#1
I can hear the thunder,
but i cannot feel the rain,
your drug has caused the lightning,
and now i've gone insane,

Shut it out,
Get it out of my head

eyes, open, but I fail to see the light
Take control, of my mind and shut out the night
So overpowering, keep it out of my brain
before I do something crazy, all over again

No place to hide,
No shelter in sight

now i'm out on this lonely street,
and am still a shadow against even the dimmest light,
i cannot get this curse out of my head,
now i must repent for these sins in my mind

Shut it out,
Get it out of my head
I've got to end this madness

Shut it out,
Get it out of my head
I've got to end this madness


its sposed to have a kind of Avenged sevenfold feel to it..(sounding the seventh trumpet)

Ive edited it a bit and added more

should i change it back to "eyes, wide open, but.... or keep it at eyes, open, but....
Last edited by M.P.A.Guitarist at Nov 19, 2008,
#3
I co-wrote this with the singer in my band in about 20 miniutes over myspace lol, this is my very first song ive written

Im thinking about changing the last line to

" now i have to repent for these sins in my mind"

what do you think?
#6
Quote by M.P.A.Guitarist
I can hear the thunder,
but i cannot feel the rain,
your drug has caused the lightning,
and now i've gone insane,
The first three lines were good. The last was... terrible, only because of its forced rhyme. I suggest replacing it with a new one that still talks about this storm, to keep a "subject", if you will to the first verse.

Shut it out,
Get it out of my head
Clichéd, but simple and would be effective in a song format , I s'pose.

eyes, open, but I fail to see the light
Take control, of my mind and shut out the night
So overpowering, keep it out of my brain
before I do something crazy, all over again
The forced-ness of these rhymes made me puke a little. It was also very cliche, and in the end pointless.

No place to hide,
No shelter in sight
Really like this.

now i'm out on this lonely street,
still a shadow against the dimmest light,
i cannot get this curse out of my head,
now i must repent for these sins in my mind
L2 felt too long. See my recommendation. In comparison to L1+2, 3+4 were terrible.

Shut it out,
Get it out of my head
I've got to end this madness

Shut it out,
Get it out of my head
I've got to end this madness
Ehhh. Not a lot to say for this.



None of it felt like it had a purpose for being there. I know that there are ways to interpret this, but there wasn't really a story, not a lot of flow between stanzas. For example, you talk about a storm in stanza 1, a commendable idea, and then return to it in "No place to hide, No shelter in sight". The rest was incoherent ramblings about someone with something in their head doing something crazy.


EDIT: And by the way, I'm fourteen.
Last edited by ginjaninja at Nov 20, 2008,
#7
Quote by ginjaninja
None of it felt like it had a purpose for being there. I know that there are ways to interpret this, but there wasn't really a story, not a lot of flow between stanzas. For example, you talk about a storm in stanza 1, a commendable idea, and then return to it in "No place to hide, No shelter in sight". The rest was incoherent ramblings about someone with something in their head doing something crazy.


EDIT: And by the way, I'm fourteen.

like i said im a composer(somewhat) not really a songwriter...=)
thanks for the crit
Last edited by M.P.A.Guitarist at Nov 23, 2008,
#8
its understandable,...
and besides,... you have plenty years to improve!
work at it hun
Stanford.U.


7wholegrainsonamission


Not because of who I am
But because of what you've done.
Not because of what I've done
But because of who you are