I felt were very weakly constructed - I think some times you have an over-reliance to wallow in nostalgia, when in fact you are a far, far more articulate and consistent writer when you put your efforts into contemplating the present (see: ending stanza and line).

That's why often the short little anecdotes in your writing can be deceiving - they look like nice little, poetic adventures that exponentially add to the emotion of the piece, but for me they are reductive, almost tacked on and essentially comfort-padding. For instance in the second stanza, the most effective lines are the final three. The actual "I was carried away..." carries nothing until you hit those lines. Because there's fewer comments here and you're somewhat revered perhaps you're getting less or less complete feedback as one time you would have, or you're not as self-critical as you used to be. Self-criticism is good, man. There's parts here that seem to be coasting and resting on their laurels.

That said Jimi's words were in direct opposite to mine so who knows what to believe in this crazy quiche of a world.
#1 synth
Weeow!
Join date: Mar 2006
7,350 IQ
#8
thanks guys! means a lot. specially you Jamie. your critiques are spot on. most of the things I post up here are pretty lazy one-shot pieces that I like. but you are absolutely right that I need to step up my revision game.
vintage x metal
Brown-Thighed Girl
Join date: Sep 2006
5,308 IQ
#10
Quote by Arthur Curry
it's official, vintage x metal is the saving grace of this board and/or the antichrist




e-married to
theguitarist
minterman22
tateandlyle
& alaskan_ninja

jiminizzle
Lost Pilot
Join date: May 2006
2,775 IQ
#11
i don't know, i still really like it. the 3rd stanza is definitely the weak point, the little bit after that is kind of fragile for it's abstraction but could work well with some tweaking and if what precedes it is tightened.
but i think the overall effect is captivating and unsettling in a good way.
Anatomy Anatomy
Whale Blue Review

Park that car
Drop that phone
Sleep on the floor
Dream about me