Page 1 of 2
slash_GNR666
Dan! Dan! Dan! Dan! Dan!
Join date: Jun 2009
374 IQ
#3
I got a semi-on... does that count?
Quote by lambofgod127
btw im in hs and im almost 18 so if u do think she was flirting with me dont say that its wrong im almost a grown man.




༼ ▀̿Ĺ̯▀̿ ̿ ༽ WE ARE ROB ༼ ▀̿Ĺ̯▀̿ ̿ ༽
Obsceneairwaves
UG Member
Join date: Sep 2011
1,001 IQ
#4
It's over simplified, So what!

Quote by eGraham
I'm going to be on top of what is called a knob
Quote by theguitarist
Big ones can be fun in some ways but generally, they are a pain in the ass.
Quote by Wolfinator-x
I don't know what is going on in this thread or why I have an erection.
CeeJay08
Registered User
Join date: Apr 2008
274 IQ
#6
Elongated r.. Charrrrrrrrrrrr... Chewbacca style!
EpiExplorer
orsonfacenospace
Join date: May 2008
5,421 IQ
#7
Isn't Char a minor side quest character in Mass Effect 2 and 3?

'Oh blue rose of Illium!'
o()o

Quote by JamSessionFreak
yes every night of my entire life i go to bed crying because i wasnt born american
CeeJay08
Registered User
Join date: Apr 2008
274 IQ
#8
Might be! In the context of the story Charr is just a working name for the name character.. Finding it difficult to name the little bastard
SexyLikeAPig
Don't judge us fat girls
Join date: Jan 2011
59 IQ
#11
Quote by CeeJay08
Might be! In the context of the story Charr is just a working name for the name character.. Finding it difficult to name the little bastard


How about Barry Van Hugedick-Ultradoom?
RIP Adam
CeeJay08
Registered User
Join date: Apr 2008
274 IQ
#12
Quote by SexyLikeAPig
How about Barry Van Hugedick-Ultradoom?


That's definitely on the short list. :P
CeeJay08
Registered User
Join date: Apr 2008
274 IQ
#13
Basically to all of UG... The point of this and linking people to my Booksie page is simple - if I can get just 1 person to actually read my work and give me constructive criticism, or say whether or not they like it, i'll be able to use that productively.

This is my second novel, and my first was decently successful IMO. It's sold just under 500 copies to date, and using that and research, this book is hopefully being pushed towards a much larger audience.

Just wanted to say to anybody that does either read or look at it - Thank you. I appreciate the time and thought!
Jyrgen
Used Register
Join date: Jan 2010
2,049 IQ
#16
Tags: fantasy, behemoth, final, science, fiction, novel, magic, empire, hero, love, romance, death, life, poetry, poem, pain, fantasy, sex, sad, hate


I genuinely expected this to be softcore porn A quick glance revealed this to not be the case though
CeeJay08
Registered User
Join date: Apr 2008
274 IQ
#17
Lmfao I copy pasted tags.. Thanks for that! Shall remove it now :P
Obsceneairwaves
UG Member
Join date: Sep 2011
1,001 IQ
#18
Quote by Jyrgen
I genuinely expected this to be softcore porn A quick glance revealed this to not be the case though






Those tags are like... Everything I don't like to read about
It's over simplified, So what!

Quote by eGraham
I'm going to be on top of what is called a knob
Quote by theguitarist
Big ones can be fun in some ways but generally, they are a pain in the ass.
Quote by Wolfinator-x
I don't know what is going on in this thread or why I have an erection.
CeeJay08
Registered User
Join date: Apr 2008
274 IQ
#19
Looking at the tags now they're not particularly clever. Thanks a lot for observing that, will definitely change them x
CeeJay08
Registered User
Join date: Apr 2008
274 IQ
#20
Job done! Almost 100 extra views from this thread so far.. Thanks so much guys!
Butt Rayge
UG Resident
Join date: Jan 2009
2,788 IQ
#22
Quote by CeeJay08
Job done! Almost 100 extra views from this thread so far.. Thanks so much guys!

Without clicking the link and judging solely from this post I'd say this is probably against the rules.
CeeJay08
Registered User
Join date: Apr 2008
274 IQ
#23
Why would it be? It's just linking people to a novel, it's nothing for profit or anything illegal!
CeeJay08
Registered User
Join date: Apr 2008
274 IQ
#24
Ok tags fixed, and a few minor edits changed courtesy of readers! Thanks guys, appreciate everything so far. x
CeeJay08
Registered User
Join date: Apr 2008
274 IQ
#26
rofl, is it really that bad? Back in '08 it was cool!
Todd Hart
Do Sadists go to Hell?
Join date: Sep 2009
153 IQ
#27
If you want to get properly published then you really need to improve your writing; it has many of the traits of amateur work: overuse of adjectives, disjointed topics and events, 'babysitting' the reader, etc. It's not awful, but I wouldn't try to publish it.
...Stapling helium to penguins since 1949.
Mathedes
Dissonant Unison
Join date: Jan 2009
329 IQ
#28
Deshi deshi basara basara!
Deshi deshi basara basara!
Deshi deshi basara basara!
Deshi deshi basara basara!
We're all alright!
CeeJay08
Registered User
Join date: Apr 2008
274 IQ
#29
I do agree on the babysitting front, and thanks for the comment. When I wrote the first draft of the first 4 chapters, a lot of people complained about the language being too complex and the names for locations/characters being difficult to pronounce, so I came to the point of babysitting through that.

It'll be interesting to see whether or not that indeed needs toning back as the opinions flow, but its definitely noted. Thanks!
Todd Hart
Do Sadists go to Hell?
Join date: Sep 2009
153 IQ
#30
Quote by CeeJay08
I do agree on the babysitting front, and thanks for the comment. When I wrote the first draft of the first 4 chapters, a lot of people complained about the language being too complex and the names for locations/characters being difficult to pronounce, so I came to the point of babysitting through that.

It'll be interesting to see whether or not that indeed needs toning back as the opinions flow, but its definitely noted. Thanks!


There's no such thing as language being too complex unless you're heavily relying on technical terms (real or fictional), or unless your readership is rather dense. Your language, however, is very 'purple', that meaning it's excessive. You use adjectives when they aren't needed, and entire clauses and sentences which need not be there. The first sentence of your second paragraph, for example, has a few clauses that are redundant: you mention that he's not stupid, but we already know this because he's apparently an 'expert thief' (though calling him an expert thief is a problem too, expert isn't a rank, so you aren't telling us anything specific, and if he is an expert we should know this by his actions, not just your assertion. The fact he gets noticed makes the claim seem especially dubious). You also say that he's running through the market, which isn't needed as we know he's in the market from the first paragraph, and then you again say that he's running past market stalls. All of this redundant text makes it quite a chore to get through.

As for character names, they aren't too bad, but with fantasy it's very easy to fall into the trap of making up ridiculous names. You do overload the reader a little with names at one point though. If you're using fictional names then where you place them in the text is very important; you can't have a big string of names together because people will, again, become bored, and they'll forget the names anyway.
...Stapling helium to penguins since 1949.
CeeJay08
Registered User
Join date: Apr 2008
274 IQ
#31
That's about the most constructive comment i've had so far.. Cheers mate :P
Todd Hart
Do Sadists go to Hell?
Join date: Sep 2009
153 IQ
#32
Quote by CeeJay08
That's about the most constructive comment i've had so far.. Cheers mate :P


It's the middle of the Winter holiday and I've had nothing to critique in a little while, it's a habit.
...Stapling helium to penguins since 1949.
CeeJay08
Registered User
Join date: Apr 2008
274 IQ
#33
Lol, well this book is being written based off of criticism and outside input, and so far it's going well. It started out as a block of text and its slowly forming a cohesive story.. So it's always great when somebody comes along who actually bothers!
jimmydvn
Registered User
Join date: Feb 2011
329 IQ
#34
In the first paragraph it introduces three different places in the space of seven lines, so unless they've already been explained in chapter 1, it's a bit of an information overload. Good though (only read the first couple of paragraphs)
I have no sig, and neither do I want one.
CeeJay08
Registered User
Join date: Apr 2008
274 IQ
#35
yeah, it is explained. basically i change which chapter people read to try and get as much coverage as a whole as i can, because otherwise its just the first page that gets seen. it is explained though!
davrockist
UG's Spitfire
Join date: Apr 2008
112 IQ
#36
I'm not in much of a mood for reading through the whole thing and critiquing it all, but I did read a bit of the beginning, and I'd just like to add to what Todd said.

Rangers are mercenarii, bodies available for hire, in this case to protect the city and its people. ...

This type of writing really irritates me. I'm sure as a writer you've heard about show vs tell in text, and while it's true that you can't have a story without tell, this is just too in your face. It's like talking really slowly so the reader can keep up. If you're writing a story (i.e. past tense), any time you step out of that to explain something to the reader in present, you break immersion, and one thing you almost definitely do not want to do is break immersion. The exception being if that itself is part of the story, but that's generally only used in comedy writing.
The way to resolve this is by showing, rather than telling. In this example, instead of describing the Rangers' traits and what they are, gradually show these pieces of information throughout the story. Depending on how big a part they have to play in the story, this might be easy; you could have one particular Ranger, and as he's making typical actions, mention that they are typical of a Ranger. If he does something atypical, mention how unusual it is for a Ranger to do such a thing. If the Rangers don't have a particularly big role throughout the story, it might mean writing an extra short section to exemplify the traits you want the reader to see.
The idea is to not simply present the information to the reader and then expect them to not have to think about that anymore. You want them to discover everything as theyget into the book. Throw every description in their face at the start, and you've lost half your hook. Say you mention the Rangers, as you have, at the end of the paragraph before the one I quoted, without really describing them much. There's a good chance at this point that the reader is wondering what a "Ranger" is, and what they have to do with the story. If you tell them in the next few lines, they're no longer curious, and more likely to lose interest.
Put it this way: if you start a new job and meet someone in the office, do you know everything about them immediately? Nope, you've got to find it out for yourself, most likely over several conversations with that person. Each time you talk to them, you learn a little more, and your relationship with them grows stronger (assuming they're not a dick, of course ).

That was probably much too wordy, but I hope you get what I'm saying

The other thing I wanted to say was going to say also echoes Todd, in that it is very easy to just make up weird names for characters and places. Like "Xzamark". This isn't really a critique, as such, but more of something to consider. What might help a little with that is coming up with a basic mythology in your head for the world you've created. So: religion (if there is any), other creatures that live in this world, how the people came to live where they do, why things are named whatever they are, etc. Now, I haven't read it all; you may have done so. However, many succesful fantasy stories draw on other mythologies for their inspirations (frequently Norse, for some reason), and incorporate elements of them into their new ideas. The main point, if you want to have an in-depth story, is to have meaning behind things like names. For example, in Robert Jordan's Wheel of Time series, one of the protagonists is a young farmer named Rand al'Thor. When you first meet the character, you just think "Oh, that's his name." Then you look at some of the other characters: Nynaeve al'Meara, Egwene al'Vere. The "al" obviously means something, in the same way that the "Mc" in a name like John McGrath is a shortened version of "Mac", which means "son" in Irish. Later in the story, you discover that the "al" prefix actually denotes royal blood in the "Ancient Language", and that several of the characters are descended from the kings of old.
Now, I'm not saying you have to be as detailed as that, I'm just saying that having a reason behind a name is often better to not having one.


I did not intend to waffle on for so long. Anyway, hope that's of some use to you
e-married to the most fabulous Fashionista ever, Rarity
e-mom to Scootaloo, somehow
Quote by dawgeth321
Let's warm our wings, fly through the clouds, and dance in the sky, mon capitaine.

Quote by T00DEEPBLUE
Spit is a milf

UG 8-BIT ALBUM
SoundCloud
N_J_B_B
Nicko.
Join date: Jul 2006
1,326 IQ
#37
all we need is some butter and cream and we have breakfast
Quote by SlackerBabbath
My ideal woman would be a grossly overweight woman who would happy go jogging, come home all sweaty and let me put my dick under her armpit while she shuffles a pack of cards.

Stay classy, pit.
ErikLensherr
MGTOW
Join date: Jul 2011
1,619 IQ
#40
Quote by CeeJay08
Might be! In the context of the story Charr is just a working name for the name character.. Finding it difficult to name the little bastard

Charizard

And instead of a person he's a talking Charizard.
Quote by EpiExplorer
I swear this guy in particular writes for the telegraph or some shit.

Quote by Rossenrot
I was in NYC for all of about 5 minutes until I was called a cracker and called out to fight someone.