#1
What's up S&L. I'm back. Missed you all.

I've never really written for theatre before but I just jumped in and came up with this. I like the effect of the sudden ending I have now, but I don't intend to keep it that way. The reason for this is that B is much more than a blank character for A to bounce his theories off. She is fully real, but I haven't got around to realizing her yet, so for now it ends before she gets to speak her piece. Any suggestions for where to take the ending from here are welcome.

Specific criticisms--either down to the individual line that strikes you as poorly written or thought-out, or comments about my writing style in general--are what I'm really looking for here. If you like it, good, I'm glad, but I don't really care to hear about it unless you have something you think I would be better off changing. Thank you guys. ~Luv u all~


A LOOSE SCENE
=================


[A and B are two young people, around 20 years old. A is male and of average-to-slim build. B is female, dark, mysteriously attractive. They sit at a large, circular table. Perhaps they have been studying.]

A: I'm sorry for you. Kind of.

B: Kind of. What. Why?

A: Because it must be terrible for you. Having all these...well, 'intellectual' boys clamoring for your affection all the time.

B: Ha-ha. Shut up.

A: I'm being serious. I can tell you why it happens to you.

B: I know why. Why it happens--

A: [cutting her off] It happens because, well look here we are in college.

B: mm.

A: A very good college.

B: Some would say.

A: Everyone would say. At least, everyone who isn't here.

B: There you go.

A: Right, well, these boys. Because really, that's what they are.

B: Some are...

A: Most of them are.

B: Some are girls.

A: [laughs] I can't speak to that half of the problem.

B: Yeah yeah, go on with what you were trying to say.

A: These are the boys who were always too smart for their own good. Back in Corpus Christi or Sioux Falls or whatever hamlet they came from, these boys were head and shoulders above everyone else they knew, intellectually.

B: You think so?

A: Absolutely. I guess it's probably different when you're coming from these Upper East Side Ivy-factories that take in forty grand a head in exchange for the keys to the back entrance of Harvard Yard. But I guarantee you that a kid here from, like, Bismarck North Dakota was the smartest person he knew before he got here.

B: I guess you're right.

A: Yeah, so these were the kids who got all the high school accolades, trips to the State Capital for some high-achievement award, all of that, but these were also the kids who were reading the Communist Manifesto in 10th grade and were over it by 11th.

B: What the hell does this have to do with me?

A: I'm getting to that. Because here's the thing, unless by the Grace of God somehow a female and a male version of this same person were deposited in the same podunk town--and honestly I've never, ever heard of that happening--none of these boys has ever had a girlfriend. Sure, they jerked off to the popular girls at their high schools, and maybe some of them called those same girls sluts when they wouldn't give them the time of day--but in the end they know that, in reality, those girls would've bored the hell out of them.

B: I can't believe you. You are such a condescending prick.

A: No just hear me out. The girls they lusted after would've bored them to death in reality. And the girls didn't even notice that the boys existed, because they're all such painful introverts. Either that, or they'd be intimidated by them. Or just weirded out.

B: What the fuck.

A: Ok look, I'm getting to my point. My point is that all of a sudden, they're some place where a girl like you exists. Not only are you smarter than any girl they could've dreamed of back home, but you're...

B: Ha ha, what.

A: You're ok-looking.

B: Fuck you!

A: You don't need me to praise your looks.

B: Whatever.

A: What I'm trying to say is, these were the boys that were told--by sympathetic English teachers, mainly---that the world was their oyster. They're here now, they've made it, academically. They got what they waited for, and worked for. What they deserved.

B: Oh, I hope you aren't about to say--

A: Yeah, they honestly believe they deserve you.

B: Ugh

A: Yeah I know.

B: Why are all these geniuses boys in your fantasy-realm of mid-America?

A: I'm not saying there weren't girls just as smart--hell, high school girls are a lot smarter than the boys. But only the boys are germane to my experience, or for that matter your dilemma.

B: I don't have a dilemma.

A: Call it what you will, it seems to be wearing you down.

B: I hope you aren't speaking from experience.

A: Ha ha.

B: Tell the truth.

A: I've had plenty of pretty, smart girls, and honestly, I haven't deserved a single one of them.

B: I said tell the truth.

[Curtain.]
Last edited by *Truly Ninja* at Nov 17, 2008,
#2
I get a Kevin Smith feeling when I read it. Very interesting stuff. But like Kevin Smith, you don't know how to write a woman. Not many men do, including myself.

The first thing I'd suggest is to get rid of her generic, 'Go oooonnn' lines in between all his dialogue. I'm not sure what you plan to do with this piece, but whenever something like this is written, it's so forced when you've got a woman just taking in all the dialogue from a male and having nothing to come back at him with.

Extremely good writing however. Very interesting to read.
#3
This is probably a stupid criticism, but who actually enunciates "kind of"? In a poem I'd let that sort of drab comeliness slide, but in a dialogue?! Nay sir, nay.

Loved the quotes around "intellectual" in that second or third line of dialogue. I immediately got a mental image of the kind of kids to which I assume you're referring.

Why is "Why it happens --" a new sentence? How would that sentence end? I'd like to see it better as "I know why it happens -- " or or "I know why, why it happens --" or "I know why. Why, it happens --" (giving it a more colloquial feel), or even "I know why. It happens --" (giving it a more realistic feel).

It's not "mm", it's "mhmm". Talk to a few girls on AIM and you'll know exactly what I mean, lol.

I thought it was funny that at the part where you wrote "[laughs]" I was already laughing to myself. This isn't a criticism.

I didn't like her responses at "what the hell" and "condescending prick" as I thought they were slightly over the top, but I absolutely love what you're saying at this point. I feel you completely. Her "What the ****" resonse seemed off as well. "**** you" feels legitimate, the rest I can't really see happening. Though again, I'd like to assert that the male character's dialogue at this point has a wonderful flow and is beautifully intriguing.

The deserve part reminds me of my favorite Bright Eyes song, and it's a great point. Which of us hasn't at some point thought that we "deserved her, more than anyone deserves anything"?

Awesome ending. You bring full circle in my opinion that you're exactly the type of person you're whining about deep down, as am I, as are all of us really.

This response is so long 'cause I'm in a picky mood today, but this really struck a great chord with me. It's written extremely well. The girl bored me, but if I had a similar conversation with a female, I can only imagine she'd bore the ever living hell out of me. I'd only remain interested because of the sheer honesty of my pontificating. So maybe it was intentional.

I loved this. I'm so happy you're back.
#4
This was so cool to read. The characters were incredibly believable and the writing was excellent.

I'll be back, to this piece that is, I still have some criticism, but overall this was incredibly well done.

And welcome back
#6
I think Corey hit the nail on the head perfectly with the cursing, especially the un-excamation marked "what the ****".

Believable dialogue. Maybe add in a little more direction, it's more of a radio script thus far. If this was spefici for theatre then it would need a little more.

Good read Evan.