doubtfulsalmon
______________
Join date: Jan 2011
628 IQ
#1
this eggshape feels
seven years underneath
my ex-whited, ex-retainered
teeth. it pokes like
brace wire and tastes of
dinner money

like my splitted lips.
i will not give it a loose change birth, i am
chewing its devil's toenails at the orthodontist.


i am incubating flakes of limestone
because they feel like my misshapen foundations.


i will lock my jaw in shale
to be a fossil.


i leak thickblack mineral words


and vitrify.
hippieboy444
Registered User
Join date: Apr 2006
7,137 IQ
#3
"ex-whited, ex-retainered" was the only part that felt too obvious or at odds with the dominant metaphor. i think this is a nice piece otherwise, quite solid.
doubtfulsalmon
______________
Join date: Jan 2011
628 IQ
#4
Thanks guys. I'm glad you think this is reminiscent of my older stuff, I'm planning on using this as lyrics and I really wanted something that represented where my writing comes from.

Those two words were written before I'd got much of an idea for the aesthetic, maybe I'll change them out.
culex-knight
mon titre d'utilisateur
Join date: Jun 2004
400 IQ
#5
Quote by hippieboy444
"ex-whited, ex-retainered" was the only part that felt too obvious or at odds with the dominant metaphor. i think this is a nice piece otherwise, quite solid.


I agree. But I still think there should be sharp words that "distract" at this point, I just don't think those words fit.
マリ「しあわっせはーあるいってこないだーからあるいってゆっくんだねーん 
いっちにっちいっぽみーかでさんぽ
 さーんぽすすんでにっほさっがるー 
じーんせいはっわんつー!ぱんち・・・


"Success is as dangerous as failure. Hope is as hollow as fear." - from Tao Te Ching