#1
this eggshape feels
seven years underneath
my ex-whited, ex-retainered
teeth. it pokes like
brace wire and tastes of
dinner money

like my splitted lips.
i will not give it a loose change birth, i am
chewing its devil's toenails at the orthodontist.


i am incubating flakes of limestone
because they feel like my misshapen foundations.


i will lock my jaw in shale
to be a fossil.


i leak thickblack mineral words


and vitrify.
#3
"ex-whited, ex-retainered" was the only part that felt too obvious or at odds with the dominant metaphor. i think this is a nice piece otherwise, quite solid.
#4
Thanks guys. I'm glad you think this is reminiscent of my older stuff, I'm planning on using this as lyrics and I really wanted something that represented where my writing comes from.

Those two words were written before I'd got much of an idea for the aesthetic, maybe I'll change them out.
#5
Quote by hippieboy444
"ex-whited, ex-retainered" was the only part that felt too obvious or at odds with the dominant metaphor. i think this is a nice piece otherwise, quite solid.


I agree. But I still think there should be sharp words that "distract" at this point, I just don't think those words fit.
マリ「しあわっせはーあるいってこないだーからあるいってゆっくんだねーん 
いっちにっちいっぽみーかでさんぽ
 さーんぽすすんでにっほさっがるー 
じーんせいはっわんつー!ぱんち・・・


"Success is as dangerous as failure. Hope is as hollow as fear." - from Tao Te Ching