#1
I just wrote this in about 10-15 minutes...Tell me what you all think.
I'll definitley critique anything of yours as well.

Darkened Inside

Verse 1-
I can't be happy, I can't be sad.
I'd give anything, to be a little glad.
I can't be right, I can't be wrong.
This hasn't killed me, but hasn't made me strong.

Verse 2-
This can't be over, this can't be through
This can't be the end, it doesn't seem true.
You can't be dark, you can't be cold.
You can't do this to me, make me feel sold

Bridge-
I can't feel...
My life you steal...

Chorus-
You've left a mark, inside my mind
It's killing me now, destroying inside.
I can't feel anything now...
You took me in, then you tossed me aside.
Now you say, you didn't enjoy the ride.
And I don't see how, you can leave me now
Darkened inside.

Verse 3-
I cannot live, I cannot die
But do you blame me when I try?
I cannot say, I cannot think
This whole thing, it's pushed me to the brink.

Bridge-
I can't feel...
My life you steal.

Chorus-
You've left a mark, inside my mind
It's killing me now, destroying inside.
I can't feel anything now...
You took me in, then you tossed me aside.
Now you say, you didn't enjoy the ride.
And I don't see how, you can leave me now
Darkened inside.

Interlude-
I promised you, I'd never give up your time
I promised you, I'd always be by your side
I gave you my heart...
And you ripped it apart.

<solo>

Chorus-
You've left a mark, inside my mind
It's killing me now, destroying inside.
I can't feel anything now...
You took me in, then you tossed me aside.
Now you say, you didn't enjoy the ride.
And I don't see how, you can leave me now
Darkened inside.


And that's pretty much it...Thanks for your time.
Seattle Seahawks


Quote by chookiecookie
i feel like you have an obsession with aubrey plaza.


Quote by WCPhils
at least we can all agree SGstriker is the woooooooooooooooooooooorst
#2
As I say to everyone, and its probably my fault for seeing it, a tiny bit cliche, but actually a lot less than most. Like the repetition, that works nicely. Finally someone with a clearly organized structure and rhyme scheme!
Funny thing is, this could be anywhere from greenday to sabbath to NIN...
EDIT: Last line of first stanza is a bit lengthy and unweildy. See if you can try out "didn't" or "nor"
Last edited by Prisoner5 at Nov 16, 2008,
#3
Quote by Prisoner5
As I say to everyone, and its probably my fault for seeing it, a tiny bit cliche, but actually a lot less than most. Like the repetition, that works nicely. Finally someone with a clearly organized structure and rhyme scheme!
Funny thing is, this could be anywhere from greenday to sabbath to NIN...
EDIT: Last line of first stanza is a bit lengthy and unweildy. See if you can try out "didn't" or "nor"



Thanks for the crit.
Yeah, most of what I write is a little cliche...but it's what I feel, so I guess I can't really help it.
I'll try and re-work that last line of the first stanza. It is kind of an awkward flow.
Seattle Seahawks


Quote by chookiecookie
i feel like you have an obsession with aubrey plaza.


Quote by WCPhils
at least we can all agree SGstriker is the woooooooooooooooooooooorst
#4
Quote by Prisoner5
As I say to everyone, and its probably my fault for seeing it, a tiny bit cliche, but actually a lot less than most. Like the repetition, that works nicely. Finally someone with a clearly organized structure and rhyme scheme!
Funny thing is, this could be anywhere from greenday to sabbath to NIN...
EDIT: Last line of first stanza is a bit lengthy and unweildy. See if you can try out "didn't" or "nor"


^This.

I liked it, and it could become anything. I personally hear a heavier song when I say it out loud, and hope I get to hear it soon. A lot of people can relate to it, which strengthens it considerably.

Thanks for the crit by the way. You might look over my song again, I fixed the comma issue.
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Last edited by Butthead at Nov 17, 2008,
#5
Quote by Butthead
^This.

I liked it, and it could become anything. I personally hear a heavier song when I say it out loud, hope I get to hear it soon.

Thanks for the crit by the way.


Yeah. It's going to be a bit heavier.
I think what I'm aiming for is a faster part in the verse, and then, go into a half-time sort of feel for the chorus, if that makes sense. Thanks for the cirt.
Seattle Seahawks


Quote by chookiecookie
i feel like you have an obsession with aubrey plaza.


Quote by WCPhils
at least we can all agree SGstriker is the woooooooooooooooooooooorst
#6
Made an edit to my last post after I reread it, and I like it more every time I reread it. Good job man.
I AM MASTER OF JIGGLYPUFF.

Current Gear:
Gibson Boneyard with Bigsby
Gibson 93' Explorer W/Nailbombs
G&L 93' Legacy W/Noiseless
Gibson 95' Doublecut W/Angus Bridge

Mesa Stiletto Trident
Bogner Shiva
Mesa 2x12 & 4x12 Cabs