#1
Hey guys, I've got an O.T.S I'd like opinions on. I found it in a notebook and I can't make up my mind if I like it or not. It's not my best work for sure, but it may (or may not) have potential. I also think it's a little short, but I'm at a loss of where to go with it. Thanks guys, leave a link.


Last Thing:

Verse 1
Sun goes down...done
I've finally come around...none
And if you're the last thing I see I'll be grateful
Pardon this to me, this window

I walk out...gone
I stay here...gone

Forgetting all the times we've made through
Knowing this now, I miss you

Chorus
Been off away for what seems like a lover's year
But we know the whole time, I've been right here
Cross the door and bar the back ways
For we know for both, matter of days

Bridge into second chorus
Love's come and...served
Love's come you...deserved

Verse 2
There's always more that you can have from me
Give in return, the grace of your company
If you're the last thing I see, I'm grateful
My mind's suffering, this memorial

Of what we once had to give

Repeat Chorus


P.S. First time posting in this sub-forum, let me know if I accidentaly slipped up on the rules.
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Last edited by Butthead at Nov 17, 2008,
#2
Hmm...Well, It has a lot of potential.
It is, like you said, a little short, but you could probably add to it.
I particularly liked this line:
"There's always more that you can have from me
Give in return, the grace of your company"

The one thing that I don't quite get is the first stanza, with the words after the commas...I don't see how that would, flow, I guess.

Not bad though overall.

Could you crit mine, if it's not too much trouble?

Edit:
https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1000736
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#3
There's a slight gap where the commas are in the first two lines, I'll make it a bit easier to read. Thanks man, I'll crit yours soon.

Edit: Replaced the commas with periods, makes it a little easier to read.
I AM MASTER OF JIGGLYPUFF.

Current Gear:
Gibson Boneyard with Bigsby
Gibson 93' Explorer W/Nailbombs
G&L 93' Legacy W/Noiseless
Gibson 95' Doublecut W/Angus Bridge

Mesa Stiletto Trident
Bogner Shiva
Mesa 2x12 & 4x12 Cabs
Last edited by Butthead at Nov 17, 2008,
#4
Quote by Butthead
There's a slight gap where the commas are in the first two lines, I'll make it a bit easier to read. Thanks man, I'll crit yours soon.

Edit: Replaced the commas with periods, makes it a little easier to read.



Ah yes. I can see the flow of things much better now. That really helped.

I think it has quite a bit of potential. Maybe it could be a little longer? But it's your song, so go with what you want.
Seattle Seahawks


Quote by chookiecookie
i feel like you have an obsession with aubrey plaza.


Quote by WCPhils
at least we can all agree SGstriker is the woooooooooooooooooooooorst
#5
The more I look at it, I think just an acoustic and a vocal will do it. Minimal lyrics, but a decent amount of guitar work. I think a minimalist approach would be god for it, make it dark and melancholy. Feel free to throw ideas out there for the musical aspect of it.
I AM MASTER OF JIGGLYPUFF.

Current Gear:
Gibson Boneyard with Bigsby
Gibson 93' Explorer W/Nailbombs
G&L 93' Legacy W/Noiseless
Gibson 95' Doublecut W/Angus Bridge

Mesa Stiletto Trident
Bogner Shiva
Mesa 2x12 & 4x12 Cabs
#6
I really liked the first stanza, partly because I sort of imagined the band, or vocalist, singing (almost shouting) the last words "done" and "none." And then after those lines it kicks into a rhythm with those last two lines in that stanza, then goes to the same format the next stanzas.

Very catchy indeed.

I kind of have trouble with these two lines and their flow :
"If you're the last thing I see, I'm grateful
My mind's suffering, this memorial"

My suggestion would be add two more syllables on the last line, but then again I don't know the rhythm to your song, so for all I know it could work perfectly with you.

Very good song, I'd love to hear a recording of it. Cheers!
#7
These were the lines I liked in particular...

"Sun goes down...done/I've finally come around...none"
"Love's come and...served/Love's come you...deserved"

I think those were the best part of the song. Other than that it seemed average. I mean, nothing really stuck out to me.

If you could crit some of mine, they're in my sig.
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MY SONGS:
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