zero27
Registered User
Join date: Dec 2004
70 IQ
#1
I don't know where I've been

|If I can keep my heart/I can keep my head|

(...and fend of all their legions...

...for neither rhyme nor reason...)

I don't believe that this is really happening
and it's sad to say but it seems I've lost the plot again.

there's the human I was born,
and the person I became.
I was calm before the storm,
now I'm angry in the rain.

I/don't/be/lieve/that/this/is/real/lee/happening
and it's sad/to/say but it seems/I've/lost/the/plot again

It's all in my mind,
but I keep in time,
or at least, I try,
I haven't been alive in such a great while.
crazysam23_Atax
Feuergesicht
Join date: Oct 2009
490 IQ
#2
I really like that. It's piece that I can relate to a bit (not because I'm ever pessimistic for very long, but because we all feel like shit sometimes).


Quote by zero27
there's the human I was born,
and the person I became.

The only change I would suggest is to maybe change "human" to "person". It's sort of a disconnect in the reader/listener's mind. If you're purposely going for said disconnect, cool. But yeah, I'd change it; it'd make it flow smoother.

See how it feels to you.
there's the person I was born,
and the person I became.


Crit mine? (Oh, do me a favor and please read the other posts in the thread quick.)
https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?p=30763462#post30763462