#1
everything is going 19 but im still suffering
another morning spent with a bowl of oatmeal and chlorine
my clothes are starting to shrink from being overwashed
and the air around here is thin, and it makes me have to cough
the poster in the centerfold of your tiger beat
it way have the jonas brothers but it'll never take me
and my halloween candy is starting to run out
except the apples with razorblades cuz those might cut my mouth
they tell me the mic is open for all those who have they key
too bad i left it in our room in the pocket of my jeans
and the rose i sent for your birthday must have died along the way
but sometimes dead is better, at least thats what jud would say

**ck this place and **ck its red door
**ck stained glass windows and **uck you even more
but what do i know?
i'm just a silly boy...

i was going for depressing, well to a certain extent
and if exertion equals reasons then i guess that im all spent
some say total silence is the best policy
but id say isolation, but then they could never ask me
i dont have time to wait for you to leave the hive
coffe stains and paper airplanes fly around in my mind
and ill take what vegas is giving me in the point spread
theres a little hole in my jeans, but im running out of thread
ill always have delusions where im apollo creed
sometimes i get bad ideas from the scary books i read
and the cadillacs on cinderblocks line the quiet streets
and the flag up on the pole might as well spell out defeat

**ck this place and **ck its red door
**ck stained glass windows and **uck you even more
but what do i know?
i'm just a silly boy...
#2
actually, I was impressed with this piece. I thought some of the rhymes were a little disconnected, however, some of them are very well written. I only picked out a few tried and tired rhyming words, which on here is pretty damn good. Not usually a huge fan of curse words, but I felt in this case I can make an exception. Assuming this isn't a pop song, I think it fits.

"i was going for depressing, well to a certain extent
and if exertion equals reasons then i guess that im all spent"

^those two lines were stellar, and as far a I can tell the best of the entire piece. You're a talented lyricist, my only complaint is that sometimes it doesn't flow all that well. Doesn't all mean it's bad, but I do think it effects the cohesiveness of the thing as a whole. It will be interesting to watch you grow your craft, keep it up.

here's mine: https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=987298
LISTEN:
A Myspace introduction to:

LEARN:
It's not always rainbows and butterflies,
It's compromise that moves us along. -- Maroon 5
#3
Quote by chumpzilla
everything is going 19 but im still suffering
very cool opening line
another morning spent with a bowl of oatmeal and chlorine
my clothes are starting to shrink from being overwashed
nice detail, it helps paint a believable picture
and the air around here is thin, and it makes me have to cough
the poster in the centerfold of your tiger beat
it way have the jonas brothers but it'll never take me
wierdly funny
and my halloween candy is starting to run out
also a cool detail
except the apples with razorblades cuz those might cut my mouth
not sure how i feel about this line...seems a little half-assed
they tell me the mic is open for all those who have they key
too bad i left it in our room in the pocket of my jeans
and the rose i sent for your birthday must have died along the way
but sometimes dead is better, at least thats what jud would say
very nice, but who'se Jud?

**ck this place and **ck its red door
**ck stained glass windows and **uck you even more
but what do i know?
i'm just a silly boy...
i honestly feel like the rest of the piece is very mature and well written, but the chorus reminds me of painfully juvenile rap metal or something. it really compromises the piece

i was going for depressing, well to a certain extent
and if exertion equals reasons then i guess that im all spent
its been said, but its a nice line
some say total silence is the best policy
but id say isolation, but then they could never ask me
no need for 'but' twice in the line
i dont have time to wait for you to leave the hive
coffe stains and paper airplanes fly around in my mind
more good details
and ill take what vegas is giving me in the point spread
theres a little hole in my jeans, but im running out of thread
the 'but' might sound better as an 'and'
ill always have delusions where im apollo creed
sometimes i get bad ideas from the scary books i read
i truly dont like these two lines. they just seem to have no impetus or direction. theyre saved by the last two lines though, which are great
and the cadillacs on cinderblocks line the quiet streets
and the flag up on the pole might as well spell out defeat

**ck this place and **ck its red door
**ck stained glass windows and **uck you even more
but what do i know?
i'm just a silly boy...



very, very nice work man. im thoroughly impressed and ide really like to see more of your stuff

c4c:
What a Wonderful Life
https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=999460

It Begins
https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1002116

please crit one of em (or both if youre feelin generous. i swear the second one's short)

~b
#4
well, a lot of those are allusions to stuff from my life.
jud is the old man in pet sematary, whos like "louis, some times dead is better"
thanks for the crits guys, i really appreciate it.
#6
I hear this as sounding like a rap? I might be wrong, but I'm hearing this as sounding like Gym Class Heroes, but more intense. Which isn't a bad thing! Can you clarify what style you are going for though?

And if you have time can you crit "Diamond in the Rough"? Link is in my sig.
#7
well, it gets a tad rappy at parts but thats cuz i gets fast. its like acoustic punk rock with a touch of folk in it. if i could record it id put it up, its hard to explain.
#8
I like it, despite my views on rap music.

It has its moments like any other piece.

A tip here, how to beat word filters, as seeing a piece littered with asterisks is the second most annoying thing for me on here.

Write: fuck
Without spaces to get fuck
Or, you can just write f u c k, then highlight the U, click size, two.
#10
Quote by A Rolling Stone
19? Pet Semetary? Stephen King much? lol

case and point, my good man. im glad somebody caught on...
#11
I like it. Nice content. Very unqiue.
i hate the chorus. I know the point of it, but you can write better than that. You proved that in the rest of the song.
Quote by thedefrockednun


DAMN YOU I SIGGED HER FIRST!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


I demand, in the name of the rt, that you change your sig...


NOW!!!!!!!!!




Quote by rigiddigits
RT meet!! Of epic global proportions!!!*
*world may asplode due to unprecedented levels of awesome.