#1
EDIT: Changed it here and there to make it less repetitive


You take a look around and all you can see
are clouds made of unfulfilled dreams
Slowly pushed away by the wind that is driven by our fears
never meant to be - lived

People neatly smiling while things are killing them inside
slowly eating them alive
Some are sitting face to face not able to look in each one's eyes
embarrased by the lies


Your falling
noone there to hold your hand
your faith slowly fades away
a distant ship heading towards the horizon
and as it's out of sight
your dreams are gone


You walk an endless road paved with only sorrow an pain
again and again
every now and then you're fooling yourself with sweet lies
just to make it through this time

Your falling
noone there to hold your hand
you faith slowly fades away
a distant ship heading towards the horizon
and as it's out of sight
your hopes are gone


Then you wake up
you open up your eyes
the sun shines in your face
so warm and bright
You take a look around
and by then see
the ship on the horizon
never leaves


tell me what you think!
Last edited by xghost88 at Nov 21, 2008,
#2
you, you, you, you, you, every sentence begins with you pretty much. try changing that and i'lll give you 2 out of 5 stars
#5
I can see what you mean redoverblack and jeremydeath, but I does not sound as repetitive as it looks. It's played at a fairly low speed so I wont sing "you" like every 10 seconds. But thanks for the crit anyways nonetheless I'll try to improve it.

@ Matthewelands: Thanks!

More opinions appreciated!
Last edited by xghost88 at Nov 21, 2008,
#6
I know this has been said before, but a lot of the lines do start with either 'you' or 'your'. There's nothing wrong with that, but to me it seems a bit too repetitive.
I think the first line of what I'm assuming is the chorus, "You're falling // no one there to hold your hand" Is quite cliche. I would try and think of some other way to explain this.
When I read this line I thought of someone falling through the clouds as this is what this line is used for most of the time. If you wanted to keep this 'falling' idea, you could add in some other imagery to change what they are falling through to make this line 'your own' and aviod the cliche parts.
hope this helps

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