#1
Crit for crit.

The rain has changed everything.
Blurring my vision and
drowning my hopes of sunlight.
I pray quietly for clarity,
filled with thoughtless questions.
Who needs a raincoat when we’re
too young to feel anything?
Hold my hand and hold my heart.
My window frame is a springboard
Five hundred feet above the street.
I will dive into the sunshine and
swim through the darkness.
I will glow through your skin.
Can you feel me?


Leave a link.
The only truly consistent people are dead people.

Last edited by darkangel322 at Nov 19, 2008,
#2
change the 500 to five hundered.

apart from that, great.

edit: Now I'm more clear minded, I thought I'd give this a little more.

The rain has changed everything.
Blurring my vision and
drowning my hopes of sunlight.
I pray quietly for clarity,
filled with thoughtless questions.
Who needs a raincoat when we’re
too young to feel anything?
I like how this section is all about rain.
Apathy is overated.
Feels too short, incoherent, and therefore out of place.(Also, two r's in overrated.)
Hold my hand and hold my heart.
My window frame is a? my? springboard
Five hundred feet above the street.
Love the feet/street rhyme inside here.
I will dive into the sunshine and
swim through the darkness.
I will glow through your skin.
These three lines felt cliche, especially after what you have proved you are capable of writing.
Can you feel me?
Nice.


That's better. No need for a return.
Last edited by ginjaninja at Nov 19, 2008,
#3
Thanks for the critiques
and the corrections.
I'll be sure to fix that up.
I'll look for your stuff on the boards
in the future.
The only truly consistent people are dead people.

#4
just to know, you should feel special... this being my first sign in for almost or over a year!

The rain has changed everything.
Blurring my vision and
drowning my hopes of sunlight.
This is good description but somehow, it seems, like it doesnt work because you switch into different tenses.. The rain has CHANGED everything but then its blurring and drowning (present tense) you understand? maybe its correct and Im just nuts but when I look at it, I just notice there being a tense error.. blurred my vision and drowned my hopes sounds better and is grammatically more correct but since this is a poem.. most times grammar rules dont apply
I pray quietly for clarity,
filled with thoughtless questions.
Who needs a raincoat when we’re
too young to feel anything?
Hold my hand and hold my heart.
here it feels to me like like this parentheses are out of place.. You're praying for clarity, basically answers for your endless questions... and then you jump to Who needs...to feel anything. It just seems like it doesnt fit. Yes, the raincoat is to do with the rain but the location of the phrase doesnt seem to mesh with the previous descriptions
My window frame is a springboard
Five hundred feet above the street.
I will dive into the sunshine and
swim through the darkness.
is this like.. hinting at suicide?
I will glow through your skin.
Can you feel me?
if the last part was about suicide this makes no sense... Even reading the whole thing I really dont understand the relevance of the last part...




hey okay so all in all.. I think it isnt bad.. You've written better but this is an okay, sturdy poem. I hope my advice helped even though I seemed abit picky and pole-up-the-ass-ish... But thats my crit and I hope it helps you.. I would probably rate this a 6.5/10 --> i KNOW you can do better... please just take this as constructive criticism.
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