#1
Well I was planning on posting something soon. I was hoping it was gonna be something a little bit more... well I dunno. This is what I've got

Actual crits are welcome. This is writing even if I'm embarassed by it. And I'm especially unsure of the second section, by the way, so opinions are welcome and all that.

He was just a kid. Younger than everyone else but just as cool and just as real. http://www.myspace.com/charleystunkard sorry for making this like a memorial or something. I'm not trying to. I'm just doing whatever right now. I'm not tight with him but we were friends. I'm not tight with many of his close friends but I wish I could be there for them some how.



Nothing but love for everyone in this.

And don't worry about me. I'm fine. This is about him, her, her and everyone else but me. This is heartless. This is disgusting.


Presipitayshun


/

Every siren is louder now.
Every light is brighter now.
There's no cymbal in this. Just fear.
I think I'm scared but I don't know for sure.

There were so many emergency lights up in front.
"Oh shit, hope no one's dead."
"Can we make the turn?"
"Yeah go ahead."
Strobe stairways and ice crystal ghosts whispers
but I don't want to strain to hear
so I don't don't won't unless it's
herherher
It's weird how the world stops when you know the person. This happens on the news all the time. This happens for real all the time too. This was hardly even on the news. I guess some stuff just doesn't make it into the history books. I'd guess that's why we have emotions if I had to guess.
but I don't
so I won't won't won't unless it's
herherher

"You wanna go seee it? I've always wanted to see an accident for real. Come on Jimmyyyy."
"I don't know, I don't wanna ditch everyone else and they don't wanna go."
"Ok."
(you're not her. I only love you. I can't explain what I do to her but sometimes I'm scared that it's not too much.)

/

1.2.3.1.2.3.1.2.3.1.2.3.
if i was
looking out
on a beach
But without
God and you
tell me that
back somewhere
I forgot
and I'll be
where I thought
you'd never
want me at
sun rise up
sun rise set
sun rise up
sun rise set
1.2.3.1.2.3.1.2.3.1.


/

"Two people died in that accident we saw."
"Oh God that just get's you
d
o
w
n."

Missed the turn but we got there in time.
Eatin' Park Strawberry soaked waffles tasted good but felt sick later. A friend met us there to talk about her boyfriend and how he made her sick
sometimes.

/

Throwing 'Dixie Cwistles' across the booth trying to get her attention.
I almost danced for the same reason
Throwing pixie dust, hoping to make up for not showing affection.
I knew what would happen next.
I almost slept but the birds and the bees and
other cliche things
confuse me beyond belief.
So I accept. So then I slept.
On the floor
2 hours later
nothing more for winter will hate us [like you said]
if we stay inside too long
or sit and cry too long
or wait in line too long

It isn't that I hate wearing warm clothes. I already just can't wait to not.
Because now I know from experience that winter is too Goddamned long

/

Somewhere along the line I found out for sure it was Charley. I hoped I was wrong and I'd see you like an ice crystal ghost and I'd hug you for the first time instead of wishing I had for the last time.

We were never best friends or even that close [we had different styles, ya know?]
but that night we were this close. Closer than ever before. I mean, we were right there within minutes, maybe seconds. Supposedly we were the first to see it. We were like the emergency vehicle of fuck-ups without addictions and without depression and with good futures and with love hiding in our hearts. But that's where we fucked-up.
You were this close.

I can't stop dreaming about getting close to her and oh so sadly only her
but you would have done fine if I would've taken the time to-
two
too

who, who, who.

Charley,
There's a little cross and some words for you on the side of Route 19. I'd write something there but it wouldn't be complete so I'll leave it up in the air. The traffic is still flying by, but there's a light snow hanging in the sky. It's not quite cold enough down here but I think the clouds know you loved the snow. Someone said it would for you. If I could for you, I'd change something down here for you. And maybe you can change something from up there for herherher just for memedon'tdoitme.

I sicken myself like strawberry waffles with too much whipped cream on any other friday night.
Anatomy Anatomy
Whale Blue Review

Park that car
Drop that phone
Sleep on the floor
Dream about me
Last edited by jiminizzle at Dec 3, 2008,
#2
I can't believe I'm the first person that's replying to this -- but I thought this was flat out outstanding. There's something about tragedy that brings out the better sides of all of us and I think it brought out the best of you here.

I realize that you want opinions, but I don't think I have the right to criticize what you've presented here. It's beautiful.

I'd like to once again extend my condolences.

"I guess some stuff just doesn't make it into the history books." Perfect sentiment here.

"It's not that I hate wearing warm clothes. I already just can't wait to not.
Because now I know from experience that winter is too Goddamned long"

Perfect.

"We were never best friends or even that close [we had different styles, ya know?]
but that night we were this close. Closer than ever before. I mean, we were right there within minutes, maybe seconds. Supposedly we were the first to see it. We were like the emergency vehicle of ****-ups without addictions and without depression and with good futures and with love hiding in our hearts."

Absolutely ****ing perfect.

I love it. Thank you for letting me read this.
#3
This was a fantastic piece. Such a strange, eclectic form certainly fits the mix of emotions that comes with an event like that. We were like the emergency vehicle of ****-ups ... That's creative writing at its finest. Welcome to similes101, lectures by doctor Jiminizzle.
#5
I agree with SilenceEvolves (I really should start learning names around here) that tragedy brings out the best writing. There isn't a whole lot of great literature (prose or poetry) that was born out of pure joy. But (and before I get to the "but" I'd like to say what you've written is absolutely wonderful, there were so many parts that I truly enjoyed reading, and don't let this praise be undermined by the "but"), I also think that tragedy engenders unrestrained emotion in writing. Though it may be unrestrained, it doesn't always translate well onto paper. There are parts that seemed weak, despite the sincerity and gravity of the subject matter, and I think that may be because the tragedy is so great, that some of this wonderful writing suffers. Tragedy...interferes with the process of editing, maybe.

Example 1:

Charley,
There's a little cross and some words for you on the side of Route 19. I'd write something there but it wouldn't be complete so I'll leave it up in the air. The traffic is still flying by, but there's a light snow hanging in the sky. It's not quite cold enough down here but I think the clouds know you loved the snow. Someone said it would for you. If I could for you, I'd change something down here for you. And maybe you can change something from up there for herherher just for memedon'tdoitme.
Loved the bold part. Immediately after, the transition ruins it for me. "Someone said it would for you" doesn't say much in terms of the piece. Or at least I didn't get it.

Example 2:

"It's not that I hate wearing warm clothes. I already just can't wait to not.
Because now I know from experience that winter is too Goddamned long"

The second sentence doesn't really follow a parallel structure with the first. Maybe parallel structure are the wrong words, but I mean you can't put "wearing warm clothes" into the second sentence and have it be grammatically correct. You'd have to change wearing to wear. That inconsistency bothered me. The repetition of the world not bugged me too. I think the whole thing would be fixed if you changed it to "I already just can't wait to stop." because it would abandon that attempt at parallel structure.

I guess I'm being really pedantic, but believe me I enjoyed the piece more than the small things I'd edit took away from it. Extremely good piece.
#6
Quote by SilenceEvolves
outstanding


This. You let everyone feel the emotion, thanks muchly for posting.
There's only one thing we can do to thwart the plot of these albino shape-shifting lizard BITCHES!
#7
Thanks a lot corey. Your words mean a lot.
Bob: thank you sir
nick: <3
carmel:
Dorkus: Thank you so much. I get all of your points. I'll think about some of the stuff you said. As for the two examples, "someone said it would for you" was because yesterday I went on facebook (which is something I never really got into using) but I wanted to see what was going on. In the RIP Charley group one of his best friends and his old girlfriend said "It'll snow tonight for you. you loved the snow." or something like that. But you're right. I'll think about that.
The second example you have a good point too. Maybe if I said "It isn't that I hate wearing warm clothes but I already can't wait to not."
I really appreciate your help. I think you are right about the editing thing. Maybe I will in time.

Thanks everyone, I'll try to check out your guys latests soon.
Anatomy Anatomy
Whale Blue Review

Park that car
Drop that phone
Sleep on the floor
Dream about me
#8
The way this is paced is so good. There were sections of simplicity - just emotions laid out here and there - and then there were sudden lashings of intense creativity, then calming down with a litter of clever, intuitive techniques. It would then return to blistering sadness, complimented by a slice of humanity inside the cuddled warmth of everyday pleasures. It all just ran into everything with perfect and effective discretion.
I have to admit that there were certain sections that I missed the importance of, but I do seriously plan on Bookmarking this and returning to - it deserves it. After all, my reading of this is about the best compliment you can ever receive...

As Katherine said, thank you very much for posting this.
#9
I can't add anything else to what anyone has said, I just wanted to see that I loved this and felt it. Well done