#1
the only thing that upsets your girlfriend more than hearing you play songs about your ex is her knowing that you're still writing songs about your ex. But I think about 80% of the songs I've ever written had something to do with her... enjoy

it's about trips to Chicago and Normal, Il.

Union Station Central

The train rolls into union,
all the times that I had been here,
Remember the 306 from union,
At 11 in the morning, a train horn, a phone call
“come get me”

High as a kite, drunk as a wretch
The fluorescent bright lights bear on my soul
And every night’s another tale, now,
You’re not a part of this tale, no, no, no

I remember the time on the L
After hearing lua for the first time two weeks ago
missed Further Seems Forever at the metro
you slept on my shoulder on the L

now high as a kite, drunk as a piece of ****
electric trains bring dreams of you and I
and every trip to the city by the lake is alone,
you’re not a part of those trips, no, no, no

We traded stories over drinks at the Green Mill,
Sat in the smoking section eating vegan at Clark’s
Walked the streets in the wildest of storms
But I was in your hands
and believed in forever

Just not high enough and this **** is weak
Cases of beer just to help me get to sleep
And everytime that train roles by,
it blows its horn and reminds me of you and I

But those days are gone.
Fact: Bears eat beats. Bears beats Battlestar Galactica.
#2
its a nice piece, and its a shame it hasnt been commented on yet
doesnt really work on a metaphorical level, but all the small details create a very believable picture. the only part that was weird was 'drunk as a piece of ****'. didnt seem necessary. there are much better and more graphic ways to describe being intoxicated

c4c?
https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=999460
#3


Union Station Central

The train rolls into union,
all the times that I had been here,
Remember the 306 from union,
At 11 in the morning, a train horn, a phone call
“come get me”

You should probably capitalize "Union" to establish it as a location. It's somewhat confusing reading "The train rolls into union" rather than "The train rolls into Union". Small change that makes a big difference.

I don't think the first two lines jive with the next three. I'm supposing this is a song based on the way it's written, and you're going for repetition, but I think the idea you express in the first two lines would be better if you just removed them and started the poem/song on the third line with "I remember the 306..." It's more powerful, and still gets the same point across. Not a bad beginning by any means, though.


High as a kite, drunk as a wretch
The fluorescent bright lights bear on my soul
And every night’s another tale, now,
You’re not a part of this tale, no, no, no

I don't like the phrase "high as a kite" because it's so overdone, but the internal rhyming with "kite"/"bright lights" was a nice touch on this, so I'm not sure if it wouldn't be best to just leave it despite the cliche.

It makes more sense to write it as "bright florescent lights" in the second line there. I think "shine on my soul" or "illuminate my soul" would be more powerful than "bear on my soul".

I think it'd read better, also, if ya removed the "And" at the beginning of the third line and put a "but" at the beginning of the fourth.

There's some interesting ideas expressed here for sure. Not blindingly original, but they're real and they're relatable, and originality only counts for so much, really.


I remember the time on the L
After hearing lua for the first time two weeks ago
missed Further Seems Forever at the metro
you slept on my shoulder on the L

I like the use of "L" here. Makes it seem more personal, it's a small thing but it's a really nice touch. Probably should capitalize "Lua", which is a beautiful song, by the way.

I think this comes off as a somewhat jumbled set of ideas, you namedrop two distinct bands (one's implied with the song title); yet, you use them to join an idea that's completely unrelated -- how does it follow that "After hearing 'Lua' ... [you] missed Further Seems Forever"? I'm sure there's a logical line joining the two events, but it isn't expressed here. There probably needs to be an "I" or "we" before the third line as well.

The fourth line seems unrelated as well -- needs a transition like "instead" or "then" probably.


now high as a kite, drunk as a piece of ****
electric trains bring dreams of you and I
and every trip to the city by the lake is alone,
you’re not a part of those trips, no, no, no

Love the emotion expressed in "piece of ****". Hate the expression. Not sure which side of me is winning that argument going on in my head.

"every trip to the city by the lake is alone" is extremely awkward, but a great idea. Read it aloud to yourself and I think you'll see what I'm saying, it's hard to follow. Plus, the "alone" here is redundant considering the next line is "you're not a part of those trips". Maybe you should do something like "and I reflect during every trip to the city / 'cause you ain't a part of those trips". I think it's more effective that way.


We traded stories over drinks at the Green Mill,
Sat in the smoking section eating vegan at Clark’s
Walked the streets in the wildest of storms
But I was in your hands
and believed in forever

I don't think there needs to be a "but" in the fourth line. That's absolutely my only complaint here -- well, other than lack of punctuation I suppose. Beautiful breakdown -- this is the best stanza you present here, I think.

Just not high enough and this **** is weak
Cases of beer just to help me get to sleep
And everytime that train roles by,
it blows its horn and reminds me of you and I

"Every time" is two words. It should be "rolls" not "roles".

"I need cases of beer just to get to sleep", or something similar, would sound better in the second line there.

"Every time the train rolls by / and blows its horn / it reminds me of you and I" would be a better way to phrase the last three lines here.


But those days are gone.

Solid ending.

Alright, I thought you expressed heartache pretty well here. I definitely felt what you were feeling throughout, and that's admirable. I'm not sure how your current girl would react to this, but whatever, who cares about her, right?

I just think if you continue writing you'll eventually get the sort of things I complained about -- redundancy, awkward phrasing, and the link -- phased out of your system. Those are the sorts of things that you fix with practice.

You have a ton of potential, and I enjoyed this more than my incessant whining probably leads you to believe. Great work.
#4
yeah, this one was kind of awkward to write about. I live next to train tracks, and last time I saw her, she called me in the morning when her train passed and blew it's horn and woke me up, so, the trains kind'a hit me.

Reminded me of when I went to the city (chicago, it's the city by the lake) and missed Further Seems Forever, and then on the ride on the L (our subway/elevated train system [our? I don't even live there!]) I remembered Lua, which I heard conor play two weeks prior in the winter of '05 or '04... in anycase, it was at least a year before the single was released when I heard it. I didn't think about the song once until she fell asleep on my shoulder that night. (you know, "I got a flask inside my pocket, we can share it on the train, I promise to stay concious if you try and do the same")

That's what that means. It's pretty personal, but, I write for me. But, I'm not pleased with this peice as a whole. I'm having a lot of trouble with it. I feel like it should be a masterpeice, but I'm getting nothing out of it. Your criticism helps, when I'm done writing papers, I'll touch it up as per your critiques, thanks, man

also: what would you suggest in place of "high as a kite," cause I never was too fond of that line.
I prefer my language concerning the flourescent lights. It's supposed to be the lights in Union Station. You know, memories of her, the lights in Union Station bear down on my soul. Flourescent as an adjective (just the same as bright) instead of a noun.
Fact: Bears eat beats. Bears beats Battlestar Galactica.
Last edited by Thomme at Nov 19, 2008,
#6
Quote by ChordMonger
i actually disagree about capitalizing union. its obvious from the title that its a location, but keeping it lower case gives it a second meaning

actually, it's a song, so grammar doesn't really mean much to me. capitalization or not, meh.

I thought about it and read over it a few times, and it's very esoteric... pretty much... people from chicago and bright eyes fans will get this song... I think if I cleaned it up to make it more... universal, it'd be easier to work on.

Noticed I write about Chicago alot... hmmm...
Fact: Bears eat beats. Bears beats Battlestar Galactica.
#7
Ok, this is pretty rudimentary, but I think it works a little better

The train rolls into Union
He thinks of all the drinks it took the get here
First time she saw his new place
11am, a train horn, a phone call, "come get me"

Wandering drunk through the station
Fluorescent bright lights bear on his soul.
Every night's another tale,
she's not a part of those tales.
no, no, no

Took to L down to the fireside
wandered down North Halsted in the snow
They were happily in love, shoes soaked through
it's just the way things go

Sleeping on his should on the L
Brings her ecclectic dreams of them
he still takes trips to the city by the lake,
she's not a part of that trip,
no, no, no

They traded stories over drinks at the Greenmill
While poets professed their wildest desires
Sat smoking, eating vegan in Clark's
Walked the streets in the wildest of storms.

The rain soaked through his clothes,
his tears go unnoticed, her eyes red
she tries to let go, he won't let go
they try to think of all the better times.

But those days are gone.


it feels a little more chaotic now, so, I'm not sure just how I feel on this new version. The way it's supposed to be is that first verse and chorus are the present, while the second and third are flashbacks, the first one earlier, the third one, kind of... during/shortly there after he looses her. I mean, it's better, but I'm still not feeling this one. It might just be a lost case.
Fact: Bears eat beats. Bears beats Battlestar Galactica.
#8
I've been to Chicago, so I got the song. I think your second version there does a great dis-satisfaction as a whole. I liked the personal imagery, the places, telling about Further Seems Forever. For once, I actually got lost in the piece, in a good way. Don't change it. The city and moment specific helps add character and gives it it's own identity. my $.02 ...
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