#1
I tried to write something coherent
scrapped it
freewrote this.
help me.
edit is size.

------------------------
I like to travel on clouds, but not literally
you like to travel in and out of
something hazy
you could touch them if it wasn't for
the plane windows
I'd rather keep a distance
there's a beauty in the unknown
of wilderness

I wish I was born a few centuries ago
I would have grown myself a sea man
no worries with the woman
even if there were, I'd ought to go

I'd salt the meat, I'd wash the deck
I'd have true mates, and a captain
and I'd often write as night approaches
under the oil lamp by the porthole
about stormy nights and great hard winds
the infinite in the backyard
moving up and closing in
the flicker of the wooden torches
then sudden whispers and the lulling
of comforting regular waves
the cracking of the wood,
the flapping of the sails,
soft rain ; night.

pop.

harder times, merrier folks
card games cigars and simple goals ;
keeping the cape straight on ahead
I wish I would have seen this world when
technology was
a hand drawn map,
cardinal points and a sextant
but today you're always around we
communicate through copper wires
and fly with iron wings

I wish I was born a sea man.
Last edited by circular.parade at Nov 17, 2008,
#3
technology was a
hand drawn map,

horrible line break.

long piece for a relatively simple message.

edit: that said, it's good enough for this forum to love. i wanted something more to sink my teeth into.
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Last edited by Snowblind 911 at Nov 15, 2008,
#4
I tried to write something coherent
scrapped it
freewrote this.
help me.
edit is size.

I thought this was the poem at first... lol.

------------------------
I like to travel on clouds, but not literally
you like to travel in and out of
something hazy
you could touch them if it was not for
the plane windows
I'd rather keep a distance
there's a beauty in the unknown
of wilderness

This is pretty good. I had a couple small complaints. I thought "but not literally" was superfluous, because who would literally travel on a cloud? I'm probably the only one who would feel this way, but I think "wasn't" would flow better than "was not" in the fourth line. I also think that while the last line has a nice sentiment, "unknown of wilderness" could maybe be stated slightly better. Not sure what I'd modify it to say though. Definitely an intriguing beginning though.

I wish I was born a few centuries ago
I would have grown myself a sea man
no worries with the woman
even if there were, I'd ought to go

I thought the wording here was so awkward. The first line is fine, no complaints there. "Grown myself a sea man" made little sense to me, as to why you'd word it that way. I dunno, "grown up a sea man", "become a sea man" -- I assume that's along the lines of what you meant. "Even if there were, I'd ought to go" struck me as odd as well. Seemed unnecessarily wordy, like it was trying too hard to seem highbrow.

I'd salt the meat I'd wash the deck
I'd have true mates, and a captain
and I'd write often when night approaches
under the oil lamp by the porthole
about stormy nights and great hard winds
the infinite in the backyard
moving up and closing in
the flicker of the wooden torches
then sudden whispers and the lulling
of comforting regular waves
the cracking of the wood
the flapping of the sails,
soft rain ; night.

Should be a comma between "meat" and "I'd wash". Don't like "true mates". Though I do like the use of "mates" so never mind I suppose. Prefer "as night approaches" to "when night approaches". "Great hard winds" was a little weak. All in all though, this is beautifully descriptive.

pop.

goes the weasel!

harder times, merrier folks
card games cigars and simple goals ;
keeping the cape straight on ahead
I wish I would have seen this world when
technology was a
hand drawn map,
cardinal points and a sextant
but today you're always around we
communicate through copper wires
and fly with iron wings

Line breaks are off here. "Technology was a hand drawn map" is much better on a single line. Breaking "today you're always around / we communicated through..." with "we" on the second line flows much better logically to me. Again, beautifully descriptive here though.

I wish I was born a sea man.

Full circle, nice ending.

I suppose the most useful thing I could say to you here is that I agree largely with Snowblind's sentiment that you were stretching out a simple idea here into a ton of words. However, it had a nice folksy feeling to it, and your descriptions that extended the size of the poem were done pretty nicely. I'm not sure there's much need for me to post such a critique for your poems anymore, as you've proven yourself to be a capable writer, but I felt like it anyways. I think if you tried your hand at posting something similar to this in a condensed package it'd be a sight to behold, but as it is, and I seem to remember a fondness for writing long-winded poems from you, I'd definitely say there's value here. This is quite good.
#5
Thanks a lot, I don't know why that line break was that way, I kept reading it differently.

Made a few other changes according to what you say, corey, I agreed with most of your comments.

t's good to hear from you man.
#6
pretty good mate

although the first words of the actual post would make a good poem in itself

kudos...
#7
I think the first stanza should have connected with looking down at the sea. Without that, it felt disconnected from the rest of the piece.

I think the 'we' near the end is on the wrong line. With no comma beforehand it jogged me rather than made the flow freer.

I like this subject a lot and thought this was lovely.
There's only one thing we can do to thwart the plot of these albino shape-shifting lizard BITCHES!
#8
Quote by circular.parade
I tried to write something coherent
scrapped it
freewrote this.
help me.
edit is size.

------------------------
I like to travel on clouds, but not literally
This opens with a slight sense of humour that, after reading the rest of the piece three times, doesn't quite fit in my eyes. It's the "but not literally" that forces my mind into the wrong territory. Just a quick thought that maybe you didn't notice previously.
you like to travel in and out of
something hazy
I really like this sentence. Took a few reads to really enjoy, though, which to me is a good sign.
you could touch them if it wasn't for
the plane windows
The lack of punctuation and line breaks start to irritate me already. I know I shouldn't be concentrating on something as inconsequential as line breaks, but it does intercept the flow, even though it coincides with the ocean sensation.
I'd rather keep a distance
there's a beauty in the unknown
of wilderness
A nice line, just could be better with a little tarting.

I wish I was born a few centuries ago
I would have grown myself a sea man
no worries with the woman
even if there were, I'd ought to go
This is the ugly duckling of poetry. It has a neat cuteness and quaintness that is hampered by obscure and on-the-spot line breaks. Revision could really help this piece, even though I would usually not recommend doing it.

I'd salt the meat, I'd wash the deck
I'd have true mates, and a captain
and I'd write often as night approaches
under the oil lamp by the porthole
about stormy nights and great hard winds
the infinite in the backyard
moving up and closing in
the flicker of the wooden torches
then sudden whispers and the lulling
of comforting regular waves
the cracking of the wood
the flapping of the sails,
soft rain ; night.
This is nice writing. Flows well and is thoroughly descriptive. But I believe that's what actually makes it the least enjoyable section of the piece. It's too long. There is an overt sense of description. I found myself becoming succumbed to all your avenues, branching from the main theme - it allows the reader to create one too many altering connatations. I know that's maybe what you were aiming for, but it does make for difficult reading.

pop.

harder times, merrier folks
card games cigars and simple goals ;
keeping the cape straight on ahead
I wish I would have seen this world when
technology was
a hand drawn map,
I really do feel that the line breaks here need to be altered; it ruins this gorgeous verse.
cardinal points and a sextant
but today you're always around we
communicate through copper wires
and fly with iron wings

I wish I was born a sea man.


I quite enjoyed this. I thought it was going to be full of cliches (well, cliches to me) but it was still fresh, nicely emotional and relatable, but also creative and simple. The ideas I gathered from this were interesting and easily discovered. Something I felt I needed - my mind has been frazzled recently.

Digitally Clean
#9
Thanks Katherine. Regarding what you said with the first stanza, I kind of agree. I wanted to make a comparison here. based on the "you" that's present in the first and last stanza. as this built on, I decided to keep it subtle rather than obvious. like. Her up above. me down there at sea. perhaps that doesn't work... but I somehow like it like that. but yeah, thanks a lot for your time.

AngryGoldFish, thanks for the crit I guess, but I found myself with two questions.

I agree that some line breaks can come off as weird. In nearly any stanza. In fact, in every stanza, but in stanza two. These are conventional line breaks like

idea
idea
idea
continuation of idea3.

how differently would you break it? I really am curious.
I also am regarding what you said with clichés. Why did you expect this to be full of "clichés to you". Don't worry I'm far from offended, but I just don't get it .

I didn't think the story would be that hard to follow (the stanza you complained about being too long). I mean. To me, it's obvious, maybe if you'd give it the once over? I mean... anyway. Oh and also, there's no humor in the first line??? I mean it like that.

I don't want this to sound like a rebuttal of your critique, but in order for me to gather constructive criticism, I have to understand what you mean.


thanks again.
#10
Stanza two has got your standard line breaks, yeah you are right, I must of said that wrong. But, I don't think the way it's laid out is suited best to the flow. To be honest, though, I reckon it's the lack of punctuation that forces those thoughts on me. I'm just ranting here. This piece is one of those where I don't quite know what it is that is dragging it down slightly, so I just spit out the most seemless reasons, just something to say and something to calm my head down.

When I say cliches, I just think that the the ocean has been utilized so many times that reading anymore of it will put me into a negative space. And before I began going through the piece, I had it in my head that this was going to be another metaphorical analogy of a comparison - I was being negative, of course - but it wasn't that. The metaphors were spaced out neatly and it wasn't filled with literary devices; which I have gone off quite a bit.

The story is easy to follow - I may of explained that wrong, as well - it's the length that didn't do me any favours when reading it; it all felt like repetition for the sake of repetition.

The humour was what I got out of it. Whether you intended that is irrelevant to me as a reader.
Don't you see the funny side to that first line - I think it's laugh out loud worthy.

Sorry about my mistakes.