#1
there led
a sparrow
whisperit
dead,
bulging eyes, no
feathers,
will never
fly again.
don'theyknow
crooked foot
too crocked,
with red guts
on black
tarmac, the
deathed work
of a hummingbird.
slieght of
hand, hovering,
neverknowthis
still with no
plan of flight
or neverknowthis
speed or vigour,
neverknowthisno
never gonna fly
again not with those
broken wings.


there lies a
sparrow's eyes,
seperate from
it's head whatyousee
isnotwhat'said
#2
Jamie, i didn't like this line:
Quote by Jammydude44
crooked foot
too crocked,
but other than that and disregarding the comments to come, this reminded me of a nice little song i'd listen to when i really need to sit back and think about things.

There's a road that leads to the end of all suffering. You should take it.


- Jericho Caine


secret, aaaaagent maaan.
secret, aaaaagent maaan.
#3
I don't know. The whole picture just seemed pretty messed up. Usually I like that sort of thing, but this one seemed just a little off. Kinda hard to explain. It seemed like there were a couple metaphors being mixed. Maybe it's just because I'm listening to The Beatles right now...
Quote by Ponyexpress
Grammar Nazis scare the living crap out of me mainly because I'm half Jewish


MY SONGS:
[thread="985311"]A Love/Hate Relationship[/thread]
[thread="985301"](All) I Can See[/thread]
[thread="983897"]My Heart is a Hand Grenade[/thread]
#4
very dark, different from everything else i've read of yours. thought you could have said bulging eyes better though.
Quote by ottoavist

i suppose there's a chance
i'm just a litte too shallow to consider
that maybe i've been a little more eager
each day to wake up and take a shower
brush my teeth and smile for the mirror
#5
some really good sounds in this piece. Its very lyrical but it has bizarre off beats, like something choppy and loud as opposed to something melodious and soft. But that's not a bad thing, it has the feeling of being pasted together quickly with elmer's glue. some very good series of lines here, very vivid, and I love how this poem seems to be about a dead bird but its not about how the bird is dead... exactly, its about how it will never fly again... I don't know, i think you've got something good going on here. One thing that I will say, however, which seems to be consistent with some criticism you've already gotten is some of your word choices I think could be better. Although I do like crooked and crocked. Awesome sounds to have right next to each other if used effectively, and I think you did.
what comes up comes out
#6
You are different and I like that. You breathe your own air, and it's refreshing when you share some with us.
マリ「しあわっせはーあるいってこないだーからあるいってゆっくんだねーん 
いっちにっちいっぽみーかでさんぽ
 さーんぽすすんでにっほさっがるー 
じーんせいはっわんつー!ぱんち・・・


"Success is as dangerous as failure. Hope is as hollow as fear." - from Tao Te Ching

#7
your work is far different than it used to be. You sound less reliable and more like Yeats. I'm digging your control and I'm digging your sound. The first italics were sick. I still don't see you the way these others seem to see you though. For whatever reason you're still under a glass ceiling to me. If I didnt read you on here first and read your old work I don't know what I would think reading what you're currently posting. Shame too. I'm working on it.

That said. good piece if not a little distracted because of the gimmicked nature of the italics.

the "gonna" was weird.

I guess my biggest problem with the whole thing was that the first stanza seemed unecessary with the second. It seemed redundant. I would almost prefer just the second as it was a great piece of writing, more focused and better than the first stanza.

Oh well,
Hope you're well.
#8
Thanks for the comment. Glad to know you're still a fan. One day we will collect all your nature poems and put them in a book entitled "mother-fuc king nature". I just love the way u right about it. At any rate, I kind of felt that the italicized parts tripped the flow up. Also is "deathed" even a word? Anyways, its nice to read from you.
#9
there led
a sparrow
whisperit
Interesting opening.
dead,
bulging eyes, no
feathers,
will never
fly again.
If I were going to be picky, I'd say that saying "dead' establishes that the bird won't ever fly again. I'd actually probably remove "dead" altogether. Nice rhythm you got going here though.
don'theyknow
I don't see how these italics relate to the previous italics. I guess I should finish reading the poem before commenting on that.
crooked foot
too crocked,
eh. I agree with otto, don't like this.
with red guts
on black
tarmac, the
I love the use of colours here.
deathed work
Is "deathed" a word? Cool line (this and the one directly following it) either way I suppose.
of a hummingbird.
slieght of
should be "sleight"
hand, hovering,
neverknowthis
eh. I'm starting not to like the italics.
still with no
plan of flight
or neverknowthis
speed or vigour,
neverknowthisno
never gonna fly
again not with those
broken wings.

The italics at the end here were particularly uninspired. All in all, I liked the flow, cool idea, writing's pretty well. I thought the italics detracted more than they added. A couple things were superfluous. Still, definitely fun to read and you've got my mind workin' here.

there lies a
sparrow's eyes,
seperate from
separate
it's head whatyousee
isnotwhat'said

Assuming you meant to say "what you see is not what's aid" but make it look like "what you see is not what's said" even though that's not what it says, I think that's extremely clever and I love it. I still don't like the previous italics, but these here are perfectly executed.

Anyways, I tried to be critical but I don't think I found much. I liked this a lot. Great work. You're not the same writer I remember.
#10
"deathed" is a play on words. I used it in my last piece I think too, maybe.

Thanks Corey for the crit. It was handy. I'll get to one of yours soon, sugar, I've been meaning too.

Cheers all.
#11
I really liked this as a metaphor. I love simple pieces that mean very different things than what they are actually about.

I'll edit more in when I organise my thoughts more.
This is not a pipe