#1
Hey everyone.
I'm gunna be honest with you guys, it took me alot to decide to write a song a post it here.
Although, i like the thought of being able to write songs i was allways sorta of the opinion youve either got it or you don't, and it seems abit silly when i do it.. anyway im sucking up my pride giving it a try.

This is my first try at lyrics. I wrote this about an hour ago, i took my a fairly long time four how little there is. but oh well.
Lines in bold print have been rethought after constructive crit.

your unspoken is clearer than Broken glass.
woven in soft green across your dress.
my face is drenched in conditoned clarity,
but thankfully,its what i do best.

my muscle memory looses it place
co ordination abondons me
i try to use my movement naturally
But my limbs, they disagree.

our gazes colide with substantial force.
it pierces deeper than a permenant scar.
your ask the question right at the source.
live with regret? or risk who you are

Thats all i have so far. it for an acoustic project.
Im not here to prove anything so please crit hard guys. I'm here to improve not lie to myself.
thanks.
Last edited by SpellItWrong at Nov 18, 2008,
#2
I'd say that you're trying too hard to rhyme. Every other line doesn't have to rhyme, so if you try to break away from that path, you can express your ideas a little more freely and deliberately. I have the exact same problem though.

Could you take a look at mine?
https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1002711
#3
I see what you mean...ill do the song and the realise that self cocously im making things rhyme...ill try to stop that..thanks man