#1
I still need to develop this more and add at least a second verse, but here's what I have so far. Please be brutally honest.

Verse:
You never did anything inherently wrong,
It was better in the end, you say,
All you could need was lying right in front of you,
But you passed it up anyway.
And still you gave it up,
For no good reason at all,
Then gave me a little kick,
A trip and now I'm starting to...

Chorus:
Fall away, doesn't matter when I hit the ground
You're pushing me further, and the only way to go is down
I dont resist, there's to use for me to make a sound,
But sooner or later you'll see the fortune you had found.
Last edited by cartoonydude707 at Nov 18, 2008,
#2
I like this. although i would think about shoterning the line that starts "all you could need.." i think it breaks the rythem..just one guys opinion though
#3
i like the chorus a lot more than the verse, but overall pretty good. i like how everything rhymes in the chorus, im a fan of that in all songs.
#5
nice i like the way the verse feeds into the chorus very good. i think that your message will be more clear if you add a verse or two. anyways i like what this is so far
#6
You never did anything inherently wrong,line doesnt seem to fit. seems unnecessary
It was better in the end, you say,
All you could need was lying right in front of you,
But you passed it up anyway.
And still you gave it up,
For no good reason at all,
Then gave me a little kick,strange. akward
A trip and now I'm starting to...out of place

Chorus:
Fall away, doesn't matter when I hit the ground
You're pushing me further, and the only way to go is down
I dont resist, there's to use for me to make a sound,
But sooner or later you'll see the fortune you had found.

MM intresting. heart break song... um...the chorus is ok. dont see anything awful. THe First one is very akward and thrown togeather. the idea is there but it is boring. you dont really wow me with antyhing. it's like reading a bad book.

soryr it took so long to get back to you. i've been busy. sorry. and thanks for the crit.
It's not stalking to watch her sleep if she fell asleep watching a movie.
a silly wind
(\__/)
(='.'=) LoNg LivE tHe BunNy!
(")_(")
Last edited by me<-needs help at Dec 14, 2008,