#1
“Some people make me want to be more beautiful.
Some of them are beautiful,
some of them aren’t.”
That distinction was moot.
I agreed with her, but not verbally.
Some people just aren’t happy with themselves,
I may be one of them.
My pens and papers are sterile,
they are not beautiful.

Hope makes me want to be more beautiful.
She is a person,
not an abstract noun.
The distinction is important.
She poured her water
from her Styrofoam cup
into a black plastic bowl
that resembled her bob hair cut.
She tried to pour it
back into the cup,
but some of it spilled
and took the shape of the floor.
Some water landed on her vegan shoes.
The shoes were expensive and cute,
but she cared about the animals, too.

Hope said she made out with three men at the Dead Leaf Lake,
where I write sometimes.
It didn’t matter what she did
she was still demure.
She was trying to be more beautiful.
I asked her if she wanted to hear
the poem I was writing just then.
She laughed and said “Of course”
I began to read:

The brain is 80% water
Liquids have a fixed volume
But not a fixed shape
Shape is unimportant.
We should judge in volume
In substance


She said, “Perfect.
Substance over subject.
Love the substance. Love it loud!
At the top of your lungs!
That's beautiful.
I’m thirsty now.”
I didn’t explain the difference
between volume and audibility
She understood,
so the distinction was moot.

Hope poured more water
from cup to bowl,
and from bowl to cup and floor,
some water lost to the ground
again and forever.
Neither of us could enjoy
the beauty of the water
unless it was suspended
in space, shapeless.

I didn’t want to be more beautiful.
I decided I wanted to be shapeless.
Last edited by DorkusMalorkus at Nov 17, 2008,
#2
It's probably intentional, but this longs for more delicate punctuation.
Other than that and the fact that I think capitalisation on the first word of every line did more damage than good here, I really enjoyed this. Everything here bloody wonderful.
There's only one thing we can do to thwart the plot of these albino shape-shifting lizard BITCHES!
#3
I honestly don't even think of that (the capitalization, mostly). Maybe I'm not...as well educated when it comes to the techniques of poetry. The capitalization was something that just happened because when I entered it to my word processor it just capitalized the beginning lines.

But someone tell me, are there...rules, guidelines, whatever for that sort of thing? Does it really affect your reading of it? I've never really had punctuation interfere with the poetry that I read. I hardly notice it.
#4
Punctuation doesn't interfere with the way I read a piece unless it's lacking. Rightly, it should go unnoticed because it pairs itself with the words perfectly. Capitalisation just puts a form on piece that I don't, in some cases, think is fitting.
There's only one thing we can do to thwart the plot of these albino shape-shifting lizard BITCHES!
#6
this is my first post inside here, i have been lurking for a few days, and i had intended to lurk for a bit longer before posting, but you're piece really stood out to me.

When i first read it, the first few stanzas i couldnt really get into, but i became more.. engrossed by it, the further i read, and the last stanza

I didn’t want to be more beautiful.
I decided I wanted to be shapeless.


to me had some really strong sense of sort of hidden power or emotion, that made me want to read again and again. Then the more i read, the more i seemed to understand...

to paraphrase, that was amazing!
#7
Finally! Well done, as of now I have no complaints with this piece. I'll probably give it a few more reads later then come back and post a full crit. However, at this moment, I love it
#8
"Hope makes me want to be more beautiful.
She is a person,
not an abstract noun."

loved it.

"The shoes we’re expensive and cute,"

should be "were".

"Hope said she made out with three men at the Dead Leaf Lake,"

cool line, I don't think there should be a "the" before "Dead Leaf Lake" though.

I enjoyed this quite a bit. The recurring symbolism with the water, the contrast between beauty and shapelessness, the discussion of abstract ideas -- I thought it was all done extremely well. It was intriguing, erudite and nothing short of beautiful. Loved it, sincerely.
#9
There's only one thing we can do to thwart the plot of these albino shape-shifting lizard BITCHES!
#11
being shapeless is fun. this has all the mystery of void as well as the fear of military superiority. ANyway, i think your main problem here is one of... substance. I think you need to condense a little bit. I think there's lines you don't need, lines that distract from you lines that are REALLY good. And I mean really good. Some poems have one or two lines that stick out, this one had more by far. I would point them out but I'm pretty sure you know which ones they are. So maybe you decide there are words you do not need, maybe you decide they are necessary, either way, this is good. I liked the ending too, it had slightly heavy finality, but it wasn't too abrupt. Good work..
what comes up comes out
#12
This is the kinda piece I wanna read on here.
Something pure and simple and touching.
I'd like to see this as WotW over any of the english-wankage pieces that normally gets it.
no offense to anyone. i'm referring to myself as well.
O! music: Click (Youtube)


^ Click to see an acoustic arrangement of Ke$ha's 'Your Love is my Drug' - everyone's favourite song.
#13
I hated the word moot. maybe it's just me but both times it appeared I felt let down. It's just an ugly word.
I don't know if i'd say the choppiness of the line breakshurt but I didn't think it fit. I usually like to see short lines like this in lighter flowing pieces and I think it made this one lumber a bit.


overall I really like this one. It had a great tone and some spectacular lines. The ideas just kind of ran over eachother in my eyes. Maybe it's just me though. This was a beautiful piece.

I'm being cut off because I have to go. Maybe I'll be back later with more nitpicking but I don't think I have anything else constructive to say.

Anatomy Anatomy
Whale Blue Review

Park that car
Drop that phone
Sleep on the floor
Dream about me