#1 synth
Weeow!
Join date: Mar 2006
7,350 IQ
#1
When we wake up stuck
To the exalted memory of moon beams and soiled sheets—
It is probably time to move on.

It is probably time
To get a day job,
Rent a first apartment—
Our parents certainly think so.

It is probably time
To sell the baseball collection
And finally hand down the Nintendo 64 to our younger brothers.

It is probably time
To drink with friends responsibly
And to talk about the “glory days,”

Conspicuously choosing to forget the various times we locked ourselves out of our rooms
Naked with just a towel on.
hippieboy444
Registered User
Join date: Apr 2006
7,137 IQ
#3
like this quite a bit too. you did a great job capturing the feeling (or what i presume will be the feeling) without being superfluous, and by that i mean literally using too many words. the brevity of this is great.

thanks for the read.
Jammydude44
Bad Santa
Join date: May 2006
8,469 IQ
#4
It comes across as a little preachy for me. Also both italicising and using quote marks for "glory days" was tautology via punctuation. It's a little too pleased to be able to reference a Nintendo 64. "Conspicuously" is the sort of adverb you usually are able to show in your imagery and word choice rather than lampshade. Probably time to move on.

Have a good day Dyl
NattyDaddy
Registered User
Join date: Jun 2013
252 IQ
#5
I enjoyed this as well. One thing that caught my attention was the use of plural first person adjectives like we and our instead of me and mine. It made me feel like perhaps the narrator was speaking to a love interest or something, but if this is the case I was thrown off when it says, "hand down to our brothers." This would mean the narrator is speaking to a very close sibling that they attended college with.

Return Critique if interested-
https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1626906
Jammydude44
Bad Santa
Join date: May 2006
8,469 IQ
#7
Quote by #1 synth
Aw Jamie, you're such a Scrooge! Hope you are well.


I like to keep everyone on their toes.
jiminizzle
Lost Pilot
Join date: May 2006
2,775 IQ
#9
have you ever read The Mysteries of Pittsburgh? I think you might really get something from that one. I can send it to you if you want. It's about a somewhat bizarre but still intensely relateable summer after college graduation.

I think this lacked a bit of atmosphere, as in it is something that if i'm in the mood for it at the time, i might get more out of it, and if i am not, it tries very little to change that. This wording maybe supposes some kind of laziness that i don't mean to imply--the job of the reader is to give it's due--I just think it is sort of not reaching as far as it could to make a point that i haven't heard before. It's nice, it really is, but you always seem to have a drive for more than that.

<3
Anatomy Anatomy
Whale Blue Review

Park that car
Drop that phone
Sleep on the floor
Dream about me
BjarnedeGraaf
UG's bear
Join date: May 2012
2,725 IQ
#10
Quote by #1 synth
When we wake up stuck
To the exalted memory of moon beams and soiled sheets—
It is probably time to move on.

It is probably time
To get a day job,
Rent a first apartment—
Our parents certainly think so.

It is probably time
To sell the baseball collection
And finally hand down the Nintendo 64 to our younger brothers.

It is probably time
To drink with friends responsibly
And to talk about the “glory days,”

Conspicuously choosing to forget the various times we locked ourselves out of our rooms
Naked with just a towel on.


I hate it, cause it's the truth. screw you man... I just wanna party and stay in my childhood


I actually like it, but I hate that you wrote it.
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