Carmel
Join date: May 2005
885 IQ
#1
My inner compass used to spin
and spin and spin
and hit North.
Always North.
And I kept asking, what does it mean
when it spins and it spins,
again and again and again
and always hits North?

Sometimes I thought it was
the rocks that I carried
in the pockets of my being,
from one continent to the other,
from one story to another;
each like a magnet, ever
reaching for its brother.

And oh, I have had so many brothers!

But then there came the day,
my inner compass spun and spun,
not hitting North it continued around,
unleashing a vortex, transforming
the rocks in my pockets to rockets, flying
like bullets from a gun, like bulls
on a red carpet run, like solar flares from a bloody sun -

and suddenly the compass cracked,
its face were leaking sand,
its mechanism broken down,
its needle finally rested, arrested
by her hand.
This is not a pipe
Jammydude44
Bad Santa
Join date: May 2006
380 IQ
#3
I like it because you're never afraid to be upfront with your emotions yet still retain a very noble, poetic intent. This is exemplified best in the persistent perspective and execution of exclamative phrases, and also in the way you're quite content to let simple wordplay (rocks/rockets) to just be there without much fanfare. And of course, the attention to vocabulary is always an important feature.

Unlike Dylan I found some solace in the latter half of the piece. I've always enjoyed the way you play around with linearity, and here we slip to "the day" before you bring us back to its meaning at the very end. I enjoyed the playing of pace and the quick run in the penultimate stanza. "its face were" - was? Or straight from faces to leaking?

There's a chance the first half plodded a little bit compared to the second - there's quite a prosaic quality to it, and I think maybe it could use a little work just to have a bit of metre or rhythm in it - not saying it needs to read like a rap, a slow but steady beat in the first half would perhaps aid the piece.

Overall I thought it was real solid, emotional and consistent.
Carmel
Join date: May 2005
885 IQ
#4
Something people should know about me - I take a lot from Hebrew, sometimes without even noticing, but I like keeping those things around. In Hebrew "face" is a plural word, which I think is wonderful, because we do not have just the one face, but many, ever-changing.
It used to be a typo, but then I just decided to embrace it. Face will always be plural in my writing.

Other words that are only plural in Hebrew: water, sky, face, life and more.
This is not a pipe
culex-knight
mon titre d'utilisateur
Join date: Jun 2004
30 IQ
#5
Who is "her"?
マリ「しあわっせはーあるいってこないだーからあるいってゆっくんだねーん 
いっちにっちいっぽみーかでさんぽ
 さーんぽすすんでにっほさっがるー 
じーんせいはっわんつー!ぱんち・・・


"Success is as dangerous as failure. Hope is as hollow as fear." - from Tao Te Ching

culex-knight
mon titre d'utilisateur
Join date: Jun 2004
30 IQ
#7
Strange, your timing.
マリ「しあわっせはーあるいってこないだーからあるいってゆっくんだねーん 
いっちにっちいっぽみーかでさんぽ
 さーんぽすすんでにっほさっがるー 
じーんせいはっわんつー!ぱんち・・・


"Success is as dangerous as failure. Hope is as hollow as fear." - from Tao Te Ching

LuvMAze
It´s not that obvious
Join date: May 2005
10 IQ
#8
I really liked the idea of the compass.
North was really safe and normal... that was good, but maybe also bad, that´s why the change is interesting.
Beware of the repetitions in the end of the phrases because it can sound bad on the actual song, but if it´s meant to be poetry then it´s ok.
I liked this alot. Congrats
You´re just outside
mojomike
Registered User
Join date: Nov 2003
510 IQ
#9
The repetition in the first stanza seems a little excessive to me:
"used to spin and spin and spin... when it spins and it spins, again and again and again". Even if it means just shortening the opening, I think it would make more of an impact to revise that down a little. But that's just my opinion.

The second stanza is perfect.

The third stanza (not counting the single line in between), there were two things that didn't quite sit with me. The first is the phrase "it continued around". Seems a little too simple, or obvious, choice of wording given the rest of the piece. The other was the "pockets/rockets" rhyme, whether intentional or not, which I didn't like for the same reason.

The final stanza is excellent. Not quite as powerful as the second, but a strong ending. And I agree with keeping the plural "face". It adds an extra bit of hidden meaning which works really well here.

Overall I give it 8 golfclaps out of 10 ( )
jiminizzle
Lost Pilot
Join date: May 2006
130 IQ
#10
I thought I already stole this title from you. Still fond of the word, I see.

I think you own the simple language well with this one. It, as yours often do, keeps growing on me.
Anatomy Anatomy
Whale Blue Review

Park that car
Drop that phone
Sleep on the floor
Dream about me
skagitup
really god speller
Join date: Jun 2006
61 IQ
#11
aside from the rhymes at the end of the penultimate stanza which i am not mad about, i absolutely love this. it is ****ing incredible.

& have missed you too