#1
up in the second floor room
of a victorian-era home
duritz banters out of a
tin cone that is suppose
to ressemble a speaker.

oritental rug,
and a red lamp that matches.
with light only available
to see a gray hair haze,
of virginias finest crop
going up.

some thump woke me
early enough to regret
going to bed early.
now i get an entire morning
added to my day.
like the erotic chapter
left out of stephen king's stories.
Quote by ottoavist

i suppose there's a chance
i'm just a litte too shallow to consider
that maybe i've been a little more eager
each day to wake up and take a shower
brush my teeth and smile for the mirror
Last edited by freshtunes at Nov 17, 2008,
#2
"some thump woke me
early enough to regret
going to bed early.
now i get an entire morning
added to my day.
like the erotic chapter
left out of stephen kings stories."

****
yes
**** yes
マリ「しあわっせはーあるいってこないだーからあるいってゆっくんだねーん 
いっちにっちいっぽみーかでさんぽ
 さーんぽすすんでにっほさっがるー 
じーんせいはっわんつー!ぱんち・・・


"Success is as dangerous as failure. Hope is as hollow as fear." - from Tao Te Ching

#3
that 3rd part is good, but i cant hear how its supposed to sound in my head. it feels like an really odd format, but i like it.
#4
culex said it all. I dug this, but the last stanza killed me. That stanza was definitly the best I've ever read from you
#5
I don't know what those first two stanzas mean to you, but they didn't do much for me. They expanded too much on vague concept and I think that next to the point, which is simple and just purely great, there's just too much. I was bored before I got to the last stanza, and that lead to me not taking and then thinking 'wait a sec' and going back to read just that bit again. I think modifying the first two in to one, longer stanza would make this work better, but I'm not sure. They set the scene, but didn't set the character inside the scene enough, I don't think.
There's only one thing we can do to thwart the plot of these albino shape-shifting lizard BITCHES!
#6
Quote by freshtunes
up in the second floor room
of a victorian-era home
love the opening
duritz banters out of a
tin cone that is suppose
to ressemble a speaker.
Love the adam duritz - tin cone thing but I'm not sure liked the word resemble here that much and i think it's spelled wrong. It just through me off that you were saying the purpose of the cone was to resemble a speaker, not act like a speaker. I guess it works but my first thought was against it. Maybe it'll grow on me though

oritental rug,
and a red lamp that matches.
with light only available
to see a gray hair haze,
of virginias finest crop
going up.
this stanza felt chopped off at the end. I don't think it added much to end it so abruptly. "with light only available" bothered me to. It's a kind of awkward way to say something.

some thump woke me
early enough to regret
going to bed early.
now i get an entire morning
added to my day.
like the erotic chapter
left out of stephen king's stories.
Lovely, sir.


I liked this a lot. It was very enjoyable but I don't think it will have a very lasting effect to be entirely honest. I always like your stuff and this was good but I don't think it's your best.

cheers
Anatomy Anatomy
Whale Blue Review

Park that car
Drop that phone
Sleep on the floor
Dream about me
#7
I'm glad you got the adam duritz part, it made me smile. The first two stanzas are much more personal than universal, though. Very understandable how the connection wouldn't be drawn, but thank you for the comments.
Quote by ottoavist

i suppose there's a chance
i'm just a litte too shallow to consider
that maybe i've been a little more eager
each day to wake up and take a shower
brush my teeth and smile for the mirror