#1
this is mostly OTS and fuelled by red wine.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Penny, Penny, Penny...

we're just like stamp collectors
but we don't have any stamps.
and it doesn't seem like we are going to be looking for any
in the not too distant future.
we'll just sit around screwing crucial envelopes into balls and disregarding them.
smoking and cackling into crystal,
through old grapes that taste like vinegar,
getting sludgier and darker and more acidic
and more out of tune

where once swoons from snipes
were a boon to bonds,
now they make me want to punch the face of god
whenever you get surly because theres no more pop culture references
to fall safely back on.
i'f id have known you actually had paper plated skin
i would have taken up water colours
instead of combat shooting.
So now i've got to walk the earth like django
dragging a coffin full of ammo that im never going to use
because i forgot that "one shouldn't invest themselves too wholeheartedly in any endeavour." and nothing lasts forever.

for all the time we spend firing back and forth and trading shots for leaky trophies
that we cant frame on the mantle or say we're proud of.
for all the supernovas that burst, explode and scatter the skies with shining silver, just to flicker and peter out a few seconds later because you've seen it all before,
for every agonising yawning silence when nobody has an answer for dull and boring questions about
cost effectiveness, and growth
we might as well be licking sticky backs and whacking them in scrap books
for all the good it can do for us.


well maybe i want a stamp book.

its definitely a hobby.
its just a bit of fun.
--------------------i'm definitely the alphaest male here--------------------
Last edited by FunkasPuck at Nov 19, 2008,
#3
"you get surly because theres no more pop culture references
to fall safely back on." thought this was particularly interesting.

"skatter" isn't a word as far as I know, I assume you meant "scatter". "definately" should be "definitely".

beyond unimportant spelling mistakes I doubt anyone really cares about, I thought there were quite a few very interesting ideas here that were presented. I could tell it was ots / fueled by red wine because your mind seems to jump around to several very different ideas, however because they were mostly all intriguing and because they all served towards the greater cynical purpose of the poem, I thought it came off well instead of somewhat messy. I enjoyed this quite a bit.

in my opinion, you're probably one of the undervalued regulars here. you've been posting quality work here for a very long time without much recognition. I'm sure this don't mean much, but I'd like you to know you've caught my eye!

#4
fixed up the spelling.

and thankyou. that actually does really mean a lot to me

and to emily: sorry, but the only way you'll hear this is to read it aloud.
i dont really write with any music in mind. thanks for your comment
--------------------i'm definitely the alphaest male here--------------------
Last edited by FunkasPuck at Nov 17, 2008,
#5
Quote by FunkasPuck

Penny, Penny, Penny...

we're just like stamp collectors
but we dont have any stamps.
and it doesnt seem like we are going to be looking for any
in the not too distant future.
we'll just sit around screwing crucial envelopes into balls and disregarding them.
smoking and cackling into crystal,
through old grapes that taste like vinegar,
getting sludgier and darker and more acidic
and more out of tune

Apostrophe in don't and doesn't. Didn't like the long line. To be honest, it takes a lot away from the streamlined feel of the imagery. Instead of allowing me to read down the page like all the other lines do, it makes me sprawl across... and the line itself isn't rewarding enough (in my eyes) to justify taking away the quick pace you've set with the rest of the stanza. I love the first two lines... I do jokes like that all the time in real life (things like, "It's just like running. Except not.") Lines 3 and 4 need to be condensed... too wordy. I like the conversational feel of this... but th at is like listening to the drunk guy at the party ramble a bit instead of just making his point. Short and sweet would work better with the tone. I liked this opener a lot.

where once swoons from snipes
were a boon to bonds,
now they make me want to punch the face of god

Ugh. These three were awful in this piece. Everything else is an image... but a sort of realistic down to earth image presented in a way that is tangible. These weren't. The tone doesn't match... the presentation and ideas don't match. The punch the face of god was ok... but it doesn't seem to line up with anything else. I also don't get the "where" and how that works.

whenever you get surly because theres no more pop culture references
to fall safely back on.
i'f id have known you actually had paper plated skin
i would have taken up water colours
instead of combat shooting.
So now i've got to walk the earth like django
dragging a coffin full of ammo that im never going to use
because i forgot that "one shouldn't invest themselves too wholeheartedly in any endeavour." and nothing lasts forever.

I'd say lose the whenever and the "and nothing last forever" and move "wholeheartedly in any endeavour" to its own line. Decent images in here... but this didn't wow me like the first part did. Mostly from "so" down... I just felt like you lost where you were going... and started circling yourself. Just seems like that part didn't cover as much ground; and what you did cover didn't have as much oomph behind it. It was ok... just didn't impact me like the first stanza did.


for all the time we spend firing back and forth and trading shots for leaky trophies
that we cant frame on the mantle or say we're proud of.
for all the supernovas that burst, explode and scatter the skies with shining silver, just to flicker and peter out a few seconds later because you've seen it all before,
for every agonising yawning silence when nobody has an answer for dull and boring questions about
cost effectiveness, and growth
we might as well be licking sticky backs and whacking them in scrap books
for all the good it can do for us.

Loved the first two and last two. The rest... . Take it or leave it. There was nothing moving about the other two... nothing that made me think "good call" or made me even care that I read it. I'd say you could solicit more touch with reader by loosing the repetitive things and jumping straight from "proud of" to "we might as well." It moves us between the two main points of htis piece... and it does so while we're still built up in anticipation from the "for all the time." By the time you got to the switch... I didn't care anymore. It dragged on too long for the switch to reach me anymore because I'd already lost focus on what it was about because I was reading about a fucking supernova that came out of nowhere as an image.

well maybe i want a stamp book.

its definitely a hobby.
its just a bit of fun.

Good close. Irony and still slows the pace down nicely.



This was enjoyable. Probably not something I'll remember two days from now though. I see the purpose of stanza two, as far as moving the the "shooting thing" to setup stanza 3... but the 1st well out weighs the other two. The other two just don't hold a cnadle to the poetic quality of the sentiments and images of the first. I think they need to be condensed, take out the fluff and let them kick some ass.

I did this one, because kdownes hit the other pretty hard. Should you feel up to it, Dylan (II) in sig. If not no worries, I said I was doing this just because. So no worries.
#6
thanks for your comments. fixed the minor punctiations, and i'll take the rest on board.

pretty much all of it bar the first stanza was a "drunk guy at a party" rambling. and i agree with you about the opening of the second stanza, but getting surly and punching the face of god WAS the pop culture reference i couldnt fall safely back on. its a little personal thing. that was the one of the injokes that made me want to write this. i can see that its a bit oblique, but that one stays
i fully agree that the last stanza needs retooling.

really, thanks a lot for your comments.

i'll hit you back asap.
--------------------i'm definitely the alphaest male here--------------------