#1
C4C (leave link)


My knees trembling like castanets,
while scratching my curly hair,
like a girl enlaces her finger
on the phone wire, while talking
with a guy she wants to make, soon.

I choke on words, spit magniloquence,
and on dyslexic thoughts, I drop the
first line that came to my mind; a
battle of wits between my
conscience and crossed heart.

And on bitten nails and chewed skin,
while joints bounce uncontrollably,
gazing my floor and her shoes,
(gazing my floor and her shoes)

debating chances, recalling
inexistent romances; and intents
that remained in verbs of the past tense.
(That remained in verbs on the past tense)


Her laces untied, her hair wild,
her bangs insist in covering eyes,
her hands gently try to look into mine,
while I check on my mind how to say
those three overused words.

My knee-caps shattering by each tremble,
while every object resembles
a moment with you, a souvenir
inside your sphere in my body,
ticking to self-destruct.

My throat dried up like a desert,
but you’re my safeguard oasis,
which denies to fructify
something neither wrong nor right;
and this is where we are now...

And on bleeding nails and ripped off skin,
while joints disjoint uncontrollably,
the floor’s a hole, her shoes sky;
(The floor’s a hole, her shoes sky)

unanswered quandaries, recalling
inexistent romances; and intents
that remained in verbs of the past tense,
of the unsaid request for a ball dance.

Her laces untied, her hair wild,
her bangs insist in covering eyes,
her hands gently try to look into mine,
while I check on my mind how to say
those three overused words.

Her laces tied, her hair combed,
her bangs more perfect than ever,
her hands gently try to look into mine,
while I check on my mind
this isn’t like it should,
I really wish I could,
but I can’t say I…
Last edited by seventh_angel at Nov 19, 2008,
#5
Just briefly, two things. I loved this, and you need to fix the line breaks on the second stanza, it was rather hard to read. Oh, and I loved the little things in the parenthesis, they were great. I'll come back and do a full crit when i got time
#6
"My throat dried up like a desert/But you are my safeguard oasis". That right there is ****ing brilliant. I really enjoyed this piece. Emotion, great imagery, and I was able to relate. What more could I ask for? The only few thing sthat bothered me: the "three overused words" line. I really think you should just say "I love you". Also the last line of the first stanza. It just seems kind of awkward. At any rate, nice job with this, man.

Crit mine please
The Devil Inquired
#7
It was awesome. I liked the whole thing. Mine in my sig.
Quote by Ponyexpress
Grammar Nazis scare the living crap out of me mainly because I'm half Jewish


MY SONGS:
[thread="985311"]A Love/Hate Relationship[/thread]
[thread="985301"](All) I Can See[/thread]
[thread="983897"]My Heart is a Hand Grenade[/thread]
#9
Some of the big words feel out of place and ms word synonymized.
i dunno i'm just into simplicity lately.
it feels drawn out and some of it is phrased awkwardly.
not to sorta disagree for the hell of it (w/themarsvolta), but

"My throat dried up like a desert/But you are my safeguard oasis"

leading into the following lines feels awfully unnatural and staged.
imo, of course.
O! music: Click (Youtube)


^ Click to see an acoustic arrangement of Ke$ha's 'Your Love is my Drug' - everyone's favourite song.
#10
Quote by seventh_angel
C4C (leave link)


My knees trembling like castanets,
while scratching my curly hair,
like a girl enlaces her finger
on the phone wire, while talking
with a guy she wants to make, soon.
apart from being nice imagery, this stanza did nothing for me. There's a lot of cliche in here, and it also dosn't give us really any idea of what's going on.

I choke on words, spit magniloquence,
and on dyslexic thoughts, I drop the
first line that came to my mind; a
battle of wits between my
conscience and crossed heart.
Had to look up "magniloquence" But I don't think it fits in here. You've used rather simple language up to that point, then suddenly thrown in a huge word. But despite that, this stanza is really strong. Maybe if you edited the first one, then switched these two around, it would work better.

And on bitten nails and chewed skin,
while joints bounce uncontrollably, This line doesn't flow very well. I think you need another line apart from "uncontrollably"
gazing my floor and her shoes, "gazing AT my floor and her shoes"?
(gazing my floor and her shoes)

debating chances, recalling
inexistent romances; and intents
that remained in verbs on the past tense. "In verbs OF the past tense"? This part of the stanza is fantastic, very powerful, much better
(That remained in verbs on the past tense)


Her laces untied, her hair wild,
her bangs insist in covering eyes, I'm not sure if I like these first too lines, they're a bit weak
her hands gently try to look into mine,
while I check on my mind how to say
those three overused words. This is really good

My knee-caps shattering by each tremble,
while every object resembles
a moment with you, a souvenir
inside your sphere in my body,
ticking to self-destruct. WOW, that was fantastic, so much better than anything else in here, really powerful and flows beautifully

My throat dried up like a desert,
but you’re my safeguard oasis, didn't like this at all, very awkward to read
which denies to fructify
something neither wrong nor right;
and this is where we are now... hmmm, bit filler-y this stanza

And on bleeding nails and ripped off skin,
while joints disjoint uncontrollably, again, i don't like "uncontrollably" or "disjoint"
the floor’s a hole, her shoes sky; That is some of the best imagery so far
(The floor’s a hole, her shoes sky)

unanswered quandaries, recalling
inexistent romances; and intents
that remained in verbs onOF? the past tense,
of the unsaid request for a ball dance.

Her laces untied, her hair wild,
her bangs insist in covering eyes,
her hands gently try to look into mine,
while I check on my mind how to say
those three overused words. Same as before. Which is bizarre because you slightly altered the stanza before, shouldn't you do the same to this one?

Her laces tied, her hair combed,
her bangs more perfect than ever,
her hands gently try to look into mine,
while I check on my mind
this isn’t like it should,
I really wish I could,
but I can’t say I…


LOVE YOU! Nah, kidding :P

Compared to your earlier work, this isn't fantastic. But it's still good and it has a lot of potential. I loved the ending and some of the other stanzas, the rest just need a lot of work. Hopefully I said something useful in there for you.
#12
I think this is up there with the rest of the genius pieces you have posted. It reinforces my desire to lick your tongue and swallow your pen whole.

I'm sorry I don't have a lot to add, I feel there is very little here that I need spit out and ask for my money back. Kyle (above) had many of my thoughts on the nit-picking aspect of the song down to a T, but I still have one thing to add: This is song writing at a superb high quality. A very solid return to the your previous efforts that once centered itself more with composing lyrics. It is well above even the best of the music industry. You should be very proud of yourself as you really do have a gift for writing lyrics, I believe it's what makes you better than most writers on here; you're proudly different and not a poetic snob (I'm not saying people on here are, they are not... well, maybe one or two )

Keep it up, gov'ner.

BTW, I may come back and do a more thorough critique of this as very few people seem to say anything on your pieces. Alex, Steve and myself are about the only people I notice who keep returning to you. I'll see how my time is set.

Digitally Clean
#13
oh, it's a goddamn song! Well, that makes a ****load more sense. my bad, thought it was a poem Well, that changes my whole thinking and now i definitely have to agree with Mr. Goldfish. The songwriting was superb. My bad
#14
Oh thank you guys; you flatter me with eulogies ^^

I don't know what I can say to you Dan... It just seems I pass very undercover here; still I enjoy posting in here; usually there are very useful comments.. Oh, and I usually do not comment on other pieces, I only crit back... I only do that when I really enjoy a piece I read...

But you're my constant readers (and it's mutual). Thank you again
#15
So I'm not a constant reader yet?

Oh well, keep posting, I'll keep reading. I enjoy your work, even if barely anyone else reads it
#17
wow very nice, but it does almost come across as a beat poem
But there's no sense crying over every mistake, you just keep on trying till you run out of cake.

#18
my bad! I should learn to read better

But seriously, you are a dman good writer, and with a bit more practice, you could be a damn FINE writer, maybe even a brilliant writer. I want to see a WotW piece from you soon, i think you could win it.
#20
It's pretty good man. Like really, I think you're close to getting down what you want.

I just really didn't like the on/off diction here. You know what I mean. It's probably been mentioned. Like, you go from really clever and talented use of wordplay and cadence, to a blitz of diction that engulfs the piece, and you switch back and forth. It really seemed like you went towards the thicker diction when you didn't quite know how to say what you wanted to say.
マリ「しあわっせはーあるいってこないだーからあるいってゆっくんだねーん 
いっちにっちいっぽみーかでさんぽ
 さーんぽすすんでにっほさっがるー 
じーんせいはっわんつー!ぱんち・・・


"Success is as dangerous as failure. Hope is as hollow as fear." - from Tao Te Ching

#21
yes! Culex put his finger on it. It's something that bugs me about your work, the switching between the simplistic and the complex and back again, without warning. I love both styles, but sometimes the transition needs to be smoothed. There's a bit of that in this piece as well, i think i pointed it out before though
#22
You are both right... That's a common mistake I make, it's just that I usually follow a line of thought without actually think much about it. Most my pieces are made in 5-10 minutes, usually the rhymes also appear very naturally. maybe that's the reason why complexity is mixed with simplicity randomly; I don't know...

Thanks to both of you