#1
c4c as per usual. Not necessarily true... just something through my eyes.


Rainbow suspenders
just so you know he's in the room.
Dancing on tables, drinking backwards bottles of
oblivion, smoking weed all because
life isn't as exciting as House made it out
to be. I'd never mean drama queen;
but something damn close would fit like
his high heels; and probably smell
a little less like the shit
from the night before.

He had a nervous breakdown last night
(again).
I watched him from across the country;
writing about newly found freedom and
fucking up his life. Writing about
girls that he will never care about,
girls that will never care about him
and pretending like a new type of high will
make him a Hollywood goddess.
Sooner or later, he'll have that epiphany
moment where it all comes together and
he accidentally trips and falls down two
flights of stairs in his excitement.
He'll be weeping at the bottom;
holding a broken leg and sighing
about just wanting the attention.

At the end of the day,
its never been the weed or the pussy
that mattered. He just wanted to feel
like everyone else. Everyone else who is so
happy. content. fake.
Thirty seconds of their time and a nod of approval
is all he's ever dreamt of; but they're god-damned stingy
so he'll just dress like a slutty nun tomorrow.
They'll pay attention then.
#4
Something slipped me about 'epiphany moment'. Last time I wanted to use that I made up a word instead that I rather liked, 'epiphanian'. Ah wells, it just slips me.

But the piece. This is what is great about your writing.
There's only one thing we can do to thwart the plot of these albino shape-shifting lizard BITCHES!
#5
i'm not even going to attempt to crit this. This was probably the best I've read from you since your formula proses. Very well done, sir
#6
I liked this a lot. I'm not too familiar with your work so I'm not sure if its your best. One thing I would avoid is "ing" ending verbs. I don't like them at all. If you change the tense it will make it more immediate.

life isn't as exciting as House made it out
to be. I'd never mean drama queen;

is there some sort of error here? It doesn't make much sense. You don't mean... Dr. House... do you? I'd never mean drama queen? I don't get it. Maybe it continues into the next line? I'm not sure... i think some rewording is in order to make it more clear, perhaps.

Other then that, I'd only desire a little more sensory detail. you do a lot of telling where you could do showing. Booze and weed both have distinct smells.

However, what you do tell us is simply awesome. Great piece.

hope i helped a bit.
what comes up comes out
#7
i'm not really feeling, or understanding, this new trend to write something dedicated, and about, someone on this site whom the writer has never met or actually known personally, like they've known them all their lives.

is this just some sort of exercise, or what?
There's a road that leads to the end of all suffering. You should take it.


- Jericho Caine


secret, aaaaagent maaan.
secret, aaaaagent maaan.
#8
It's simply me describing the way Dylan has come across to me via this medium. The way I see him, and the type of people I know that he reminds me of. It fell out of a conversation I was having with someone... a line popped in my head and I realized that was the way I thought about Dylan... I know 90% of it probably isn't true... but decided to write it anyways.

Thanks haunted. I did mean Dr. House, I'll reword that this evening.
#9
k, makes sense now.
the writing's good, i just didn't get why at first.
There's a road that leads to the end of all suffering. You should take it.


- Jericho Caine


secret, aaaaagent maaan.
secret, aaaaagent maaan.
#10
Quote by ZanasCross
c4c as per usual. Not necessarily true... just something through my eyes.





Rainbow suspenders
just so you know he's in the room.
Dancing on tables, drinking backwards bottles of
oblivion, smoking weed all because
life isn't as exciting as House made it out
to be. I'd never mean drama queen;
but something damn close would fit like
his high heels; and probably smell
a little less like the shit
from the night before.
I like this opening a little bit. I don't watch House so I can't comment on that reference but this was a solid opening. The semicolon didn't help the flow, I'd say. I like it better if I ignore it.


He had a nervous breakdown last night
(again).
I watched him from across the country;
writing about newly found freedom and
fucking up his life. Writing about
girls that he will never care about,
girls that will never care about him
and pretending like a new type of high will
make him a Hollywood goddess.
Sooner or later, he'll have that epiphany
moment Why say 'moment' here? It works with epiphany standing alone where it all comes together and
he accidentally trips and falls down two
flights of stairs in his excitement.
He'll be weeping at the bottom;
holding a broken leg and sighing
about just wanting the attention.

At the end of the day,
its never been the weed or the pussy
that mattered. He just wanted to feel
like everyone else. Everyone else who is so
happy. content. fake.
Thirty seconds of their time and a nod of approval
is all he's ever dreamt of Maybe reword this slightly since you talked about dreams of hollywood goddesses. I get what your saying but I think if you said more like all he really wanted or his dreams really meant, you get what I'm saying?; but they're god-damned stingy
so he'll just dress like a slutty nun tomorrow.
They'll pay attention then.
Nice and nice.



Ok I got ready to crit this expecting to say more and give you something good, but as I read it, I liked it more and found less bothering me than the first couple times through. I'm gonna be honest and say the style and tone weren't very affecting and I don't feel much while reading this. It was a sound work of writing but it didn't connect with me and I don't find it much better than your norm. This just didn't mean much to me outside of what you said. "He longs for attention" written in decently good ways. I didn't feel like you were writing much more than a description. Which might be what you were going for, but it's just not that intriguing I guess.

Enjoyable, nonetheless! Nice to read something from you as usual.
Anatomy Anatomy
Whale Blue Review

Park that car
Drop that phone
Sleep on the floor
Dream about me
Last edited by jiminizzle at Nov 18, 2008,
#11
It's pretty good writing, I suppose.

I felt like I just read a bad joke as far as content goes.
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いっちにっちいっぽみーかでさんぽ
 さーんぽすすんでにっほさっがるー 
じーんせいはっわんつー!ぱんち・・・


"Success is as dangerous as failure. Hope is as hollow as fear." - from Tao Te Ching