#1
First Glance

You were as soft as a winter fur coat,
I was as strange as a cat on a boat.
When you walked away I had an empty feeling inside,
But that went away along with the tide.

Is it as hard for you as it is for me?
Are there answers beyond what we can see?
Both of our kites tangled up by chance,
What were the odds that I saw your first glance?

Quite honestly, I didn't know where I was going with this. But suggestions and critism are extremely welcome.
#2
Wow
the rhyming was really good, the metaphors continued through out
but it felt short, which is good
because it left me wanting for more.

i would add to it, if possible
great job


crit mine?
https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1001381
Call me Sean
Quote by Nilpferdkoenig
He's just trying to protect our innocence.


Yes i am
Quote by :Vicious--

Your flirting powers are incredible.



Gear:
Schecter S1 Elite Black Cherry (Soapbar Neck, Invader Bridge)
Schecter Banshee
Orange Dual Terror
Boss CE-5
Goatkeeper
#4
Maybe you could head into how it seemed to end?
Call me Sean
Quote by Nilpferdkoenig
He's just trying to protect our innocence.


Yes i am
Quote by :Vicious--

Your flirting powers are incredible.



Gear:
Schecter S1 Elite Black Cherry (Soapbar Neck, Invader Bridge)
Schecter Banshee
Orange Dual Terror
Boss CE-5
Goatkeeper
#5
the second line struck me as being very unnecessary. seemed like it was crowbarred in.

i think this definately needs more to it to tie it all together. at the moment it just seems like bag of loose ideas and empty similes.
--------------------i'm definitely the alphaest male here--------------------