#1
been trying to work on this for a few days.

----

I settled in between
suffering serpentine streets
and the sustained havoc of peregrine alleyways
right on the thin line between
the gay village and the Latin Cité
I am a stranger amongst
bargaining outsiders in foreign marchés,
private clubs and notorious thieves
prostitutes and obnoxious drag queens
all of them
being fucking younger than me

In nearly three months,
I dropped out, broke up and lost my job,
but somehow
I find hope in these downtown streets
like I'd find warmth under a widow's trench
pretty unexpected, but somehow it's there
where you expect the homeless and the violent
where the doors get shut loud and the windows clenched
I can't say I'm learning life "the hard way" yet
It's just the first time I'm getting pushed to the edge
I talk evenings out and kiss friends to sleep
then read mornings through, sitting out on the porch
with my coffee black and my cigarette pimped
I can feel it coming

In the way I fuck the way I write the way I breathe
The way I stopped feeling bad every time she swallows me whole
it's about way more than watering the seeds
it's about finding home and clarifying the needs
understanding my condition ;
an English sanctuary with my hallows French
where nights stay blank and beds get fed :
intertwining legs and my pillows drenched
I can feel the whole world cracking all around me ;

I'm an hatching egg up on a willow's branch.
Last edited by circular.parade at Nov 23, 2008,
#2
See IRC.
マリ「しあわっせはーあるいってこないだーからあるいってゆっくんだねーん 
いっちにっちいっぽみーかでさんぽ
 さーんぽすすんでにっほさっがるー 
じーんせいはっわんつー!ぱんち・・・


"Success is as dangerous as failure. Hope is as hollow as fear." - from Tao Te Ching

#3
added important stuff to this. Took out some very bad parts.

I really would love some opinions on this. May it be just a line. If I haven't gotten to anything of yours yet, I will get back to you.
#4
I really, really enjoyed it Mat. It reads good, and it made me care. It's beautiful stuff. That's all I can really say about this one.

(Don't worry about getting back to me, because I probably owe you several times over anyway.)
#6
The end of line rhymes annoyed me. This, context and word choice wise, is bloody lovely, but it made it feel like more of a gimmick which didn't fit with everything else I got from it at all.

That was the only thing that slipped me, that annoyed me, especially in the middle of the second stanza. I really enjoyed this.
There's only one thing we can do to thwart the plot of these albino shape-shifting lizard BITCHES!
#7
Quote by circular.parade
fucking younger than me

I did not like the word ****ing in this line. I think a verb (not a gerund) would be stronger.

Quote by circular.parade
In the way I fuck the way I write the way I breathe
The way I stopped feeling bad every time she swallows me whole
it's about way more than watering the seeds
it's about finding home and clarifying the needs
understanding my condition ;
an English sanctuary with my hallows French
where nights stay blank and beds get fed :
intertwining legs and my pillows drenched
I can feel the whole world cracking all around me ;

The rhyming worked, and I liked it. Kudos. Kind of like...a depressing Seuss.

Good stuff overall. I liked your clarity, your voice. Having said that, there weren't any lines, or anything special that really stood out to me, but it was still a good piece as a whole.
#8
hey circular (name?), thanks for checking out my piece, i really appreciate it.

Quote by circular.parade
been trying to work on this for a few days.

----

I settled in between
suffering serpentine streets
and the sustained havoc of peregrine alleyways
nice opening, i like the internal rhyme
right on the thin line between
the gay village and the Latin Cité
I am a stranger amongst
bargaining outsiders in foreign marchés,
private clubs and notorious thieves
prostitutes and obnoxious drag queens
all of them
fucking younger than me
nice opening stanza. the rhyme scheme was fine, doesn't bother me at all. i'm not too sure on the line break though.

In nearly three months,
I dropped out, broke up and lost my job,
but somehow
I find hope in these downtown streets
like I'd find warmth under a widow's trench
pretty unexpected, but somehow it's there
where you expect the homeless and the violent
where the doors get shut loud and the windows clenched
I can't say I'm learning life "the hard way" yet
It's just the first time I'm getting pushed to the edge
im not sure about these two lines either, it contrasts the great imagery you had going, i would even say it comes off a bit "teenager", like it makes you seem vulnerable or something
I talk evenings out and kiss friends to sleep
then read mornings through, sitting out on the porch
with my coffee black and my cigarette pimped
I can feel it coming
you picked up the tone you had. nice build up. i like where this is going.

In the way I fuck the way I write the way I breathe
ugh, i didn't like this at all, especially with the lack of punctuation. could be worded differently
The way I stopped feeling bad every time she swallows me whole
it's about way more than watering the seeds
it's about finding home and clarifying the needs
i think this would read better without the "the" before needs
understanding my condition ;
i like the directness of this, nice transition.
an English sanctuary with my hallows French
where nights stay blank and beds get fed :
intertwining legs and my pillows drenched
I can feel the whole world cracking all around me ;

I'm an hatching egg up on a willow's branch.
awesome


god, i suck at crits. This was very nice overall, pretty solid. Much better after you edited, you made the build up nicer and added more cohesion to the piece (not that it didn't have before). The ending was nice. I enjoyed this. Sorry for such a shitty crit, ill get to your next one too.
#9
God man, seriously.

If you don't want to give up on this piece, don't.

You know what I'm talking about.
マリ「しあわっせはーあるいってこないだーからあるいってゆっくんだねーん 
いっちにっちいっぽみーかでさんぽ
 さーんぽすすんでにっほさっがるー 
じーんせいはっわんつー!ぱんち・・・


"Success is as dangerous as failure. Hope is as hollow as fear." - from Tao Te Ching

#10
thanks, guys.

I might just be about to, cory. I'm just going to let it sleep a few more nights, and then we'll see. I believe I've got to everyone?