#1
Directions to where you can buy drugs

My son, the pharmacist
dressed in skinny black jeans
and a wide
flannel
shirt.

My mother, the coffee-shop singer
throwing carpets over barbed-wire fences
biding her time
slashing tires

My sister the tree-hugger
dressed in boots and a denim jacket
hair knotted and braided
saving nature
filling in
for solar panels

My father, the architect:
the disciple. The apocrypha writer
whatever structure he designs
he is lying about the messiah.

My friend rain,
she wore my skin
like a silk robe
her scent heavy in my nose
like cigarette smoke

A couple guys stand outside
the Audio Acid Records store and evangelize
hardcore lovers of rock n’ roll
ask them about Galatians 5:21
and together you’ll be rejected
by the Kingdom of God.
what comes up comes out
#2
This is just plain stupid.
The main purpose of a TV is to have a place to point your furnatures to
#3
Quote by haunted_engines
Directions to where you can buy drugs



You should write your directions more clear. Couldn't find any using these damn ones.


Nah, I kinda liked it. I'll just have to digest it a bit more.
#4
I like it
though I don't understand it

too obscure?
Lord Gold feeds from your orifices and he wants to see you sweat.
Lord Gold probes you publicly and makes your pussy wet.
Now say his name.....
#5
Quote by arondadi
This is just plain stupid.


why

EDIT: And thank you, others, for your comments.
what comes up comes out
#6
I couldn't connect everything, felt like it lacked a lot of something...
Quote by ottoavist

i suppose there's a chance
i'm just a litte too shallow to consider
that maybe i've been a little more eager
each day to wake up and take a shower
brush my teeth and smile for the mirror
#7
any ideas as to what that is?

and what exactly is so obscure about it?

you guys are the readers, I can't fix whatever is wrong with this piece if you don't give me your honest opinions, as well as a little bit of... why you felt that way.
what comes up comes out
Last edited by haunted_engines at Nov 17, 2008,
#8
I think "pharmacist" doesn't remotely deal with the son's description
and the mother's has little to do with her thing

the daughter and father, however, are great
I like their descriptions


the rain one is interesting, but it seems out of place

as for the ending, it also seems out of place
(though it ties in with the father verse)


this is all IMO, obviously
I'm not you, I don't know how it ties in
but you probably know that I'm not stating what your work is
only my interpretation of it
Lord Gold feeds from your orifices and he wants to see you sweat.
Lord Gold probes you publicly and makes your pussy wet.
Now say his name.....
#9
exactly, of course I am aware. And I do not take offense to comments like "this is just stupid, etc" I just wanted more specific criticism so I have something to work with. Pharmacists work with drugs... he's not a legal pharmacist... that's how that ties in... i mean i didn't think it was that obscure. As for the mother stanza, its kind of someone who sings protest songs by day, does violent anti-establishment types of things by night. I guess i can see how that would be lost on people. And the last stanza does not fit in very well, but that's mostly on purpose.
what comes up comes out
#10
Quote by haunted_engines
exactly, of course I am aware. And I do not take offense to comments like "this is just stupid, etc" I just wanted more specific criticism so I have something to work with. Pharmacists work with drugs... he's not a legal pharmacist... that's how that ties in... i mean i didn't think it was that obscure. As for the mother stanza, its kind of someone who sings protest songs by day, does violent anti-establishment types of things by night. I guess i can see how that would be lost on people. And the last stanza does not fit in very well, but that's mostly on purpose.

Makes sense
and it would be awfully anti-climatic to just say "drug dealer" from the get go
(though I like that stuff)
Lord Gold feeds from your orifices and he wants to see you sweat.
Lord Gold probes you publicly and makes your pussy wet.
Now say his name.....
#11
first off, i think the line breaks and lack of punctuation make this a bit difficult to take in.
its quite a jerky read.
like, was there any relevance to having "and a wide flannel shirt." broken up the way it was? it draws attention to something that otherwise seems pretty irrellevant.

also, most of the content seems a bit diluted. like everything needs elaboration.
at the moment things only seem to tie together on the surface, and its all a bit shallow, and theres nothing to really hook a reader.
--------------------i'm definitely the alphaest male here--------------------
#12
Quote by haunted_engines
Directions to where you can buy drugs

My son, the pharmacist
dressed in skinny black jeans
and a wide
flannel
shirt.
not a lot of point to this

My mother, the coffee-shop singer
throwing carpets over barbed-wire fences
biding her time
slashing tires
love this stanza. esp line 2

My sister the tree-hugger
dressed in boots and a denim jacket
hair knotted and braided
saving nature
filling in
for solar panels

My father, the architect:
the disciple. The apocrypha writer
whatever structure he designs
he is lying about the messiah.
not seeing where God comes in...

My friend rain,
she wore my skin
like a silk robe
her scent heavy in my nose
like cigarette smoke
maybe capitalize Rain. like the stanza otherwise

A couple guys stand outside
the Audio Acid Records store and evangelize
hardcore lovers of rock n’ roll
ask them about Galatians 5:21
and together you’ll be rejected
by the Kingdom of God.
what the hell is the end of this? i honestly cant tell if youre creating a metaphor or preaching religion. if its the latter, i lost respect for the piece



the piece really is all over the place. it has a lot of potential, but right now its a rough read

c4c:
What a Wonderful Life
https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=999460
It Begins
https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1002116

~b
#13
well I myself am all over the place, and I thank you for your comments. Its certainly NOT the latter, quite the opposite, actually. I'll get to your stuff as soon as I can. Thanks for the links.
what comes up comes out
#14
sorry, man, i just couldn't get into this. I've read it over and over again, but it's just not working for me. There is some nice imagery, some nice ideas, but it just seems to be nothing but that. There doesn't seem to be anything that ties this together, or gives this the oomph and the drive it needs. Sorry, i can't say much else
#15
no worries, my friend. Being a writer I'm used to the concept of... a swing and a miss?
what comes up comes out
#16
here son, if its drugs yees are wanting - the big man will sort ye out, dini write stupid songs aboot it
#17
A couple guys stand outside
the Audio Acid Records store and evangelize
hardcore lovers of rock n’ roll
ask them about Galatians 5:21
and together you’ll be rejected
by the Kingdom of God.


Allow me to be blunt and do something I know every writer hates to see. ^that is the only part of this entire piece that is worth keeping. The rest of it is pretty... its imagery, its touch and go about people and places and things in a way that shows me you know how to write... what this lacks is a connection for me to latch onto. For instance my thought process for one stanza, "Awesome... your sister is a hippie... so what?" There is nothing to tie all these lovely still frames of character development together and connect it with any sentiment. The only sentiment or idea worth latching onto was the last stanza... and that was highly underdeveloped. I know you can write a picture... now give hte picture life.

For Dylan (II) if you have time. It's siggd.
#18
I strongly believe that nothing should ever be gotten rid of. That is, said that only part is worth keeping. It's incredibly disrespectful and just something I'm not into. So I disagree with that. But I think the rest of what Zack said is valid. There is no movement in the piece. It was static.

However, the only stanza I didnt enjoy was the penultimate one. The static nature of the piece feeds into both the theme, the title, and the expectations brought on by the title. It is a great example of form and function and their dialectic relationship. It is a piece that reminds me of Whitman. Actually, I bet Zack ****ing hates Whitman, and Dickinson for that matter as well.

This was a modern "I hear America Singing..." Not nearly as complete but in idea and execution and I though that while it could be more concise in parts and expansive in others the foundation for the piece is definitely one worth revising and one I would be interested in seeing more of.

#19
each stanza is about a specific person that I've been really close to, but now I've lost. I may or may not have done drugs with them... but they aren't actually my father and etc. So I think that was lost on everybody who read this piece, do you think that it would be better if I made this more clear? That this is a memorial poem to my close friends who are either dead or lost to me forever? And the last stanza is a place (a psuedonym, obviously) where my friend bought weed once.

I thank all of you for your comments, they were most helpful.

and if i still owe you a crit, let me know

what comes up comes out
#20
Quote by haunted_engines
each stanza is about a specific person that I've been really close to, but now I've lost. I may or may not have done drugs with them... but they aren't actually my father and etc. So I think that was lost on everybody who read this piece, do you think that it would be better if I made this more clear? That this is a memorial poem to my close friends who are either dead or lost to me forever? And the last stanza is a place (a psuedonym, obviously) where my friend bought weed once.

I thank all of you for your comments, they were most helpful.

and if i still owe you a crit, let me know


Yes, I think it would flow better

I mean, we don't have to know exactly what it is about
but the stanzas don't really go together well

if you have free time you could look at mine, but I don't really care if you do or not
Lord Gold feeds from your orifices and he wants to see you sweat.
Lord Gold probes you publicly and makes your pussy wet.
Now say his name.....
#21
i agree with Dylan.
completely.

Quote by arondadi
This is just plain stupid.
gawdernit, i fuchin tale yoo wat. i koodint understayand a fuchin werd o' theeis.
There's a road that leads to the end of all suffering. You should take it.


- Jericho Caine


secret, aaaaagent maaan.
secret, aaaaagent maaan.
#22
this has inspired me.

I don't this is anywhere near your best work, but it's inspired me all the same.
I owe a ton of people critiques.

If you're one of them, please PM me.

I have trouble keeping track.