#1
ots. c4c.

"weeping willow"
let it set in,
the weak warmth of her white skin.
the perfumed bedroom, filled
with the wrong intentions.
the shallow suns that won't set.
the alcoholic thirst that never gets whet.
set a course dead ahead, sailing for a
new day and a violent romance.
you're a valium-dipped morphine drip
that keeps me uncomfortable in the
cozy, lamp-lit city streets.
wet gutter sleep.
headhunter dreams.
the cracked, black asphalt sheet,
soaked with sweat and the soft shuffle of vagrant feet.
the gold-smoke billows from the lips of the dear in the headlights,
still searching for the tears of the weeping willows.
#2
if you're referring to the animal, deer is spelt wrong.

nice lyrics, do you have a piece behind it?
#4
You're up there as one of the most noticeable and recognizable writers on here, along with Spike8up...(?) and Seventh_Angel and a few others. Your line breaks and literary devices - particularly your rhymes and alliteration - are what probably define you so charismatically; they flow so effortlessly and are very effective at setting one certain tone, one you keep referring to on numerous occasions - It's nice to see a writer who is not afraid to work with his strengths.
I love the theme as well and how you conveyed it. It's all been done before, but you make it unclear enough for someone to be forced to re-read it many times (and to Google one or two thoughts) neither is it overly cryptic so that it becomes a nuisance to the readers head or demands to much from the viewer; the balance is very fine and I reckon, personally anyway, that you did it with presence and style.
I have often found your work to be difficult to fully grasp, but I am starting to customize myself to your methods and it's paying off. Well done.

Sorry if I don't have any constructive criticism to lend, someone else may have something more apt and useful.


Digitally Clean
#5
I'm going to pull a Mat.

And put this on my wall, if you don't mind.

This was beautiful and you don't post enough and it's amazing.
マリ「しあわっせはーあるいってこないだーからあるいってゆっくんだねーん 
いっちにっちいっぽみーかでさんぽ
 さーんぽすすんでにっほさっがるー 
じーんせいはっわんつー!ぱんち・・・


"Success is as dangerous as failure. Hope is as hollow as fear." - from Tao Te Ching

#6
wow, I loved it. It was absolutley brilliant. I wasn't to fond of the ending though. I was hoping for something more hard hitting.

These were my favorites. The rhythm and flow was awesome.

wet gutter sleep.
headhunter dreams.
the cracked, black asphalt sheet,
soaked with sweat and the soft shuffle of vagrant feet


cheers....
Check out mine?
https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=992100

Listen to my covers here.


"Some even claim that I'm a terror, a dictator and they're right." - Lou Reed


AK-ROWDY
#7
kdownes, always good to hear from you, it's worth writing if someone enjoys it and your regular (and generally positive) comments on my pieces make me glad that i stick with this whole poetry thing.

angrygoldfish, quite the contrary, i'm extremely grateful for your words, every once in a while its nice to be told where you stand as a writer and not just based on a specific piece, and i'm glad you're coming to appreciate the self-indulgent drivel of sad-sackery i occasionally decide to burden this forum with.

culex, there are few others on here whose praise i value as much as yours. thank you.


also, sidebar away from the gushing lovefest i've turned this post into, i spelled "dear" the way i wanted to in the second to last line. i enjoy homophonic hijinks oh so much.