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DarkestChapter
Registered User
Join date: Feb 2010
50 IQ
#1
We got a female vocalist a couple of months ago who is not only exceptionally talented, but quite attractive as well. Before we accepted her in the band, we set up ground rules and decided that it would be a bad idea sleeping with her even if she was the one who approached us first. We decided to keep the relationship strictly platonic and with good reason. We agreed that if one of the members decides to sleep with her, this could create tension within the band that's irreversible and that could effect the band's future.

Well, last night, our drummer (who is also one of our closest friends) admitted that he slept with our new singer last week when he found out she broke up with her boyfriend. He did this despite knowing our opinions of the situation, and despite us constantly reminding him of our opinions when he tried to make an advance on her. Because of this, a huge fight broke out and our bassist, second guitarist, and myself, were hurt with what he did and we might lose a close friend and great drummer. Everything we predicted would happen if one of us slept with her is currently happening... Our drummer furiously stormed out of the discussion and started physically assaulting one of the members and said he'll quit the band.

What I hate most is that they both did something they knew we were not OK with, and that could jeopardize the band's future. I hate the fact that the singer told our drummer beforehand to keep the whole thing a secret in case a fight would break out. The only thing I admire from our drummer is that he admitted to doing it. People are free to act how they like. We certainly can't force them not to sleep together, but my drummer doesn't seem to understand that his actions have consequences.

Are we over-reacting? Did any of you deal with similar situations? How should we go about this?

Any input would be greatly appreciated. Thanks!

EDIT: This situation is resolved. I updated the situation in a comment on the third page if anyone is interested. Thanks for all the help.
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Last edited by DarkestChapter at Nov 18, 2012,
fudger
Im a ninja of love..
Join date: Feb 2008
150 IQ
#2
Is she your girl friend? If the answer to that question is no then you are over reacting. If a group of guys cant get over one of their friends laying pipe on a attractive female, what is this world coming to? It really should matter in my eyes as long as she isnt dating one of you guys there is no guy code to break.

So maybe she will get a bunch of good song writing out of the whole thing? Be nice to your friend buddy
TheUltimatum
Registered User
Join date: Feb 2011
10 IQ
#3
^^ I'll have to disagree with you on that fudger. Men have pride. What I'm sure everyone in this band is thinking now is why did he get to bone her but not everyone else. This essentially makes every other member in the band a third-wheel.

Also, band's are exceptionally hard to maintain. What the drummer did could only complicate things.
axemanchris
Awwww.... NOW what?!
Join date: Aug 2006
230 IQ
#5
Usually when professional relationships become personal relationships, the boundaries are hard to delineate. You already understand the potential complications, clearly.

She and your drummer have made a choice, also knowing what the potential complications are.

Was she a part of this "agreement" too, or was this a "guys agreement" made behind her back?

I suppose the thing here is to find out how they feel about it. Never mind the sex part, but call it a relationship, because it is... even if only a casual one. Don't talk about "you two slept together." Talk about the relationship. What are they prepared to do in the event that that personal relationship complicates the band relationship?

CT
Could I get some more talent in the monitors, please?

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turn_the_page93
Registered User
Join date: Aug 2009
37 IQ
#6
Funny, in my last band, our drummer ALSO nailed our female singer...

Then our drummer lost his car or some shit, and she was campaigning for a new drummer, didn't like him at all and already started asking around for drummers. it basically created a rivalry between the two which forced me and our bassist to choose sides.

Good call on keeping it platonic. as for your drummer buddy I'd say try to forgive him; the fact that he told you guys shows he cares about the band. But when things get tough I'd be ready for the two of em to turn on each other...
Ih5g
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Join date: Feb 2009
26 IQ
#7
Sounds to me like a self-fulfilling prophecy here really...
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strat0blaster
growing out of the snake
Join date: Feb 2008
50 IQ
#8
If you guys are already coming to blows over the girl, and your drummer bro screwed her AND the rules you all agreed on, I say toss them both out.

Times like this you have to weigh band vs. friend, and see which one is more important to you.

My opinion is that you think with your dick with groupies, not your bandmates.
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Skullivan
EG Fan aka Bandwagoner
Join date: Jun 2010
180 IQ
#9
1. Kill the singer
2. Cook her up into a nice chili
3. Invite drummer over for make-up chili
4. Give him chili
5. Wait until he asks, "So where's *female singer* at"?
6. Tell him, " Well you know how you were inside her the other night? Well now she's inside you."
7. ????
8. Profit
Nameless742
UG Fanatic
Join date: May 2009
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#10
If you're worried you'll sleep with her, get a girlfriend.
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due 07
haaan
Join date: Jun 2006
262 IQ
#11
Quote by TheUltimatum
^^ I'll have to disagree with you on that fudger. Men have pride. What I'm sure everyone in this band is thinking now is why did he get to bone her but not everyone else. This essentially makes every other member in the band a third-wheel.

LOL. Not everyone thinks of sex in a predatory, competitive, hypermasculine way. If they do, that's their problem.

The only reason there was any fallout in OP's situation is because they (not the drummer and singer, the others) went out of their way to make a big deal about it obviously.
NarwhalG2G
They're Red Hot
Join date: Sep 2012
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#12
Quote by Skullivan
1. Kill the singer
2. Cook her up into a nice chili
3. Invite drummer over for make-up chili
4. Give him chili
5. Wait until he asks, "So where's *female singer* at"?
6. Tell him, " Well you know how you were inside her the other night? Well now she's inside you."
7. ????
8. Profit

Easily the best advice on this thread.
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one-dead-cop
Banned
Join date: Aug 2006
30 IQ
#14
Are you all 15 or some shit? Grow up. You're only p-ed off because you didn't bang her. And this 'agreement' that none of you would sleep with her is bullsht. You get sex when you can.
Aralingh
Intelligent person
Join date: Mar 2012
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#15
Okay so... 4 guys(presumably) get a hot chick into their "gang" who doesn't even qualify to be in the band and THEN agree not to **** her? Why did you get her into the band in the first place?

And why would you agree not to **** her? I mean what's the problem, the idea of having a hot single girl in a band and everyone agreeing to not **** her, though everyone wants to, seems just a catalyst for destruction of a band.

I just don't get it...

Quote by one-dead-cop
Are you all 15 or some shit? Grow up. You're only p-ed off because you didn't bang her. And this 'agreement' that none of you would sleep with her is bullsht. You get sex when you can.


And this, you guys are just pissed that the drummer slept with her and not you guys.


Quote by due 07
LOL. Not everyone thinks of sex in a predatory, competitive, hypermasculine way. If they do, that's their problem.

The only reason there was any fallout in OP's situation is because they (not the drummer and singer, the others) went out of their way to make a big deal about it obviously.



If you consciously don't think of it as that, that's good, but genetically IT IS.
Last edited by Aralingh at Nov 17, 2012,
Aralingh
Intelligent person
Join date: Mar 2012
20 IQ
#16
Quote by Aralingh
Okay so... 4 guys(presumably) get a hot chick into their "gang" who doesn't even qualify to be in the band and THEN agree not to **** her? Why did you get her into the band in the first place?

And why would you agree not to **** her? I mean what's the problem, the idea of having a hot single girl in a band and everyone agreeing to not **** her, though everyone wants to, seems just a catalyst for destruction of a band.

I just don't get it...


And this, you guys are just pissed that the drummer slept with her and not you guys.


If you consciously don't think of it as that, that's good, but genetically IT IS.


Read the ****ing OP, retard. He said she is exceptionally talented, not the other option.
amonamarthmetal
Registered User
Join date: Aug 2008
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#17
Quote by SideEffect
Lose the chick from the band and just learn from the mistakes.

Just this. Who would you rather lose a close friend or a slut.
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Aralingh
Intelligent person
Join date: Mar 2012
20 IQ
#18
Quote by amonamarthmetal
Just this. Who would you rather lose a close friend or a slut.


She's not a slut.
due 07
haaan
Join date: Jun 2006
262 IQ
#19
Quote by Aralingh
If you consciously don't think of it as that, that's good, but genetically IT IS.

lol nope
Aralingh
Intelligent person
Join date: Mar 2012
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#21
Quote by due 07
lol nope


Well, I could find some proof to back up my statement but I don't really care at the time!

GOOD for you!
mattyp90
This is not a competition
Join date: Jun 2005
602 IQ
#22
What do I think?

Friendship is never perfectly equally split in any group of more than 2 people, some get on better than others.
This is natural, not a problem.
True, a band crisis might arise if they have a bad breakup - that hasn't happened yet but you've already reacted harshly for nothing.

What should you do?

If you want to continue as a band, get on with rehearsing, writing, and gigging. Apologise to the others and move on.
At the same time, if they want to continue as a band, they should try and stick to their band roles as before, and not change too much about the band environment.

If one or more people don't want to continue the band, the answer is simple.
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steven seagull
not really a seagull
Join date: Oct 2006
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#23
Grow up and start treating her as a band member - why should her gender have any bearing on anything. And you had " an agreement" that none of you would sleep with her? Boy, I bet she was really made up about that, how considerate of you all?

The very fact that you even DID that means that your primary concern was whether or not any of you would get to bone her, not the value she'd bring to your band - you do realise how pathetic that makes you all look?

You can sleep with whomever you like, the drummer can sleep with whomever he chooses, the singer can sleep with whomever she chooses - it's got sod all to do with the music your making. People fall out over all sorts of crap, relationships, money, drugs, eating someone else's sandwich - you can't legislate for any of it and you shouldn't belittle your singer by making up childish "rules" over her specifically.

The only issues here are the ones your immature attitudes have caused "ooooh...a giiirrrrl!!! What do we do???"

She's not "a girl", she's your singer. Time to grow up.
Actually called Mark!

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Slashiepie
Banged
Join date: Apr 2011
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#24
if your drummer had ****ed your bassist secretly.. would that be a problem?

btw - consider the possibility that he probably admitted it because he couldn't resist the urge to brag, not out of honesty XD
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Last edited by Slashiepie at Nov 17, 2012,
UnbrokenGlass
Registered User
Join date: Oct 2009
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#25
What you should do: Grow the hell up, knock it off with the misogyny.

What you'll probably do: Whine a lot about how unfair it all is.
HotspurJr
Registered User
Join date: Jul 2011
82 IQ
#26
Mr. Seagull nailed it.

Couple of things to add:

Asking people who are spending a lot of time together who are single to not sleep with each other is a fool's errand. It doesn't work that way. By putting up a fake obstacle ("we're in a band, we can't do this!") you just make it MORE enticing. Human nature sucks that way.

The real issues here are these:

The jealousy of the rest of the bandmates. She's a hot girl. You guys want her. Well, too bad. Be successful and you'll have plenty of other shots with plenty of other hot women.

Potential tensions between the drummer and singer. They have a responsibility to be adults about it if things go badly. Any sort of comment you make towards them should be ENTIRELY about how they handle it if things go badly romantically. That is the only part of it that is any of your business.

But mostly you have to get out of thinking about sex from a zero-sum, competitive-with-every-other-male mindset. There's plenty of sex out there for everyone. If you think that you're somehow programmed to think that way, you're wrong - read "Sex at Dawn" by Christopher Ryan and Cacilda Jetha to see just how wrong you are.
DarkestChapter
Registered User
Join date: Feb 2010
50 IQ
#27
Thanks for all the advice so far everyone. As for the insulting comments, I really don't mind. I could see how this situation could be construed as pathetic and idiotic, but the fact is, you do not know all of the circumstances.

Our drummer is a great guy and musician, but he's a hedonist. He thinks out of impulse and has a history of making bad decisions in both his professional life and his personal life. When he brought up the situation he was trying to brag for something that we all weren't attaching our self-worth to.

Why did we make this seemingly childish agreement? Because we specifically wanted to avoid this scenario that we predicted would happen with him. We wanted to keep a platonic relationship for everyone involved in order for the band to survive, and to give it a professional vibe. Sex complicates things, and platonic relationships keeps everyone's emotions in check and allows us to focus at the task at hand, which is touring, gigging, and recording a second album.

When he told us last night, he simply said it out of spite. We told him that we are all perfectly fine with it, but if the band starts to go down hill because of this, they will both be responsible and we won't tolerate it. After that he started screaming and punched our guitarist... but we're acting immaturely right? We know him, you don't. They could **** like rabbits for all we care, as long as the band doesn't suffer because of it, and judging from his reaction yesterday, it certainly might.

This is why we are concerned. We are all adults and had our share of one-night stands and relationships. We are concerned with the band, and only that, so do not spin this around. Bands are difficult to maintain as is, and he quite possibly made this task more arduous. But, we're all giving it the benefit of the doubt and we will see what happens. We want their to be transparency as well though.

This is why you do not shit where you eat.
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Last edited by DarkestChapter at Nov 17, 2012,
Slashiepie
Banged
Join date: Apr 2011
90 IQ
#28
Why is a guy as mature and eloquent as you in a band with a monkey who goes nuts bragging about how he ****ed the vocalist, and then proceeds to punch your guitarist.. and probably throw feces all around the place ? Why is that monkey in your band?

The fact alone that he resorted to violence against a band member should be enough to kick him the **** out.
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Last edited by Slashiepie at Nov 17, 2012,
W4RP1G
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Join date: May 2010
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#29
Obviously punching someone in the band shouldn't be tolerated. TS, in your OP you made it sound like he made a mistake and was coming clean for it, and then you made it sound like the drummer was boasting about it and trying to start drama in your next post. I think the odds are that you are both petty morons, and the fact hat you guys are fighting over boning some girl is pathetic. You're either not good friends, or just not friends who should be in a band together. Either way, one of you probably needs to go.

Also, you say you made that agreement to avoid this, but this seems to be all about the agreement you made in the first place. It sounds to me like you are all being a bunch of children.
DarkestChapter
Registered User
Join date: Feb 2010
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#30
Quote by W4RP1G
Obviously punching someone in the band shouldn't be tolerated. TS, in your OP you made it sound like he made a mistake and was coming clean for it, and then you made it sound like the drummer was boasting about it and trying to start drama in your next post. I think the odds are that you are both petty morons, and the fact hat you guys are fighting over boning some girl is pathetic. You're either not good friends, or just not friends who should be in a band together. Either way, one of you probably needs to go.

Also, you say you made that agreement to avoid this, but this seems to be all about the agreement you made in the first place. It sounds to me like you are all being a bunch of children.


You're entitled to your opinion. I realized I made myself unclear in the original post, which is why I tried to clarify the situation more.

1. My drummer was not coming clean. He simply admitted what happened (which I did in fact respect) but according to him he has a "carte blanche." He may meddle with our affairs and if his actions were in fact a mistake and not advantageous, he will not take any responsibility for them.

2. He is a good friend but he has his vices, same like I do, and same like you do. Let me give you an example. Last year he slept twice with his closest friend's sister while he was in a 2 year relationship. Eventually his friend found out and they stopped seeing each other. His SO found out because his friend ratted on him and they do not see each other anymore. The sister was OK with it but they agreed that it wasn't worth pursuing a relationship with such turmoil already happening.

3. There's a reason many careers frown upon office relationships. Many people cannot separate their work environment from their personal lives. We are a signed band recording our second album. This no longer is fun and games anymore. We are trying to make something out of it and we do not want any sudden risks.

4. We made the agreement to avoid conflict. What is happening right now? Conflict. This is what we were trying to avoid. As of yet, we did not have a session with them together. I invited everyone for one in a couple of days. If things seem to work, then GREAT, no hard feelings and let's try and act mature about it and continue working in a productive environment that doesn't involve physically assaulting a band member due to the realization that you may have made a mistake.

Like I said, you are entitled to your opinion. However, I'm being as objective as I possibly can right now and describing the situation as is. If you think it wasn't worth the fight, then you clearly do not understand how fragile human relationships are.
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Last edited by DarkestChapter at Nov 17, 2012,
W4RP1G
Please, call me Pig.
Join date: May 2010
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#31
First off, get over what he did with his friends sister. That didn't even involve you, and if you're implying that it's a character defect that makes what he did with the singer to be expected, then you are delusional for ever expecting him to adhere to your pact.

Secondly, you keep presenting different bits of info that were previously unknown to everyone but you as some way to justify your opinions on the matter. Do I really need to explain why that is a flawed approach?

And lastly, if you're a signed band, and you guys see the drummer as the weakest link, then you should definitely consider kicking him out and finding a replacement. I know there aren't exactly a ton of drummers out there, but I'd imagine it wouldn't be too hard to find a replacement in your situation.
DarkestChapter
Registered User
Join date: Feb 2010
50 IQ
#32
Quote by W4RP1G
First off, get over what he did with his friends sister. That didn't even involve you, and if you're implying that it's a character defect that makes what he did with the singer to be expected, then you are delusional for ever expecting him to adhere to your pact.

Secondly, you keep presenting different bits of info that were previously unknown to everyone but you as some way to justify your opinions on the matter. Do I really need to explain why that is a flawed approach?

And lastly, if you're a signed band, and you guys see the drummer as the weakest link, then you should definitely consider kicking him out and finding a replacement. I know there aren't exactly a ton of drummers out there, but I'd imagine it wouldn't be too hard to find a replacement in your situation.


I admitted that I did not make myself clear, and I understand your criticisms. I was trying to write as concise as possible but evidently I didn't do a great job. This is why I tried to make myself clearer in subsequent posts.

Our drummer is actually one of the most talented drummers I heard. This is what makes this situation complicated, although I agree that I may have described it as more complicated than it actually is.

I made this thread to see if anyone had any similar situations and how they bypassed any conflict. I understand that I just have to wait and see, and if it does not work out, and they start to meddle their personal lives with the band, then things will have to change.

Anyways, thanks for the input!
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HotspurJr
Registered User
Join date: Jul 2011
82 IQ
#33
Quote by DarkestChapter

Our drummer is a great guy and musician, but he's a hedonist. He thinks out of impulse and has a history of making bad decisions in both his professional life and his personal life. When he brought up the situation he was trying to brag for something that we all weren't attaching our self-worth to.


Thank you for clarifying.

It's not your position to judge him for being a hedonist. It's not your position to judge him for making bad decisions in his past. Let all of those things go.

Why did we make this seemingly childish agreement? Because we specifically wanted to avoid this scenario that we predicted would happen with him.


Sometimes the cure is worse than the disease. The fact that you made an agreement about "all of you" because you were worried about him specfically says bad things about your ability to communicate together as a group. You should be able to address the real issues with him. This may not all be your fault, of course.

We wanted to keep a platonic relationship for everyone involved in order for the band to survive, and to give it a professional vibe.


Whoa. Wait a second. I thought you said you were worried about him. I don't know if you're writing this in an unclear way, or if your motivations are shifting, but you need to be clear about your motivations. Did you create this agreement because you were specifically worried about him or not?

Sex complicates things, and platonic relationships keeps everyone's emotions in check and allows us to focus at the task at hand, which is touring, gigging, and recording a second album.


I think this is somewhat naive. Sex CAN complicate things. It can also not, depending on the people involved. Not having sex when you really want it with someone and they want it with you can complicate things just as much, if not more.

When he told us last night, he simply said it out of spite. We told him that we are all perfectly fine with it, but if the band starts to go down hill because of this, they will both be responsible and we won't tolerate it. After that he started screaming and punched our guitarist... but we're acting immaturely right?


Just because he's a total douchebag (and quite frankly, the behavior you describe here would get him kicked out of any band I was in) doesn't mean you were being mature and adult about things.

Him being wrong doesn't make you right.

We know him, you don't. They could **** like rabbits for all we care, as long as the band doesn't suffer because of it, and judging from his reaction yesterday, it certainly might.


Is the band suffering because he's sleeping with her, or because you guys are freaking out because he's sleeping with her? Right now it sounds like the problem is the freak-out, not the sex. That could change, of course.

More specifically:

My drummer was not coming clean. He simply admitted what happened (which I did in fact respect) but according to him he has a "carte blanche." He may meddle with our affairs and if his actions were in fact a mistake and not advantageous, he will not take any responsibility for them.


The issue I see here is that his behavior hasn't yet created a problem, and yet you're turning it into one. I dunno, by analogy, suppose that he was a guy who, when he'd had five beers, had a bad habit of getting in his car. And he had one beer, and all of a sudden you got in his face about drunk driving. Yes, in that situation, I'd be wary and aware of the situation, but I wouldn't act like him having one beer was doing anything wrong.

I don't see how the fact that he cheated in a previous relationship is relevant.

We made the agreement to avoid conflict. What is happening right now? Conflict.


Right, but is the conflict because of the sex, or because of your reaction to the sex?

I may well have misconstrued your maturity level from your initial post, and if that's the case I apologize. But I still see you as over-reacting and creating drama in the name of avoiding drama.

Yeah, you know, the drummer might be a lame person. The fact that he flipped out and hit someone is a problem. But the fact that he flipped out and his someone says one of two things, or, possibly, both of them:

1) You raised the issue in an insulting manner and are trying to control him in an unfair way

and/or

2) He's somebody with a hair trigger temper who is going to get violently angry when confronted with reasonable concerns.

Honestly, it sounds like both are in play. But if it's 1, then the issue isn't who he slept with, it is that you are unfairly trying to control his sex life, and if it's 2, then you're going to have major issue with him regardless of who he's sleeping with, and you shouldn't blame it on the sex. You've made your bed about who you're in a band with, and you have to accept that means sometimes he's going to get violently angry about stuff.
Last edited by HotspurJr at Nov 17, 2012,
AlanHB
Godin's Resident Groupie
Join date: Aug 2008
200 IQ
#35
It sounds like there has been issues with the drummer for some time (if I understand the background), and this was just the nail in the head.

As for "agreements not to have sex with bandmembers", I've only imposed them when I am running a paid session group, where the artist is paying us. Specifically, none of the session guys sleep with the artist until our job is done and we get paid our cash. That's specifically so that the rest of the boys get paid in the case that everything goes downhill.

Relationships in bands, sometimes they work, but they usually don't, and is best avoided.

In this case, the way that the story was told was that an agreement was made not to have sex with someone, then everyone got angry when they did. On one level it sounds like all the rest of the guys were jealous because they didn't get to have sex with her too.

But this is all very high-school anyway. Have you confirmed with the singer that they did in fact have sex? At this point I'm not putting it above the drummer to have made it up, if this was in the context of a spiteful argument.
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Addonexus408
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#36
Quote by webber243
since when has the drummer had the first pick of the girls?

this, so much.
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strat0blaster
growing out of the snake
Join date: Feb 2008
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#37
Shit like this is why I sold half my gear, bought a nice acoustic, and started writing solo music.
Do you feel warm within your cage?

And have you figured out yet -


Life goes by?
Quote by Hydra150
There's a dick on Earth, too
It's you
rockingamer2
Larmarky Remark
Join date: Nov 2006
10 IQ
#38
Quote by axemanchris

Was she a part of this "agreement" too, or was this a "guys agreement" made behind her back?

This.
^^The above is a Cryptic Metaphor^^


"To know the truth of history is to realize its ultimate myth and its inevitable ambiguity." Everything is made up and the facts don't matter.


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20Tigers
1
Join date: Jun 2008
50 IQ
#39
Quote by HotspurJr
...
and/or

2) He'ssomebody with a hair trigger temper who is going to get violently angry when confronted with reasonable concerns. a drummer.

Sounds like much ado about nothing. As though at the moment there is a problem in the band dynamics and that problem is over the possibility that there might be a problem in the band dynamics.

as someone said earlier - self fulfilling prophecy

and it really does sound like the rest of the band is gutted that they weren't the one to sleep with her. I wouldn't be surprised if at least one other band member agreed to this "pact" with a long game in mind (though they probably wouldn't even admit it to themselves) and now that the drummer has played a short game they feel cheated.

I wonder if other members of the band will now see the "pact" is off and it's open season on the singer. Nothing good comes of making agreements or wagers about sex with girls.

She probably told him to keep it quiet because she felt it wasn't the two of them that would have an issue with what happened between them but was worried the rest of the band would get wierd about it - and it seems she knew what she was talking about.

Anyway not a big deal at the moment. Deal with it if it becomes a real problem. Otherwise it does sound like the worry is what is going to cause most of the issues in the band.
Si
innertom
Registered Sex Offender
Join date: Aug 2009
10 IQ
#40
how about you just keep going until/if it becomes a problem, when it does gang bang the singer then kick her out of the band.
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