#1


got out of bed and
stumbled to the bathroom
pushed by the memory
of hands smaller than mine
and a smile that was
whiter than mine.
should have been at work but
my woman bombed the shit out of me
and now my house has no windows
and no doors
has a crater in the garden that
if i stand in
is too deep for me to see out -
this house doesn't offer any shelter
but it's where i live
and she can't change that.
got scorch marks on the walls from
an earlier argument
and the memory of drinks that were thrown
and glasses smashed.
i brushed my teeth slowly and
sat on the pan
thinkin'
i wonder how the war began.





love is a dog from hell.



Last edited by we have sound at Nov 19, 2008,
#2
man chris
that was simply wonderful. I loved it.

should have been at work but the
bastards
bombed the **** out of me
and now my house has no windows
and no doors


I don't think there should be so much emphasis on bastards here. The flow is kind of disturbed and it puts too much importance in something that doesn't seem to be primordial in the piece. the "and no doors" line I thought was unnecessary.

other than that, I still appreciate reading you more than nearly any other writer here.

Thanks.
#3

you know, i have no idea why that bastards line is there. it needs to be changed to "woman"




love is a dog from hell.



#4
I want to be a dick, because you've always been a dick to me.

But this is too good.

So: your title sucks.
マリ「しあわっせはーあるいってこないだーからあるいってゆっくんだねーん 
いっちにっちいっぽみーかでさんぽ
 さーんぽすすんでにっほさっがるー 
じーんせいはっわんつー!ぱんち・・・


"Success is as dangerous as failure. Hope is as hollow as fear." - from Tao Te Ching

#6

is too deep for me to see out -


I understand leaving out the 'of', but it slipped me, and it was the only tiny thing here that slipped me. I thought the rest was great and I really felt it.
There's only one thing we can do to thwart the plot of these albino shape-shifting lizard BITCHES!
#7
Because I'm skipping math class right now (15th time this semester... nice) I'm going to really rip into this one
Quote by we have sound


I hate the title... just absolutely. It's like it's trying to be "taking back sunday/fall out boy"-core. Nothing particularly wrong with that, but it's like it tries to hard.

got out of bed and
stumbled to the bathroom
pushed by the memory
of hands smaller than mine
and a smile that was
whiter than mine.
should have been at work but
my woman bombed the shit out of me <- this line? HAS to go. It's so... iffy. It doesn't live up to what the last few lines built up. something more along the lines of, "She left a whole inside of me big enough to drive a truck through" or something, maybe not such a cliche torn vaguely from an alkaline trio song, but you get it.
and now this house has no windows
and no doors <- maybe something more about locks on the doors, it seems too "umph" and it could be so much more.
has a crater in the garden that
if i stand in
is too deep for me to see out -
this house doesn't offer any shelter
but it's where i live <- not too keen on it, more like, "I'm trapped," something to that effect"
and she can't change that. <- how about something more like, "she won't let me out" and play off the lock thing I mentioned?
got scorch marks on the walls from <-
an earlier argument <- Don't much care for these two lines in particular. Something more like, "this house is burning with the screams and shouts from fights that passed" or something like that. It makes it more active.
and the memory of drinks that were thrown
and glasses smashed. <- same deal as above. until this part, the whole thing was going swimmingly, had a lot goin' for it. And then it kind'a dropped it off and became something else.
i brushed my teeth slowly and
sat on the pan
thinkin'
i wonder how the war began.



Overall, I liked it, I just ripped into it pretty well. Those are just my opinions on those specific points, everyone's got a differant style, so if you don't like 'em, toss 'em. Just what I think, though.

Kudos on a good... song? Poem? I don't know what it's supposed to be.
Fact: Bears eat beats. Bears beats Battlestar Galactica.
#8
dont liek repitition of mine at ends of lines 4 and 6.

the flow at points felt interrupted, as you put too much emphasis on lines that had no more importance than the rest of them. (im thinking especially of the"and no doors" line here.)

"has a crater in the garden that" annoyed me.
maybe put "there is a crater," or "it has a crater"("it" referring to the house)
that line really made me double back on myself while reading


another point is it all felt too passive, but reading it through again i understood better the character and how he is, so not really another point here.

overall, great.
#9
One of my personal favourites to ever come from UG in my time here; the title being the highlight.

Chin up, mate.

Digitally Clean
#10
I agree with Katherine that line crater line slipped me up too, but for a different reason. It just felt a bit awkward to read. But apart from that, this was fantastic.
#12
Quote by AngryGoldfish

Chin up, mate.



You're remarkably astute.

Thanks everyone




love is a dog from hell.



#13
it seems Dylan is repeatedly taking the words from my mouth.

i thought this was great, Chris.
There's a road that leads to the end of all suffering. You should take it.


- Jericho Caine


secret, aaaaagent maaan.
secret, aaaaagent maaan.
#14
Quote by we have sound

You're remarkably astute.

Thanks everyone

Sorry guv', I'm often like that. I wasn't trying to be sharp or anything, just trying to be conversational and helpful. Me being shrewd doesn't mean I don't understand, but I'm not saying I do understand either. Soz.
#16
This felt effortless, and it shouldn't have. You've done better than this.

Still. <3
This is not a pipe