#1
First song i somewhat penned down.

It seems crappier as i read it more often.

here is the RE-WRITE

Sleeping on the sidewalk,
Never did me no wrong,
Sleeping on the sidewalk,
Made my bones strong.

Sleeping in cornfields,
is not why I got the crazies
Sleeping in the cornfields,
let me smell the daisies

Sleeping in big cities,
is not why I lost my nights,
Sleeping in big cities,
helped me see the sites.

Sleeping by the ocean,
is not why im mourning
Sleeping by the ocean,
the sun gave me my good mornings

Sleeping through life,
Now that’s what was bad,
Sleeping through the days,
Wasting the life I had.
Last edited by BalkanGitarist at Nov 19, 2008,
#3
I liked it. Refreshingly simple. I like the structure, very tight. However, ChordMonger is right,, one of the rhymes DOES feel forced, lights/fights. Easily fixed, I think, if you work on it a bit more. Also, i think its cheap to rhyme morning with mourning... seeing as they are exactly the same word. I like the ending as well. Good read, and a very appropriate subject for a blues song.
what comes up comes out
#4
thanks, some of the rhyming was forced,

lights/ the fights part especially,

and the morning/mourning , even though it is a cheap rhyme i kind of like that one =] haha.

ill try to revise it a bit and put it back up here,

i can just repost in this thread right?

^^^^^^^^^^^^^ ITS UP
Last edited by BalkanGitarist at Nov 19, 2008,