hippieboy444
Registered User
Join date: Apr 2006
7,150 IQ
#1
a short reach of my hand could knot us together,

two branches grown at complementary angles
enveloped by a canopy of sour membranes;

i hesitate: a slinted yellow
blinds me momentarily,
and then i am tumbling beneath
heavy waves::
the salt water tastes
so familiar.

we reach the shore,
more by accident than virtue:
two scaly hands of a forgotten clock,
greedy and realistic, drowsy
with memory;
as immiscible as iron and soil.

only a short distance between us
with time enough to spare,

but i hesitate.
Last edited by hippieboy444 at May 29, 2014,
vintage x metal
Brown-Thighed Girl
Join date: Sep 2006
5,308 IQ
#2
I really like the premise of this, and I love the imagery. I think one way to really hit it home is to add a little more about the body. You have a nice base already, especially in setting up images through metaphor, but I think some more descriptors of the body in action to continue these metaphors (like the weight of yourself, the way you are knocked around at any given moment, an inhale, an exhale, or a lack theirof)
Quote by Arthur Curry
it's official, vintage x metal is the saving grace of this board and/or the antichrist




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minterman22
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Victorgeiger
Registered User
Join date: May 2014
953 IQ
#3
I really enjoyed this, just wish it was longer. had more meat. Body as vintage said. Like the descriptiveness. The words put me there and that is a sign of really good writing.
hippieboy444
Registered User
Join date: Apr 2006
7,150 IQ
#4
added to this rather than taking away. i didn't like the second-to-last stanza. not sure if i have helped tie this up better or worse.

a short reach of my hand could knot us together, -

two branches grown at complementary angles
enveloped by a canopy of sour membranes;

i hesitate: a slinted yellow
blinds me / momentarily,
and then i am tumbling under
heavy waves::

the salt water
tastes so familiar.

we reach the shore,
more by accident than virtue:
two scaly hands of a forgotten clock
greedy and realistic, drowsy
with memory;
as immiscible as iron and soil.

you turn a greasy palm towards me:
a sleight arc to your metacarpals
crested with wet nerves,
and lining the corridors of skin
i sense a pulse droning out
like a fire exit, a symbol
pointing towards a bright light,
a warm shine on skin;

but i hesitate.
vintage x metal
Brown-Thighed Girl
Join date: Sep 2006
5,308 IQ
#5
yeah man, the second version is much more tactile and 'goosebump'-inciting
Quote by Arthur Curry
it's official, vintage x metal is the saving grace of this board and/or the antichrist




e-married to
theguitarist
minterman22
tateandlyle
& alaskan_ninja

hippieboy444
Registered User
Join date: Apr 2006
7,150 IQ
#6
thanks for your continued reading, i appreciate it. i still feel dissatisfied with this, but i'll let it sit for a while.
doubtfulsalmon
______________
Join date: Jan 2011
628 IQ
#8
I can properly feel you getting in the flow of images in that second version, it is a very enjoyable read.

My one little gripe is the double colon, it seems a touch out of place in this piece, it is such a subtle component that I'd expect it to be repeated to build upon it; it holds something of a different texture to the other such devices you used here. Just on it's own I'd expect a bolder device, but it is an interesting, organic quirk nonetheless.
hippieboy444
Registered User
Join date: Apr 2006
7,150 IQ
#9
im surprised you took notice of that. looking over, on first thought, i dont even know why i included it honestly. maybe i just liked the way it looked or something.

i think the lines "the salt water / tastes so familiar" is begging for punctuation too.
hippieboy444
Registered User
Join date: Apr 2006
7,150 IQ
#10
here is the latest revision ('knot' be cascaded closer together, couldn't fix the gap):

a short reach of my hand could k
                                               n
                                                 o
                                                   t us 
							together, -

	two branches grown at complementary angles
	veiled in a canopy of sour membranes;

i hesitate: a slinted yellow
blinds me / momentarily:
then i am tumbling under 
heavy waves: 
		\ 
	(the salt water tastes
		 so familiar;

)we reach the shore
more by accident than virtue:
two scaly hands of a forgotten clock,
greedy and realistic, drowsy 
with memory

as immiscible as iron and soil.

you turn a plausible hand towards me:
a sleight arc to your metacarpals
crested with wet nerves. and 
lining the dark corridors of the palm,
i sense a pulse droning out;
like a fire exit, a biblical symbol,
pointing towards a clean light, 

a warm shine on skin; 
		but i / hesitate.


one thing i struggle with is adjectives. i tend to use too many instead of finding the right ones. here, i wonder about "sour membranes", "plausible hand", and "clean light". i'm wanting this to end darkly: a sort of twisted temptation, forbidden fruit type deal. but i'm not sure i'm there yet.
Last edited by hippieboy444 at Jun 11, 2014,
Mack888
Registered User
Join date: Aug 2007
651 IQ
#11
Very interesting. It's like there's a kind of dark foreboding throughout the whole thing, to me it feels pretty dark throughout...love the way you've described it all!
SubwayToVenus
Registered User
Join date: May 2009
2,301 IQ
#12
I personally liked the second re-write the best, although I really liked some of the formatting features you had in the third. I actually thought your adjective use was amazing here, especially how certain ones were used together in such close proximity. As vintage said, it gave goosebumps.

To your point though, picking and choosing descriptors is super tough. I'd just lend the advice that you also have the option to not even use an adjective at all, especially if the noun you're describing is unique enough in the first place. For example, with "sour membranes", I actually think the "sour" gets in the way of it. "Membranes" is such an interesting word choice but I don't typically feel like I need to know how the membrane tastes. Or, at least, I didn't think I needed to ask myself that question in the context of this piece. In that case, I'd just use "membranes" itself or describe how it feels or looks. I just think taste was the wrong thing to describe there.

Overall though I thought this was really good.
here, My Dear, here it is