Bleed Away
th.
Join date: Feb 2006
2,763 IQ
#1
Antichoke from the, assumed, Budapest;
I, once again, eat alone.
The dishes remain unwashed;
the teeth decay, cathartically.
This is all that I have ever known.

\(Laughable).

Poverty reaps poverty;
40 years gone, what else can be sown?
Mundane noises,
fearful prayers:
An unconsumed lifetime.

There’s nothing wrong
with border-less love.
There’s nothing wrong
with these closed walls.
No wanderlust.
Empty closets;
there’s nothing wrong
with me.
Last edited by Bleed Away at Jun 4, 2014,
hippieboy444
Registered User
Join date: Apr 2006
7,150 IQ
#2
not sure what 'antichoke' means, unless you mean anti-choke.

i have very few complaints about this. i think, in the first stanza, removing the "and"s that start each phrase could help make each image have more impact; as well, the addition of "laughable" at the end feels out of place in the broad demeanour of the piece. the last two stanzas are great, they really tie this piece together and are what draw me in the most.

good piece. thanks for the read. i enjoyed this.
Bleed Away
th.
Join date: Feb 2006
2,763 IQ
#3
Quote by hippieboy444
not sure what 'antichoke' means, unless you mean anti-choke.

i have very few complaints about this. i think, in the first stanza, removing the "and"s that start each phrase could help make each image have more impact; as well, the addition of "laughable" at the end feels out of place in the broad demeanour of the piece. the last two stanzas are great, they really tie this piece together and are what draw me in the most.

good piece. thanks for the read. i enjoyed this.


Thanks for reading! Yeah, 'antichoke' is/should be 'anti-choke'.

Do you think 'Laughable' should be a line on its own?

Yeah, I think the second 'and' is unnecessary - I will edit that a bit.

I should get the "axis" soon, man.

Edit: Yeah, I have removed both 'and's.
Last edited by Bleed Away at Jun 3, 2014,
hippieboy444
Registered User
Join date: Apr 2006
7,150 IQ
#4
i like this edit over the original. you have yourself a great piece here, but if i was to suggest anything more (maybe i am being indulgent), i might would play with the punctuation to help emphasize certain things. to me, 'laughable' is craving some sort of [crazy/]punctuation to emphasize it. maybe even the stanzas could be staggered.

still, great work. your recent works have really been impressing me.
culex-knight
mon titre d'utilisateur
Join date: Jun 2004
400 IQ
#5
Last stanza.

<3
マリ「しあわっせはーあるいってこないだーからあるいってゆっくんだねーん 
いっちにっちいっぽみーかでさんぽ
 さーんぽすすんでにっほさっがるー 
じーんせいはっわんつー!ぱんち・・・


"Success is as dangerous as failure. Hope is as hollow as fear." - from Tao Te Ching

youknowhyimhere
Registered User
Join date: May 2014
21 IQ
#6
Quote by Bleed Away

There’s nothing wrong
with border-less love.
There’s nothing wrong
with these closed walls.


Border-less love got me on every re-read. I like the juxtaposition, how it makes me think instead of unlimited love, of limited love without definite form (after taking in the next line). I'm not sure if I'm wording this as clearly as I can, but I'm going out the door now. Good stuff, Bleed.