#1
c4c


i carved her out of ivory
(and my own manifestations)
extracted from my very bones
(Pygmalion is not alone
enamoured by his own creation)

she stole Aphrodite's arms
(and replaced them with an empty space)
and turned them into flesh and bone
(so why do they still feel like stone
as they rip Cupid's arrow from my heart)

oh my precious Galatea
(she goes by oh so many names)
sits high upon her cherished throne
(but i then I really should have known
that she belongs on mount olympus)

I'll endure the wrath of Zeus
(Atlas bears not such a burden)
to sit with her upon the throne
(and together we will build a home
a view of Gaia from the window)

...

Been a while since I posted one. This was written in the past few days. Please don't bash me for the orgy of parentheses. And I know that Cupid doesn't really belong here cause he's from Roman mythology but his Greek counterpart Eros doesn't have a bow. I'm debating whether to use emamoured or imprisoned in the first stanza. Also, the order of the stanzas isn't final. Any comments are appreciated...constructive ones even more so. I haven't been around much but I promise to get back to everyone...just leave a link!
#2
Stay with enamoured.
Wow, I really like this. I like the use of the greekness haha.
Sounds really good, good flow to the whole thing.
I really like the first stanza. Id bash you for the parentheses, buuuut it makes the reader understand the flow of it better. Good work
Link to my newest in my sig
Cheers
z
Quote by thedefrockednun


DAMN YOU I SIGGED HER FIRST!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


I demand, in the name of the rt, that you change your sig...


NOW!!!!!!!!!




Quote by rigiddigits
RT meet!! Of epic global proportions!!!*
*world may asplode due to unprecedented levels of awesome.
#3
compared to everything you've done before, i really didn't like this. It wasn't the parenthesis (though at times they seemed to break it up too much), it was jut the content and the form. I think this could be said a lot better if you stopped trying to box it in and let it flow a bit. I think the form really lets you down here. But maybe that's just me
#4
Meh to this. It felt so laboured. Like you were just trying to squeeze as many references as you could in there before hitting an end point. It didn't read or feel natural. Some of it was good, the Atlas line sticks out, as does the namesake line. First stanza was good. Honestly, most of it was good on its own... but when you read it all together, it reads like an attempt to hide the fact that you tackled something extremely simple and didn't really have a whole lot to say. I'd say either expand this out, give me more content and less god references. What content was there was just over cluttered by the idea structure. So, either space it out... or condense this so each reference actually packs some sort of punch instead of getting in the way of what's going on in the piece.

For Dylan (II) could use a bump and some thoughts. It's sig'd. Welcome back 'round.
#5
thanks for the comments so far. i'll get to you all soon.

this really started with "she stole aphrodite's arms" popping into my head and also a conversation about Pygmallion and i just went with it. i'll probably wind up turning this into a song someday.
#6
I will get back to this because I know two people called Aphrodite
There's only one thing we can do to thwart the plot of these albino shape-shifting lizard BITCHES!