#1
Ink Vomit

Soft chairs guide misshaped bones,
contoured to fit the
firm and unreasonable.
The floor is painted poorly,
not by decorators
but by me.

A stunned therapist reads
out the remaining time
with clear discretion,
siphoning through the
patchwork paleography,
constantly heeding the
history as she goes,
her eyebrows raised
to each overdosed word
projected forwards.
A pool gathers underneath my feet
- an annual occasion for
drinking and having a downright terrible time -
and I notice the smell:
a pungent perfume you'd wear to tease.

She pats my back politely.
I groan again as another pathetically falls
into those that I hate.


I look up and her
mouth starts to move:

“You know,
Ciara's not going to be the only one to make you put pen to paper?
Theres going to be a hell of a lot more.”

I vomit again.


Digitally Clean
Last edited by AngryGoldfish at Nov 17, 2008,
#2
I like it. S'all I got.
マリ「しあわっせはーあるいってこないだーからあるいってゆっくんだねーん 
いっちにっちいっぽみーかでさんぽ
 さーんぽすすんでにっほさっがるー 
じーんせいはっわんつー!ぱんち・・・


"Success is as dangerous as failure. Hope is as hollow as fear." - from Tao Te Ching

#5
i see a fire underneath your pen, but something generic keeps dimming it down.

i can't put a finger on it.
There's a road that leads to the end of all suffering. You should take it.


- Jericho Caine


secret, aaaaagent maaan.
secret, aaaaagent maaan.
#6
^ yeah, I agree, it's been bothering me too. This is perfect, and incredibly powerful, and I loved every second of it, but it just seemed to be lacking...something. Give me today to ponder on this, Goldfish, and then I'll let you know. Welll done, though. First piece of yours I connected with and understood straight away, and very, very powerful.
#7
Cheers, lads. Keep pondering on what it is that I'm missing because I do feel something is not allowing me to take my writing to a next level, although, like you I have no idea what it may be.
#8
What them two said. I'll think about it, m'dear.
There's only one thing we can do to thwart the plot of these albino shape-shifting lizard BITCHES!
#9
I keep coming back to the structure. Something about the form, or the structure, bothers me. Also, the progression of events, maybe. I need to think some more, just wnated to say that.
#10
I'll say this: I did not like any of the line breaks. And now, to critique.

Soft chairs guide misshaped
bones, contoured
I didn't like "misshaped". The prefix "mis" has a sense of mistake about, something that is not intentional, like "misunderstood", "miscalculated"... I didn't think that feeling was right for this piece. I think a sense of intent behind the notion would have worked better.
to fit the firm and
unreasonable.
Line break made me cringe. I liked the alliteration a lot though, and it could have been continued a bit more, or rather used more throughout the piece.
Floors painted poorly, not
by decorators but by me.
I have to say, and I will at the end of this, that the content was very interesting. I really thought that the structure hurt it though.
A stunned therapist reads
on with clear discretion,
each time, siphoning
through the patchwork
paleography, constantly
heeding the history as she goes,
her eyebrows raised to each
overdosed word projected forwards.
Notice I'm looking at all these lines together. That's because you've made them one sentence, awkwardly breaking the lines. This just doesn't work for me as a reader. There's no coherent meaning for me because everything is too broken down.
A pool gathers
underneath my feet
- an annual occasion for
drinking and having a downright terrible time -.
You've done a little better, though I think the line breaks were just subbed for awkwardly placed hyphens. You might want to put a piece down after you've written it, walk away and come back half an hour later to read it again and see if the line breaks and punctuation still suits you.
and I notice the smell:
a pungent perfume
you'd wear to tease.
She pats my back politely.
I groan again,
inditing another
soul to my
'list of hated.'
Much better.

I look up.
her mouth starts to move:
This was ok.


“You know,
she's not going to be the
only one to
make you put pen to paper?
Theres going to be a hell
of a lot more.”
When I write someone speaking, I cut the lines when there are likely to be pauses, elongated words, a breathe. This was again, very uncomfortable to read.


I vomit again
I don't like the lack of punctuation on this. You used more than enough in the rest of the piece and leaving this bare felt wrong. It was a good exit line though.

So, content wise, I did find this interesting and a good read. I thought you had a scene in your mind and you managed to convey it in a unique way that worked well for the underline emotion and ideas you were going for. Well done for that. The structure and technique are bellow par for me. I thought you were overly trying to make this something it's not, cutting it down in all the wrong places. I liked it in the sense it related to the misshaped bones, and I thought it was a clever idea to exercise this on your lines (if this is what you meant to do), but the piece lacked the elegance (in structure, not content) to pull it off.

Hope I helped.
This is not a pipe
#11
Hello Dan. Thanks again for your time on mine.

I'll try and be as constructive as possible. Let me start of clearly : I didn't like that. Now, let's build on.

I'll echo Carmel about line breaks. Like, ew. Seriously dude, what in Heavens? You just can't have a comma before the last word of a line! It just ruins any form of flow. And you do it 4 times in the first 12 lines! I assume that perhaps you wanted to express the feeling of disorder through the structure, but done as it is here, it just keeps the writer from progressing through the piece.

now I have many more questions.
Story-wise, in the first stanza, we are in the therapist's office. Am I right? Right? So in the second stanza, "her" lips are the therapist's? So why in stanza three is she talking about herself in the third person?! If she ain't...well, you can't introduce a "she" like that without giving any further clue of who that person is...

Now. On about content. I wasn't bothered too much up to "you'd wear to tease". I mean, the hatred was there, it painted the whole piece black but nothing aggressive. Actually, reading back, it was pretty damn well conveyed. Then, the "I" comes on stage and ruins everything. That teeny-angsty underdeveloped narrator, that seems to want to draw pity from the reader comes in and ruins the piece by crying out how miserable he is. "I groan again, inditing another soul to my 'list of hated.'"?? No, like. No. just. please. I seriously hated you a few seconds for ruining a good stanza with that! That here, might be just what kent (ottoavist) had been talking in his previous comment.

You already know what I hate about the ending. If I were the author of this, I'd end the piece just before the "I" comes onto scenery. Or maybe, with "she pats my back politely". Or , that would set the scenery for a potentially great ending. There's a lot of ways you could make this a very good piece (in my eyes, keep in mind) without much efforts, but as it is now, the resolution towards which you worked and around which you developed, the title, well, many many things made me hate it.

I see great potential in your writing, I mean, as for what I like to lay my eyes on as a reader. I guess I just don't connect with what you are trying to achieve with it.

I know this was harsh. Keep in mind that my opinion is worth about as much as anyone else's. Keep doing what you like, that's the essence.

mat
#12
Thanks very much Mat and Carmel, I understand what you are saying. If you can, could you tell me what you think of the newer version, please? Little has been changed, I know but I still think it could be improved, so any help could still be useful.

*Bump for revision.*
#13
Quote by AngryGoldfish
Ink Vomit

Soft chairs guide misshaped bones,
contoured to fit the
firm and unreasonable.
The floor is painted poorly,
not by decorators
but by me.

A stunned therapist reads
out the remaining time with
clear discretion, each time,
siphoning through the
patchwork paleography,
constantly heeding the
history as she goes,
her eyebrows raised to each
overdosed word projected forwards.
A pool gathers underneath my feet
- an annual occasion for
drinking and having a downright terrible time -.
and I notice the smell:
a pungent perfume you'd wear to tease.

She pats my back politely.
I groan again as another childishly
falls into those that I hate.


I look up and her
mouth starts to move:

“You know,
she's not going to be the only one to make you put pen to paper?
Theres going to be a hell of a lot more.”

I vomit again.


Digitally Clean


Just a few things, Dan. I much prefer this now that it's not centered.

Now, ahh, why is the therapist "stunned"? That's my first question.

Second, I think you need to get rid of "each time". It just seems to disrupt the flow and isn't really needed.

Third, don't put a comma after your dash think that's just a typo

Fourth, I think you need to put "falls" up next to "Childishly". And I think you need another word apart from "chidishly". It seems, well, childish

Now, that part in the quotation marks, that's your thought processes isn't it, not what she is saying? Because if it is what the therapist is saying, who the hell is "she"? Y'know?

I still really enjoyed this, just some nitpicking and general comments. Hope I helped a bit
#14
Quote by AngryGoldfish
Ink Vomit

Soft chairs guide misshaped bones,
contoured to fit the
firm and unreasonable.
nice
The floor is painted poorly,
not by decorators
but by me.

A stunned therapist reads
out the remaining time
with clear discretion,
siphoning through the
patchwork paleography,
constantly heeding the
history as she goes,
her eyebrows raised to each
overdosed word projected forwards.
i think it flows a little better if you put 'overdosed word' in the preceding line. giving it the end of the line makes it more impacting, and makes 'projecting forward' that much more definite
A pool gathers underneath my feet
- an annual occasion for
drinking and having a downright terrible time -
and I notice the smell:
a pungent perfume you'd wear to tease.

She pats my back politely.
I groan again as another pathetically falls
into those that I hate.
not sure i get the third line here...


I look up and her
mouth starts to move:

“You know,
Ciara's not going to be the only one to make you put pen to paper?
Theres going to be a hell of a lot more.”

I vomit again.
excellent ending


Digitally Clean



overall this is a wonderful piece. very strong. right now ide give it an 8/10

c4c?
https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=999460
#15
The therapist is stunned because I'm reinforcing the word vomit I am spewing out, trying to emphasise the ridiculous and over-the-top picture I tried to create.

"She" is someone I wanted to mention once, and only once; a teaser so to speak as it's not really about her at all. If I mentioned more of her, the piece would of distracted itself and followed the wrong path.

Thanks, Kyle.
#16
ahh, yes that makes sense. This is a great piece, Dan, one of your best. (if i got your name wrong you have permission to hurt me )