vintage x metal
Brown-Thighed Girl
Join date: Sep 2006
5,308 IQ
#1
what keep tension
in tension
and not
thrown into
momentum??


in my fantasies,
we move hand in
hand until our
hands
move
on
and
we
become
still...


if I can kiss you (mm..)
I will -

as for now, I will
stay still


and
hold you close
in our goodbyes
and steal your eyes
for our hellos
- talk for quite a while inside
and hope you laugh
at all my jokes,

and this goes on
and on
and
on
until I'm haunted by your ghost
(a ghost
of saliva&
beaded skin,
with all the same
controls)
(a ghost that follows your 'Good nights'
with the murmur of 'Hello')


.


.


.


hello.
Quote by Arthur Curry
it's official, vintage x metal is the saving grace of this board and/or the antichrist




e-married to
theguitarist
minterman22
tateandlyle
& alaskan_ninja

Last edited by vintage x metal at May 15, 2014,
21wickwing
wick2107
Join date: Feb 2009
1,487 IQ
#2
vintage, I love how you organize your poems so effectively. The structure of your verses really paces this well and adds to the quirky nature of the poem. Also the recurring usage of "hello" was a very nice touch and gave a whole new meaning to the word at the end. Thanks for sharing.
vintage x metal
Brown-Thighed Girl
Join date: Sep 2006
5,308 IQ
#3
glad you enjoyed, thank you for the crit
Quote by Arthur Curry
it's official, vintage x metal is the saving grace of this board and/or the antichrist




e-married to
theguitarist
minterman22
tateandlyle
& alaskan_ninja

hippieboy444
Registered User
Join date: Apr 2006
7,137 IQ
#4
i would remove the second ? at the end of the first stanza. this is just my personal preference, as i cannot dissociate it from text-speak (so to say).

otherwise, very solid work. sorry i dont have more to say critically, it opens and closes well and in between is carries itself gracefully. thanks for the read.