#1
Day 1
I pulled an old towel out of the back of the cupboard
and wrapped it around my soaking body,
drew it around my face and held it tight over my mouth and nose
and smelt the familiar smell, still lingering
from before they swapped washing powder or something
and things were just how they used to be,
cause that's just how things used to be
before I changed and the world became
just a touch more lonely,
as I started hanging on to things like what washing powder was used
and how everything was changing, when really it was just my point of view.
I got taller but the little things got bigger too,
leaving me needing to drop this towel to the floor of my room
and get back in touch, or forget about you.

Day 2
It's a feeling I get as I curve in to the carpet covered sofa
and breathe the smoke from the little stick of death
that's been lit from the gas fire.
Close my eyes and smile inside,
that kind of thing knowing everyday life
means you really are alive
because you wouldn't dream it, you're just
glad you've got it.
And that's how I feel in this sitting room.
My thoughts slow down to a tingling buzz
and I lose any kind of satirical thought I had before,
because minus the different faces, names and place,
this is where I was really raised.
It must be heartbreaking for a mother to know
her daughter has no memories of her home from seven and under,
just of somewhere a mile down the road
with the perfect people who were paid to look after her.
But this is how life plays it;
why I sit here so happy,
why I talk the way I do
cause I said my first words to her, not you
and only a fool would guess that that
wouldn't affect a child so young.
So tonight I'm just going to have fun. Sleep on the sofa and twist
some true Mancunian off my tainted, teenage tongue.


"progression"
hopefully,
probably backwards.
more like a diary entry.
something made me post it.
There's only one thing we can do to thwart the plot of these albino shape-shifting lizard BITCHES!
Last edited by DigUpHerBones at Nov 23, 2008,
#2
There's nothing here that says poem.

It's broken prose, Katherine, and it reads like that. There's no beat, no beat at all, it's dead of beat, dead of any essence that would make it a poem.

Edit, put it into a short prose piece if you must, because I really feel it doesn't work as a poem.
#3
this is your first work that has one-hundred percent truly connected to me. It very nearly made me cry, but that might just be cause I'm feeling super depressed atm. For once, no complaints. Well done, and just leave it as it is form wise, it's a story mroe than anything, and last time I checked, you could post stories here.
#4
Jamie, thank you. I'll have an edit, but I really, absolutely, 100% don't think this would work as prose. There are things about this that I entirely don't think work either, though, making me unsure as to why I posted it in the first place. Silly me.

kdownes: Cheers mate. I hope you're okay. Know you can talk on MSN, love
There's only one thing we can do to thwart the plot of these albino shape-shifting lizard BITCHES!
#5
I love day one. I Could totally connect/relate to it, it felt all homey and nice.
Therefore in comparison, day two wasn't as good for me, but then again if you did anything except what you had done, I doubt it would have worked as a piece.

Final summary: Absolutely fucking amazing.

/New fan.


Did you realize how I used perfect spelling and grammar in this post? You've inspired me to care more about other people, everywhere. Whether they are real or not.

Fuck this.
Last edited by ginjaninja at Nov 19, 2008,
#6
It works pretty well as poetry, in the sense that Thames beat does. I can imagine it best in an early Streets sense, with offbeat and half-rhyme.. I think you need to edit a few lines to fit that bill, because as the first guy said, it lacks beat. Only I don't think it lacks it absolutely, or that it's necessarily a bad thing.

I'll agree with Day 2 not being quite as good. I find that's often the way - you come up with a brilliant concept, and manage the first stanza, and it's so good that you want to extend it, but it never quite works. See if you can try to break the second bit up into roughly equal halves.
#7
Jamie's being silly. Beat is inherent with words. This has beat and prose isnt an entity that lives without beat. Furthermore, Jamie is correct is saying that this is narrative. But again I disagree with the fact that based on the fact a piece is narrative it must manifest itself as prose.

Just because you explain what you're talking about (and don't cut out ideas and words) doesnt make anything prosaic (in both senses) and just because you do (and have an arguably more controlled beat) doesnt make it poetic or poetry.

shrug. I just don't think this is prose for a reason.
#8
Quote by #1 synth
Jamie's being silly. Beat is inherent with words. This has beat and prose isnt an entity that lives without beat. Furthermore, Jamie is correct is saying that this is narrative. But again I disagree with the fact that based on the fact a piece is narrative it must manifest itself as prose.

Just because you explain what you're talking about (and don't cut out ideas and words) doesnt make anything prosaic (in both senses) and just because you do (and have an arguably more controlled beat) doesnt make it poetic or poetry.

shrug. I just don't think this is prose for a reason.


I'm sure Katherine can and has been able to reply to my post herself, Dyl.

I'm sure she'd appreciate a comment on her piece, and not my comment. I would certainly appreciate it, anyway.
#9
Nah mate, I appreciate your comment, of course I just tried putting it in to prose after having read your suggestion, and it didn't work. Form and how much of whatever are things I know I need to work on. Prose, I disagree with. The fact that it really didn't flow at all as well as it could've, I don't (and the note that if Dylan has an opinion about a piece he's perfectly able to say it too :p.

The whole 'writing one after another thing' is a bit odd, since yes, I did write one after the other... but I wrote the first one second.

ginganinja: dude. Thanks. Loads.

But yeah, I'm going to try and develop form and amounts at the moment. So for something like this I'm so much more interested in if someone could connect with it than if someone thought a line break was dodgy, because that second half, although it's nice to know these things if I don't get them, I think (with this piece at least) I know what's wrong with it in that sense, I just need to find a way of working it in with the content.
There's only one thing we can do to thwart the plot of these albino shape-shifting lizard BITCHES!
#10
Quote by Jammydude44
I'm sure Katherine can and has been able to reply to my post herself, Dyl.

I'm sure she'd appreciate a comment on her piece, and not my comment. I would certainly appreciate it, anyway.


The conversation I was taking a part in was pertinent to the piece, the argument which I made directly relevant to a criticism that you raised. I was commenting on your comment merely as a path through which I could reach an argument about the poem, that being that I do not believe it reads as broken prose nor should be transformed into it.

all apologies if I offended (especially you Katherine), but I do not see how you could see my disagreement as any type of disrespectful or ad-hominem attack, aside from the first sentence which was solely meant to be a playful formality. I did not attack you, just asserted an opposition to my perception of your opinion, something which I believe this forum is based upon.
#11
Shush now, children, shush now

I didn't see any 'attack'.
There's only one thing we can do to thwart the plot of these albino shape-shifting lizard BITCHES!
#13
Quote by Jammydude44
There's nothing here that says poem.

It's broken prose, Katherine, and it reads like that. There's no beat, no beat at all, it's dead of beat, dead of any essence that would make it a poem.

Edit, put it into a short prose piece if you must, because I really feel it doesn't work as a poem.


shut up, i haven't even read it yet, but shut up.
www.facebook.com/longlostcomic
#14
Quote by DigUpHerBones
Day 1
I pulled an old towel out of the back of the cupboard
and wrapped it around my soaking body,
drew it around my face and held it tight over my mouth and nose
and smelt the familiar smell, still lingering
from before they swapped washing powder or something
and things were just how they used to be,
cause that's just how things used to be
before I changed and the world became
just a touch more lonely,
as I started hanging on to things like what washing powder was used
and how everything was changing, when really it was just my point of view.
I got taller but the little things got bigger too,
leaving me needing to drop this towel to the floor of my room
and get back in touch, or forget about you.

The slant rhyme in this stanza is incredible, it probably wasn't intentional, because I don't think you're that smart of a writer, but you should sit down and realize a lot of what you did, your line breaks, and the way you emphasized certain parts of the sentence through them made this piece of prose flow like a poem. I really liked:

used/view/too/you
something/lonely/be

Those were great and really added the subtle flow of poetry. It's great enjambment like this that really defined this first stanza.


Day 2
It's a feeling I get as I curve in to the carpet covered sofa
and breathe the smoke from the little stick of death
that's been lit from the fake gas fire.
Close my eyes and smile inside,
that kind of thing knowing everyday life
means you really are alive
because you wouldn't dream it, you're just
glad you've got it.
And that's how I feel in this sitting room.
My thoughts slow down to a tingling buzz
and I lose any kind of satirical thought I had before,
because minus the different faces, names and place,
this is where I was really raised.
It must be heartbreaking for a mother to know
her daughter has no memories of her home from seven and under,
just of somewhere a mile down the road
with the perfect people who were paid to look after her.
But this is how life plays it;
why I sit here so happy,
why I talk the way I do
cause I said my first words to her, not you
and only a fool would guess that that
wouldn't affect a child so young.
So tonight I'm just going to have fun. Sleep on the sofa and twist
some true Mancunian off my tainted, teenage tongue.


Again, the slant rhymes, and the enjambment saved this piece from being...a block of unfiltered prose. The way you broke the lines, and made subtle rhymes really, really impressed me. Great job, although I will say, the content is a bit meh, but whatever, the technical aspect of the writing is great.





-matt-
www.facebook.com/longlostcomic
#15
First off, I want to say that S_V just ****ing commented your piece-- holy ****.

Anyway, I'll agree with Matt that the cadence of the piece flows subtle and river-like, it's probably your best as far as this much goes.

Content: meh in presentation, all, and I'll have to disrespect some of your word choices, such as:

"and breathe the smoke from the little stick of death
that's been lit from the fake gas fire."

.. come on now.

You're catching on, but stop trying to be a writer. Write damnit.
マリ「しあわっせはーあるいってこないだーからあるいってゆっくんだねーん 
いっちにっちいっぽみーかでさんぽ
 さーんぽすすんでにっほさっがるー 
じーんせいはっわんつー!ぱんち・・・


"Success is as dangerous as failure. Hope is as hollow as fear." - from Tao Te Ching

#16
Quote by Something_Vague
I don't think you're that smart of a writer

Cheers, love.
I spent quite a while when I started writing playing a lot with assonance and rhyme placement (something I read about the word 'assonance' made a big impact), now I've just learnt to write that way.

Quote by culex-knight

"and breathe the smoke from the little stick of death
that's been lit from the fake gas fire."


That's the line that comes in to my head whenever I watch her do it, though I agree that it was phrased like a horses arse.

Thank you both very much indeed, I'll get back to you over the next couple of days. Buys busy busy. And I'm sorry I'm still lacking insides.
There's only one thing we can do to thwart the plot of these albino shape-shifting lizard BITCHES!