#1
"I talked to God today,
it was kind of quiet.
But I got the feeling from the silence,
that everything is going to be ok."

she slapped me and said
dont mock our sovereign God.

the real irony here
is that the only person being mocked is me.
Last edited by bluesybilly at Nov 17, 2008,
#2
this was beautiful in its simplicity. You took an idea, and you presented it straight forward, without any unnecessary window dressing or lengthy metaphors. This appealed to me alot. My only comment is maybe put "YOUR sovereign God" instead of "a sovereign God". "a" just sounds weak and is too passive for this piece in my opinion.
#3
There's a road that leads to the end of all suffering. You should take it.


- Jericho Caine


secret, aaaaagent maaan.
secret, aaaaagent maaan.
#4
I agree with what kdownes said about "a sovereign God" sounding out of place. considering the girl in the story "loves" her god enough to slap you for questioning him, I'd think she'd use something stronger than "a" there -- maybe "the", "my", "your", "our". maybe even something other than "sovereign God" altogether.

personal preference but I hate reading "ok", I think it's better as "okay".

also I don't think there needs to be three line breaks in the last stanza there. starting a line with "is" is shaky to begin with, doing it twice felt really bad to me.

however, despite what you may think at this point, I loved this. simple, straightforward but still meaningful.
#5
We'll mock our sovereign God all we want.
マリ「しあわっせはーあるいってこないだーからあるいってゆっくんだねーん 
いっちにっちいっぽみーかでさんぽ
 さーんぽすすんでにっほさっがるー 
じーんせいはっわんつー!ぱんち・・・


"Success is as dangerous as failure. Hope is as hollow as fear." - from Tao Te Ching

#6
I didn't quite get the jump from first stanza to second. Still, the thought (to me) represents the generalized hypocrisy by some religeous people, and doesn't really need to be all that specific.

Each stanza was very different, yet they all tied together very well.

I can't help it. The more I read this, the more I love its simplicity.
#7
To be honest, I think the first verse is the only bit that I actually like. If this really is a dig at religion, I don't really like it that much. It's okay, certainly, it's just so overly done, to me anyway.

When I read your first verse, I noticed so much ambiguity and sadness. It was quietly thoughtful and slightly absent, but then it changed by turning into something ironic and angry. Which is good, just not what I was hoping this to be.

I don't really quite know what to say that fully displays my thoughts, but something about this put me off it. I didn't enjoy it, although you accomplished the task with superb anger and discretion

Digitally Clean
#8
I (respectfully) disagree with Dan, regarding the "overdone" comment. The religeous remarks were all surrounding the character, rather than the hypocrites. Its rare that I see the focus be places entirely on the one suffering like that. That's just my opinion, though.

EDIT: In fact, I think that's what I like about this, that it actually focuses on someone suffering from it.
Last edited by Ninjamonkey767 at Nov 17, 2008,
#9
I see what you are saying, I kinda thought someone would disagree with me.

Maybe I'm just not in the mood for something like this, or didn't connect with it in the way other people did. Ignore what I said at your will.